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Something’s not right

Charz
New Contributor

Tough couple of years and maybe a relapse?

Hi all,

I am unsure of where to put this post, I'm really sorry if it's in the wrong location!

I really would love to just vent a little of my past few years to see if anyone has experieced a similar feeling or situations and see if I can get some help or pointers on some quality of life improvements 😄

What made me join this forum is I have just had my first Panic Attack in well over 6 months and I'm feeling incredibly defeated and worried about having them over and over again which was the cycle I had in my mind many many months ago,

(I always thought I just had GAD but the more I read into things I feel like I have Panic disorder, however this is all my self diagnosis, the doctors I have gone too I've told them I have anxiety, experiencing panic attacks and explaining stuff, not to fault them but I don't think I've had an indepth evaluation before)

I never had any issues previous to a traumatic experiece in my life other than what i would call normal anxiety etc,

My mother was diagnsoed with stage iv cancer in 2017, we never really saw any of the other family & I had never met my father, so we were very close, we managed to fit in some holidays here and there throughout the treatment but as things got worse we spent alot of time in and out of hospitals and I think it really broke me,

My first Panic attack came after I had dropped my mother off at the hospital and come back home alone and I really started to think about things and that things wern't getting better, I was sitting inside the back room on my computer and the aircon was just blowing air at me and this feeling that I was going to die had just come apon me, chest sore, I was hyper ventilating, muscles twitching, I stood up and I grabbed my phone and I went out front of the house for sure that I was having a heart attack, I was very close to dialing 000 when i dialed a friend and asked him to come over right away and spend the night with me,

The next months were very tough and we decided that I would stay home and look after her rather than going to somewhere that did palative care, I saw her deteriorate and it was the toughest thing to go through in my entire life, I was not ready for any of this to do it alone, the night before she left she was very out of it but she said to me "If something happens too me, you have to get up, that's the only thing I care about" and I pictured this to be, you've got to get up and live your life, etc as she had previously told me not to worry etc, (but it always dawns on my mind if she had meant I had to get up and be beside her)

She left that night, middle of the night while I was sleeping in May 2019, I woke up and found her on the couch and it's something that is just burnt into my mind,

After everything it was a very big rush to move house in less than a month, I was having subtle panic attacks and feeling off all throughout the move, my friends really helped me out with this,

about 3 months after that I went to talk to the doctor about having panic attacks and he prescribed me medication, I was on that for almost a year, gosh what a rollercoaster that was, I felt better with less panic attacks but again it did have quite a different feeling that went with it, I felt very meh.. I feel like it was impacting my gym and quality of life so I stopped mid to late 2020 (Also no one told me how to come off them so I just cut it out without weening off, would not recommend xD),

I thought I was doing pretty well, my gym progress was coming back and I was feeling quite good (Despite the world falling apart due to covid)

Small panic attacks were coming back and I was getting back into the mindset of thinking I was going to have a panic attack and trying not to think about one but then by doing that I was thinking about it, so everytime I was pumped of working hard etc I would start to hyperventilate and it would spiral into one, (I did call an ambulance to work because I thought I was having a heart attack, they were like, nah dude, you're just having a panic attack.. so that was fun)

After this I went and talked to the doctor again about going back on the medication as it had worked before.. (About a week or so into taking it my body was having a very adverse reaction, it did not want anything to do with medication ever again apparently)

I took it for a couple more days and would just ride them out until I had another huge one at home with my friends, I felt sick, all my muscles were spasming, my chest hurt, I couldn't think, I felt like I was going to die.. I got my friend to drive me to the ER while I was shaking constantly and he spent 8 hours in there with me while they ruled everything else out and were like, "Here's something to calm down"

I was feeling awful.. I went back to the doctor and explained that I felt like I couldn't think at all on this, all I can think about is having panic attacks etc and she gave me beta blockers and more stuff to calm down and put me on sert,

Huge difference right away, sert helped out immensly and my quality of life had improved again, however I am incredibly sensetive to medication like this so I stayed on a certain amount, I tried upping it for a good while and it was really really bad so I went back down and stayed there for a good portion of 2021,

I found that over time I would still feel a bit off here and there, (Good days and bad days, right..) the main thing I was noticing was just I didn't want to do much at all, I was lacking energy, drive, motivationt to train at the gym or do much at all, I felt like I would have to drink a bucket load on the weekend to feel something good,

I started to ween off a coulple months ago, very slowly this time.. working my way down over a good couple of months I would say I did an outstanding job of weening off xD and I was getting my energy back etc,

Well yesterday I had a tripple shot coffee for breakfast, then an espresso for lunch.. then preworkout around 3:30PM,

I was feeling very good, light headed and sea legs, we wrapped up our session early at the gym and got home and I had a huge panic attack again with all the good things, like borderline should I go to the ER kind of panic attack, hah 😞

I had to find where I put all the meds I had previously and I talked to friend as I was feeling incredibly defeated (He gave me a good concept about the ball in the box theory which I hadn't heard before) but I was still feeling like all that hard work I had put in meant nothing as I felt myself thinking about the panic attack and it just kept rolling for hours,

I really struggle when I'm having or had a panic attack or something in my body doesn't feel right or a muscle twitches or anything it can spike my feeling like, "am I having a panic attack" and it just spirals into a cycle..

I just don't know what to do, was this a once off.. I really don't want to go back on meds, I really don't they leave me feeling lifeless but so does the idea of panic attacks starting up again, (Was this medication right for me, was this a once off, am I going to be broken again etc etc, all this I'm thinking about and I called into work today too, which makes me feel more defeated)

I'm really sorry about the wall of text, I apolagise xD

if you made it this far, thank you for reading

3 REPLIES 3

Re: Tough couple of years and maybe a relapse?

Hi @Charz and welcome to the Sane Forums.

Thank you for writing down what is happening for you, sometimes that is really hard to do.

It sounds like you are going through so much at the moment. I am glad you are reaching out for help however.

I hope you find some support on here.

Lots of love 💗

Re: Tough couple of years and maybe a relapse?

Hi @Charz It sounds distressing to be going through this again and I very much get that feeling that everything is a fog and you cannot function properly. I went through a couple of years of trialling and changing medication but when we finally got the right mix and dosages it was life changing. Sometimes our brains tell us that something is going to happen again and again because of that fear we hold - that is never a nice place to be sitting. It may be that you need another visit and conversation with your GP and perhaps a referral to a counsellor to work on what you can do when you begin feeling this way (a suggestion only as not everyone reaps the benefits here in the same way). 

 

It is great you have reached out and I hope you find the support from the communty here helpful. For me it has been invaluable when I have needed that additional support - being among people that get it and can help talk through things is wonderful to have. So welcome to the forum - and welcome to the communuty Smiley LOL

Re: Tough couple of years and maybe a relapse?

Thanks for sharing the ball in a box theory. Like it, but I also have an instant issue with it.

 

I don't want my ball to get smaller.

I want my box to get bigger.

Better yet, I want the box to bend and break, so my circle can bounce in strange new angles.

The box is a limitation to the healthy growth of the ball.

That's why it's bouncing around.

That's why I bounce it.

Maybe that's a problem for the people that like thinking in boxes.

It's also my well-rounded existence.

(That little thing that I actually have an inherant right to.(because it is inherant either way))

The box is also me and it was made to grow.

Otherwise, It's holding the pain button in the same place.

Wouldn't it be better to release that button? Integrate it, even?

Why side against the circle?

 

Boy oh boy, do I love argueing with other people's theories. You've given me a great gift. Thankyou.

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