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Something’s not right

Cantthinkofadis
New Contributor

Unable to move foward.

I decided to join a forum after reading the book The Buddha and the Borderline. I cant even describe how much I related to her and was also surprised there are other people out there who are dealing with the same thing. I honestly thought I was the only one.

I am a self diagnosed borderline and I want to get better, I have been working at getting better for over a decade but I am trapped when it comes to childhood memories. I believe if I could rid myself of them, Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind style, I could find balance and happiness. They pull me down. I cant let them go. They shape every aspect of my adult life. When I was very young I would frantically try every escape route a kid could find. As a teen I used drugs as a solution and they temporarily worked. I quit a decade ago because I would self harm and try half hearted suicide attempts that were more a cry for help because I was terrified of the pain part, not the actual dying part.

 

Im more than ready to move on and be the creator of my own life. To put the past abuses aside and grow from them. But Im trapped. In order to become a better person, I have to be self aware of my behaviour. And by doing this Ive been made aware that my behaviour is a reaction to an extreme prolonged childhood of abuse. I found that colored my entire personality. Its my identity. I have run from it, then tried to face it, then told myself over and over the reasons people do horrible things to kids and try to humanize them but Im still angry.

 

I wasnt allowed to be angry or show any emotion until I ran away as a young teen and got myself out of the situation. Then It all came out and I couldnt cope with it. It seemed unfair that as soon as I felt safe, the rage decides it is ok to come out.

I havent moved past that rage.

I need advice on how to get rid of memories. Or how to tolerate them when they come at me and wont leave for days. 

I also hate myself for my own parenting abilities. Although I never hurt my child, I didnt know how to show her love and even now its hard. I am angry at myself for this and also angry at the woman who raised me and never gave any kind of guidance or affection or love. Just every ounce of her hate and rage.

 

I believe, like Keirra, the author of The Buddha, that I was a sensitive child that could have had a chance at a normal life if I had someone to stop what was going on or even just someone to talk to after it happens. And I am angry about this too.

 

I want to be Zen. I want peace. I want to be a person that I like without those harsh voices in my head screaming at me that I am completely worthless and to suck it up and everyone has problems but my anger is holding me back.

How do you let go of something that was avoidable that ruined youre whole entire life, personality, thoughts, veiws of the world. How do you let go of extreme anxiety when you have to leave the house and trust that the world is safe(ish)? How do you snap yourself out of the deepest depression when even going to the toilet is exhausting?

 

What do you do when you are desperately trying to get better and you have toxic people in your life telling you its a waste of time, you will never get better, you are delusional, worthless? I would love to cut them out of my life but cant. I dont say anything now and work in secret but how do I tune out all the words coming at me, telling me Im wasting my time. 

I feel like the reason they dont want me to get better is because they dont want to be exposed. 

I need to block over 30 years worth of critisism and hate and violence and words. Coming to terms with it and accepting it is fleeting. I feel differently about it day to day. But today I am angry so here I am.

Thanks.

 

 

3 REPLIES 3

Re: Unable to move foward.

Hi @Cantthinkofadis ,

Sounds like you've come a long way from where you were before and where you are now in regards to your self-realization of what you have experienced and making sense of it. Letting go and finding peace within yourself about both what has happened in the past and what is happening now. Sounds like the book is very helpful for you.

I am reading real strength despite adversity. All the same, it is not easy to ignore what else may be going on around you. 

Sometimes a vent is helpful. Keep an eye on yourself and about what is helpful. 

Does anyone have any ideas of how to acknowledge the toxicity of people but also focus on yourself?

Take care, thecolourblue. 

Re: Unable to move foward.

@Cantthinkofadis  Hi Cantthinkofadis 🙂 and welcome to the forums. I have an admission due to my mi I find it very had to read long posts so I managed to read segments of your post but am writing primarly to the title of your post because it resinates with me and my situation. I find it very hard to move on from the trauma that has happened to me and my family. I am recovering but I take it as a day by day task .... baby steps. With the help of my psychiatrist and mental health nurse I have really improved but am still in may ways caught in the past because of where I live (I suppose) and the people around me I may never completely be free. Good luck on your journey I hope you reach your goal of peace. The people on these forums are very kind so feel free to have a look around and talk when you are up to it.

 

Oh and btw if you want to talk with someone directly put a @in front of their name like I did to you that will alert them witha notification. Take care of yourself. greenpea xx

Re: Unable to move foward.

Thank you so much for your encouragement, it means a lot. 

I do have a partner who is an amazing supportive calm healer which makes all the difference between life and death (which sounds overly dramatic but it's how my warped emotions work). He does defend me a lot but ultimately there is no point in trying to reason with people who are dedicated to misunderstanding.

I would love nothing more than to never see those toxic people again but that's not an option and i dont have a good strategy. If i defend myself, i get screamed over top of, if i am silent, they replace my lack of words with their own. I've tried calmly pointing out how their abuse (mental and emotional, no longer physical) but they don't see me as a human being. They see me as something they own. 

 

I have no coping skills and every action I've taken has been shot down. It takes my partner months to build up any form of confidence in me after an encounter with them but it's getting harder and harder to deal with it mentally in my own mind and make peace with it.

 

At the moment it's so hard to get out of bed and shower. This doesn't last forever but going through it sucks. I am armed with self help books but i thought a forum may be more productive.

 

Thanks again for hearing me xx

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