Something’s not right
@Former-Member
I hope you are ok and still around??
I totally understand, I have BPD which has a number of issues such as anxiety, rage, over emotional etc etc. I have always excelled at work, I think that has been my escape and the only place that I feel like I'm accomplishing something in my life. I have always had good reviews etc and had no problems getting jobs - I tend to keep a mask on when at work.
Last year 2016, was a very bad year for me with my BPD and life and for the first time my boss started to criticise me for all the good aspects of my BPD, such as being too professional and quick with my work, over helpful to employees and was actually told "I should be nice in my personal time"! For the first time tmy entire world came crashing down especially work as it was my only outlet and I felt just like you a complete failure in life, issues at home with partner then issues at work I felt like I couldnt escape and I wanted to just hide as well but I dont like to take time off work as firstly brought up with a strong work ethic but I'm also scared that if I start taking time off work for MI, the next time it will be easier and easier and before I know it I will take time off a t a drop of a hat and I dont want to go down that road incase I cant stop. So to help me vent my rage which I was having at the time and to get another perspective on what was going on I started a thread "rage at work" which has been great for me. Everytime they pissed me off or I felt hopeless and wasnt sure if it was me or them I would post and gain some more perspective.
It could also be the meds, when I was in the middle of being diagnosed I was misdiagnosed and on the wrong medication. These meds caused me to be really dopey, extremely bad memory and unable to think clearly. So all of a sudden I went from a "star employee" to one that was making mistake after mistake. Eventually I knew myself I couldnt keep doing this so I quit work and began my journey to see what was wrong with me for the next 12 months.
If I can get through all this you can too, I know it may not seem like it at the moment but we are strong we have to be to survive so maybe take some time off or organise appointments with GP etc afterhours so you dont have to take time off but focus your priorities on your health then everything thing else will start to fall into place but we cant change our current reality without hard work I'm afraid and it never stops. I think I was probably effected with BPD from a young age of 9 or 10 - I am now 49 and only the last few months have made real progress, but I also know that sometimes the rug can be taken from beneath you when you are not expecting it so I'm trying to work out strategies now for when this happens - I hope it doesnt but the reality is it probably will and I just need to learn better ways of dealing with things.
I hope you are still out there and knowing someone can relate helps.
Take care
@Former-Member
Sorry you had such a bad night but you are so lucky to have such a supportive husband.
Ultimately one thing you have to learn which I'm really trying to instill in myself is that work is work (I know its hard to make it seem like just work because as we both feel that we are perfect and shine at work), but your health both mental and physical is number one. The work will be good again. If you feel they are screwing you around, remember you can always get another job (I understand the stress in this) but you cant get another hubby or you so that should come first. Plus it sounds like you are like me that we hold ourselves to a high standard with work. I think we have to learn to ease up on our selves and accept we are not perfect and cant be all the time. Believe me I know how hard it is, if I make a mistake at work I will stress and freak out until its fixed. I remember one time I was nearly in tears I had stuffed someones pay up but it was all fixable and not really a drama. I had to tell the boss and I was just about having a panic attack on the spot and she said the same thing "dont stress you can fix it - stop being so hard on yourself" and I know thats one of my downfalls I am really hard on myself but starting to learn to ease up a bit.
Also have you seen your doctor about your meds? I went through a bad meltdown a few months ago and was at breaking point just like you. I found out that my dosage for anxiety tablets was very low and they slowly built that up and now I'm feeling a lot better. I used to wake up feeling like I would throw up at the thought of facing the day but now I'm a lot better. Still get anxious and panic but I know whats happening and also realise how to calm myself down with breathing excercises - if you havent done them they do really help. Have you done DBT (dialetical behavour therapy)? Its usually set as a group and they teach you coping skills and how to overcome some of our issues. The tools they give you are great but it doesnt happen over night and needs a lot of work by us. For me when I'm really really anxious I usually do something physical like play with my dog or gardening. Its hard as anything to start but once I force myself I get distracted and tired and then start to calm down, or have a bath with some relaxing music. If that doesnt work something else that is meant to help stop SH and I have tried this once myself is when you are feeling really anxious hold some ice cubes in your hand until you cant stand it anymore and it does calm you down its weird but it worked for me, just satisfys that need without actually hurting yourself.
You can do this but be gentle with yourself, it takes time and practice.
