Lived Experience Forum

[Queenie]

Why can't people stop taking advantage of me? Do I let them? I don't like to think I do, but I think I am more than partly to blame.

My last friendship ws very one-sided. I cared for a best friend like a sister (indeed I even referred to her as Sissy). It wasn't until I moved house, I discovered large sums of money missing from my account to pay for Netflix (I don't have a Netflix account), phone companies that I am not with, withdrawals I didn't make. I used to spend my hard earned buying this person petrol for their car, cigarettes, money for gambling... I never got anything reciprocated and never got paid back once. I discovered she wrote down the details of my card and simply transferred funds electronically out of my account. That is fraud! I never got the money back unfortunately.

But that isn't the first time people have taken advantage of me. I think I think the best of people that I don't see people (especially potential friends) have a bad side. I've bought people alcohol and drugs in the past in the name of friendship. It's not like I am buying these people's friendship... or am I? I just do it out of my good nature as I believe friends should help friends out when possible. 

Perhaps this is why I now have no friends? 😞 Because I literally have limited funds (pension) and can't afford to buy people 'stuff'. Life is lonely without friendship as there is only one family member who talks to me and often they are busy. My Mrs is often busy with her own 'stuff' too.

How do I find friends who are really there for me?

[Exoplanet]

I don't have any answers @Queenie, I've been there - I hear you - I know it hurts 

[Dark_Olena]

I'm sorry @Queenie. I think good natured people can be a beacon for people who have unsavory intentions. Dont stop being who you are, hopefully the right people will make their way to you for genuine friendships.

[Queenie]

Thank you for replying @Exoplanet and @Dark_Olena, I appreciate your responses.

One of my goals (which strangely was never achieved) when I was with PHaMS, was to help me meet the right kind of people. Truth is, since I've moved I've not had one meeting with a friend. I have lots of people I know, but alas no friends. 

I was once told by a MH organisation to think of your funeral as a self reflective exercise, think of all the people that would be there. Truth be told, there'd be family yes (even family that abused me), but no friends. 

I therefore ask, how do you meet and maintain friendships with the right kind of people? I have no real talents or interests other than working in mental health and being a Robbie Williams fanatic. I am member of websites for both (here and the RW site). Here we don't allow outside friendships and RW.com is incredibly cliquey and I am an outsider - on the fringe looking in.

I need to belong to something. I am not religious (I'm agnostic), I am crazy at the best of times, I am too old to fit in the young crowd and too young to fit in the oldies group. I just am looking for somewhere I fit. I tried meetup and couldn't find anything I was interested in that was close by (I don't drive or like public transport due to phobias).

[Exoplanet]

Gee that MH organization was a bit morbid . . . let's think about our death?!? I'd probably have a couple of family members at mine, but only because they felt it was 'the done thing'. I have no friends & haven't for years - for years I was horribly lonely, but somewhere along the line I think I just got used to it. I had a MH worker tell me 'some people are better off alone', I don't think that person had ever really been alone, 'cause in my opinion it isn't natural for a human being. This forum is the only place I can feel 'friendship' & acceptace of me, understanding of what I've been through & how & why I am. I guess my only advice is never give up, keep seeking like minded others that can accept you for you - it seems crazy that so many people are alone & loney, if we all banded together we'd probably be the biggest community on Earth! When I think of that, both you & I are a part of something 

@Queenie

[Queenie]

Thank you @Exoplanet for your kind words. I think it's exactly what I needed to hear right now. I like the idea of being part of something bigger than me, a community.

[Corny]

Hi @Queenie,

I can relate to the loneliness, hurt and sadness that comes with people taking advantage of you. It's so hard to find sincere, genuine people where there is reciprocation and mutual respect. It took me years to figure out that there were a lot of users and takers out there and that unfortunately you have to sift through a lot of insincerity to find authentic friends. It takes years to form friendships. And sometimes you have life experiences that force you to re-assess where and to whom you give your energy and you lose friends. I know I have. 

I watched that old show recently, Six Feet Under, and found myself weeping in one scene. I can't remember clearly if I have the scene sequence right, maybe it was a different scene, but there was a scene towards the end of the series where the 2 characters who have psychotic illnesses, George and Billy, are sharing a beer on the steps. I think it's then that they're chatting about their mental illness and how, when we are young, we have this perception that as life goes on, it will become filled with more and more people. It will get busier. When in actuality it's the opposite. As life goes on, less and less people were in their lives.

I cried because I could really relate to that. 

I understand the yearning for a gang, an urban tribe and mates.

I think it becomes even more pronounced when your family isn't attuned or even particularly interested in you. How can one not yearn for that when families can make you feel so alone and rejected. It's normal to want connection and understanding. 

I know that having insight into why I feel, the way I feel, doesn't really help me in the slightest, at times it only increases my suffering.

But I just wanted you to know I understand. 

We have completely screwed our society in so many ways. 

Take care,

Corny

[Queenie]

Hi Corny, I do remember that show but only watched here and there and not very regularly. It seems like that scene really hits the nail on the head, as you describe. As I get older, there are less and less people in my life and I am beginning to really feel it. I feel it especially when I go on social media and see all my former friends enjoying their lives, enriched by social lives. I don't have that. 

As you've said, it takes years to form solid friendships, I try but all these 'users' and 'abusers' are only in my life temporarily, a year at most before I wake up and show them the door (or run away with my tail between my legs).