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M_P90
Senior Contributor

Truth telling with family members: such a distressing, unhelpful experience

Content warning: Childhood sexual abuse, sexual assault, domestic abuse. 

 

I've lived with complex mental health issues for most of my adult life, and I've gathered a collection of diagnoses. I've had trouble with emotions, eating, alcohol, relationships, etc. I've been through 5 years of therapy and I've done a lot to help myself. I have a history of holding back and burying my true feelings in relation to other people, and the weight of all the unsaid things has made me unwell. This is how I see my mental health journey. The reason I haven't been forthcoming with others is because of relationships in the past where there was an imbalance of power, and the trauma of being part of this cycle of coercive control that runs through my family. 

 

I witnessed domestic abuse growing up, and ended up victim to domestic abuse as an adult. There was a crucial window of time in my life where things turned to absolute s***. My parents had been a bitter acrimonious relationship for my childhood and early adolescence. When I was around 14/ 15 years old, they separated for good and pursued new relationships. I know their perspective of this time because I have read my late father's journals and I have heard my mother describe it. Now in my 30s, I get their perspective. They were desperately unhappy and then finally felt fulfilled in new relationships (even though my mum chose an alcoholic bankrupt serial cheater). There is a journal entry of my Dad's where he is obsessing over his new partner while mentioning briefly keeping an eye on me in the backyard. There's one line in his entry about me, in a sea of mushy sentimental crap about his new girlfriend. This image represents everything from that time. 

 

Unfortunately, their preoccupation left me extremely vulnerable. I had grown up witnessing abuse and I was not a well adjusted kid: I was timid, had no self esteem, painfully shy, dangerously compliant and I was hurtling into adolescence. I got in with "the wrong crowd", I was being emotionally abused by my "friends", and we were hanging around the streets late at night. You can only imagine what happened next. I was groomed, molested and even sexually assaulted. 

 

My parents always spoke to me about my childhood and adolescence with pain, they knew they messed up. When I was a wayward teen, my mum did send me a psychiatrist, counsellor and youth centre, so they didn't do nothing. I hadn't told her what was happening, she just said I'd become "aggressive and abusive" towards her, so these efforts were to fix my behaviour but I do believe she was genuinely concerned. Both have apologised to me in a very superficial way, they would sort of talk with regret, I would say nothing and then they would say "I'm sorry I was a bad dad/mum." I always found it a burden to manage THEIR feelings even as a kid, so I would feel BAD FOR THEM and try to reassure them. 

 

Today, I reached a point of no return. I have vowed to myself to be honest with people, and also I was angry. I have been bubbling up with anger for a while now every time Mum prattles on about my teen years. Her version of events recently has been, "I knew I had to get out of that marriage with your Dad. We were both depressed and we couldn't be good parents like that. We both needed to be in happy relationships, we thought this would be best for you, we separated and got re-partnered for you." Previously, she had described my teenage years as "the happier" she had been since before I was born. Today, I erupted. 

 

I told her I can't sit back and listen to her lie to herself and lie to me anymore. I understand my parents had to meet their own needs, they needed to find happiness somehow, they needed companionship and support etc. They pursued new relationships for them. I said, "Don't tell me it was for me! Just be honest with me and be honest with yourself!" I also said, "the TRUTH is because they were preoccupied with their new relationships I was left vulnerable and what happened to me was that I got groomed, molested, assaulted and bullied. That's the truth." This is the first time I have said this aloud to either of them (can't with Dad as he's passed). 

 

I also told her it cuts me when she describes how happy she felt at this time, because I was in hell. I said that's OK that she was happy, she can think that, but don't say it to me given the context. 

 

And then began the PITY PARTY, my parent's favourite move. The reason she doesn't learn from her mistakes. I told her at least three times I am not saying this to blame her, but she basically said she couldn't take it as anything but blame. My mum is really concrete and black and white, and i suspect she has undiagnosed autism. She just abandoned the conversation altogether taking it as blame. She often just abandons me in big painful emotions because she can't handle it. 

 

I don't know what to do, I honestly don't know. I needed to say what I said. And I told her I needed to say it and I needed her to acknowledge it. She said, "I already know what happened, we don't need to talk about it anymore." Wow, that hurt. I didn't know what to say, I just had to protect myself again by going silent. Often I don't speak frankly with her because it only hurts both of us and that's it. Today seemed to be the same old. But I build up with rage when she tries to put her narrative onto that time (she brings it up, by the way, not me!) and quell her own guilt. "But I was happy" is her way of rationalising that she dropped the ball and I got hurt. 

 

I don't know what to do. I can't be silent, but it doesn't help to confront her. And I know I wasn't very skillful in how I did it because I was angry, so I could have said things in a better way. But, honestly I don't know how much that that would have helped. It was easier to close myself off and not tell the truth, but also not easier because it makes me sick in mind and body. Just want to cry. 

8 REPLIES 8

Re: Truth telling with family members: such a distressing, unhelpful experience

Hey @M_P90 

I just want to acknowledge your contribution and how deeply, deeply distressing what you went through was. 

It is extremely brave and courageous to share your truth. It can be almost an out-of-body experience hearing yourself say it aloud for the first time!

Even though we can reflect back and think about how you maybe could have said things differently, or whether it was worth it at all - The fact still remains that you stuck up for yourself and your story when there is a huge part of us that often tells us it is easier just to stay quiet.

 

I imagine there are a lot of mixed emotions right now. We are sitting here with you in support, and proud of you 💛 

 

Re: Truth telling with family members: such a distressing, unhelpful experience

Hi @M_P90 firstly I wanna say I’m a truth teller as well but I’ve been trying hard to be a bit more diplomatic. In which other people perceive you as something different to what is happening, which to me doesn’t bring much joy but at least they don’t have to experience what you’re going through. 

im still working out how I fit in society given I have complex mh issues myself. I’d like to tell you that from now on it will be smooth sailing but someway somehow you have to think in a way that aligns with the population. I know this cause I had a sociopathic friend who somehow always knows what to say and that kept him in my perception as doing well given the circumstances.

 

o just also want to add your story was so well put together I know how difficult memory can be given the events you have described. 

thanks for reaching out I hope things get better for you cause I feel I’m in the same boat still trying to navigate myself through life and some days are better than others. Maybe take a deep breath and catch yourself before taking the next steps, my emotions have been so out of whack lol I hope you find happiness 

 

Edit: don’t take my advice I am only here for support what I’m trying may or may not work for everyone just trying to be of some help

Re: Truth telling with family members: such a distressing, unhelpful experience

@M_P90  Your whole message screams  misattunement to me. It is very clear that your needs as a child were not met.

sounds like your mother tried to gaslight her way out of personal responsibility and when you try to hold her to account she will not bare responsibility.

 

when she turned away from you it triggers and re traumatises you. That’s what I hear. And you have clearly had enough. Don’t give in. Don’t be defeated. You absolutely have the right to be respected and acknowledged. But she will never be the one to give it to you. 

 

The only way to heal is to establish healthy healing relationships with another healthy and safe person. This could be a therapist, friend or romantic partner. 

Your mother will continue to trigger and disappoint you. From what you have said this is her pattern. Please stop expecting any more from her. You will only keep hurting yourself and you dont deserve to hurt anymore.

 

She should not be talking about it at all if she can not take full responsibility and be honest about it. It’s best she say nothing at all if she can’t own it. 

 

You deserve to be respected and acknowledged. You really do after everything you went though. My thoughts are with you at this hard time. 

This is a common thing that abuse survivors experience. You are not alone in this. 

 

Re: Truth telling with family members: such a distressing, unhelpful experience

@M_P90 , I really feel for you. At age 47 I finally stood up to my abusive father, and he estranged me, But I needed to tell him how he'd damaged me for life, and I'm still glad I did.

 


@M_P90 wrote:

It was easier to close myself off and not tell the truth, but also not easier because it makes me sick in mind and body.


 

Well done for speaking up for yourself. 

Re: Truth telling with family members: such a distressing, unhelpful experience

Yep, "misattunement" sums up my relationships with my mother in one word. She struggles to understand my emotions, so she blames me and calls me "complicated/sensitive".

The issue with her is she will not reflect on herself. Yesterday, I also spoke up about how she's always chosen men who treat her like dirt, and she gives away her value and her power to no-good men. It was a big of a volcano erupting... She doesn't want to reflect on that, so she can't even acknowledge the domestic abuse that I went through! She was the first person I told, and she minimised it and told me to STAY with an abusive man.

The real issue is if I was a victim, then she was a victim too. And she can't deal with that. She still doesn't acknowledge me as a survivor of domestic abuse.

The whole saga actually happened yesterday because she tried to give me relationship advice. At first I asked her politely not to do that. She will literally say, "OK I won't talk about it (takes a breath) *talks about it*" like a steam-roller. So I gave her an opportunity to correct herself before I switched roles and steam-rolled her: "You are the LAST person I would ever go to for relationship advice, you are the LEAST qualified person to speak about this, I had to UNLEARN everything YOU taught me!"

So, the issue remains that if I touch on something difficult for her, she wants to shut it down. She's told me to stop telling her to go to therapy, she's told me not to send her information about domestic abuse, and on and on.

I am well aware she will never meet my needs. I have spent a long time trying to build my own little network of people who treat me well.

There are complex reasons why my mum and I still have the amount of contact we do. I am working towards having more control around this. The reason ultimately I don't cut her off is she does try on some things, and has made some improvements. I don't think she wants to hurt me like she does, she's not cold-hearted, she's just so messed up and won't get herself help.

Re: Truth telling with family members: such a distressing, unhelpful experience

Thank you, I think that's the important thing too. I know my mother well enough to know she can't respond sensitively to this stuff, but I had to assert myself because my story matters.

Re: Truth telling with family members: such a distressing, unhelpful experience

Hey there @M_P90 . Don’t forget to add the @ symbol to link us to the reply so that we can get notified that you have responded.

 

Your decision to keep her around is your choice. You certainly don’t need to explain that to me.

I went back and fourth with having my mother in my life before finally deciding to cut her out for ever. For me this was because there was no benefit to keeping her around at all. She was similar to your mother and never owned her behaviour and refused to accept that she was fully responsible for her own actions. There were other reasons as well and ultimately I decided that she needed to go.


My mother went as far as saying that I never healed because I don’t want to. So when you tell me that your mum calls you complicated and sensitive I instantly understand your situation and how she is shift blaming from herself onto you.

 

I just want you to know that it’s not you and it was never you that was to sensitive or complicated. I know you already know this but I want you to hear it from a fellow survivor who has also experienced the gaslighting and shift blaming tactics. This is a form of abuse in itself and you are absolutely correct to pull her up on it.

 

I understand that there are benefits for you keeping her around (as you have mentioned). But if she is triggering you maybe you can create some space and distance between you both?

 

please take care 

Re: Truth telling with family members: such a distressing, unhelpful experience

Your story definitely does matter @M_P90 

I felt your post brimmed with insight and understanding of the complexity around family relationships influenced by trauma and mental health issues.  Its great you have found healthy ways to cope and move forward.

 

I respect your need to express yourself, especially when you recognise your pattern of burying feelings.  I am a lot like that.  'Misattunement' is a good word when close relationships get out of whack. One positive of speaking out truth, is that we realise we have the courage of our convictions and can speak our truths.  It is an important step to authenticity.  Its an important step in alignment of heart and mind within the one body.

 

"Truth telling" has become a bit of a recent buzzword, and I am wary of it, as it often can mean one version of the truth, and not dialogue between the parties reaching for mutually satisfying outcomes, recognising that each may have been under the burden of their circumstances.  Life is rarely easy street for anyone.

 

My mother could not cope if any of us mentioned anything from 'the 1960s', she would be up in arms and I ended up feeling she was as defended as a sherman tank. For some the 60s was happy larry dippy hippy times, but for us it was early childhood abandonment and being farmed out in state care.  To her death at a ripe age my mother could not cope with anything said about those critical moments for us. She had a "good excuse" and she did her best, but had no capacity for closeness due to the damage she had experienced at vulnerable ages, so the trauma becomes intergenerational trauma.

 

What to do?

 

It was good to read you have a network of people who treat you well.

 

"I am well aware she will never meet my needs. I have spent a long time trying to build my own little network of people who treat me well.

There are complex reasons why my mum and I still have the amount of contact we do. I am working towards having more control around this. The reason ultimately I don't cut her off is she does try on some things, and has made some improvements. I don't think she wants to hurt me like she does, she's not cold-hearted, she's just so messed up and won't get herself help."

 

I do not want to dump on your mother.  I am an older woman with adult children, it is not task for the faint hearted.  However I made a definite decision not to repartner, as my ex used me against his ex ... yadayada ... then things get even more complicated.  There are no perfect families, though some try and present a facade. Not everyone sees modern therapy as helpful.  My mother certainly did not, and when I involved her in some, my family therapist had to write a letter to me due to his ethics to tell me my mother was not to be trusted, but that she was the only mother I had, so I had to guard myself with her, but have whatever relationship I could.  He is one of the rare therapists I still hold in respect.

 

YOU have spoken your truth to her.  It is good and it is done. Sometimes we have to speak it many times for our own benefit, even if the people who ought to hear it have blocked their ears or are gone or dead.  Express your pain in different ways so that it does not build up inside.  Some of it is to do with oneself as an individual, some of it is relational, work through that stuff, so at least you know.

 

You say she is very B&W.  I have to laugh with sad irony, as so many people who claim to be "normal" are like that.  You say she has tried.  I believe you.  Maybe sadly there will always be a distance, but I do not want to increase a generational divide by dumping on her, as I do not know much of her story.  It does not really help because it reduces possible positive experiences, which you both probably deserve, otherwise there can be more regret.

 

Take Care

Apple

 

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