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Something’s not right

Unlonely1
Senior Contributor

To all my DID friends:

I'm unsure wot is going on with us exactly... I don't know if n e of u will c this,since it's not in the usual place i've posted....

I'm lost.  I'm frightened.  I don't know wot we're doing.

I've 'dumped' my whole team!  I was so angry.

I'm not at the point of feeling sorry i did it, nor regretting it and wanting to talk to n e of them. 

Yet.

I probably will be at some point tho.

I feel there is simply no hope for us.  I read lots of stuff about ppls beautiful success stories.

 

I'm tired....

of trying. 

of giving a shit.

of giving in to the suggestion of others who tell me wot i'm capable of achieving.

wot do they know???

they don't know 'me'

 

We know 'us'!!

We hate 'them'.

Not all of us hate them, but the two up now do.

 

I hope this reaches any of my DID 'friends', bcoz n e non DID person who reads this will probably think I'm completely off my rocker....

 

Just to make sure I'm going to tag some of you.....

@destructive 

@Appleblossom 

@Bellarose75 

@Former-Member 

 

Sorry to all my friends i didn't put here... I hope u will c this post thru others replies...

evry thing is supa hard rite now, but I wanted this to reach sum1 amongst us who 'gets' this misery.

 

Luv and hope 2 all my DID comrades 😞

 

 

12 REPLIES 12

Re: To all my DID friends:

Hi @Unlonely1 

I do get the misery and sorry it's so tough for you. It can be hard to embrace or even just slightly engage with support when you just know they really have no idea the pain, and can never fully. My therapist says that a lot, that she can only imagine. Not that I want her to feel it for herself but i feel like it would be comforting if I could somehow give her 5 mins and say imagine this as your existence.

believe it or not you're so strong. To have made it this far. Every day is a battle and you've survived many

Re: To all my DID friends:

To evry1...

Thnk u for being brave enuf to b on here X

Thnk u for being u (all of ur 'others' inclusive) X

Jst thnk u X

Re: To all my DID friends:

Sometime in the future I think you need to reconnect with your medical team @Unlonely1 . Its hard finding people that still have their books open, or are willing to work with us, and it could be easy to take that for granted if you are used to having a lot of resources at your disposal. We all fall off the wagon sometimes in our self-care. Its just part and parcel of chronic illness, but you can always start again. 

 

You say that I feel there is simply no hope for us. 

 

I have felt this many, many times. It takes a lot of physical stamina to live with a mental illness and we have to contend with ignorant people that still believe it is only 'mental'. But what they fail to realise because they haven't lived it, is that we all have interoception, and when I went into psychosis in 2016 I felt something break inside my body and knew immediately in my heart it could never be healed, I would never work full time again and my life would become marginalised as a result. You can feel it inside, the internal body has a felt sense too, and it is devastating to have a disability. 

 

I bought the most recent book by American Psychiatrist Dr Bruce Perry, collaborating conversationally with Oprah Winfrey. As you probably know he write a lot about dissociation, and as he says it is a physiological process that all of our bodies do to some degree, but if the trauma and neglect starts very young thats when it becomes a problem.........in many ways more knowledge increases my suffering and emotional pain. If I was you, I would limit reading sometimes, reading about how my body is broken and having so much physical evidence in front of me with medical tests and reports done over the years can get too much sometimes. Its disturbing to read about chronic dissociation because its the body's physiological preparation to die, its the shift from trauma to sheer terror. A bit of self delusion and purposeful ignorance can be a good thing. 

 

Its hard to accept all the loss, when everyone around you is travelling along OK. I get so sad seeing my sibs go to work every day, being financially independent, having social connection and being a contributing member to society, with a brain that can function long enough to satisfy intellectual curiosity etc.....but I wouldn't wish what happened to me on anyone. I just drew the wrong cards in life and I have to somehow accept the life I have, and the degree of health I still have.

 

You also said, giving in to the suggestion of others who tell me wot i'm capable of achieving......sometimes we have to adjust our expectations and face the fact we will never be able to function like a person that hasn't lost their health, let alone reach our potential. When that was at the hands of abusive people it is very hard to accept. Some days I can, some days I can't.

 

But I also don't want to live my life according to my abusers paradigm. That my worth has to be proven, it isn't intrinsic, and achievement is one way they expected me to prove my worth. I say no. I don't accept your paradigm, because if I do they still control me. There are other ways to live life.

 

Just my thoughts, Corny

 

  

Re: To all my DID friends:

I've been scared a lot (in my adult yrs) ...

but this is a pivotal point for us......

Our thorts and desires at this moment scare the crap out of us...

We have 'the usual' resources at our disposal... but really????

Will we utilise them??

Unlikely n e more 😞

This place here is wot we have left.

We hate our 'team' atm... tho we love them beyond all question.

It's jst impossible 2 stand this bullshit multiplicity n e more.... the dichotomy, the lies, the desperate reaches for memory wen we don't know wtf ppl r on about!!!

the neva being sure if wot we say is wot we really think...

the total and complete lack of a real 'space'.

I don't want to live like this n e more, yet I cant do shit about it coz i have a child! (7yr old)

Re: To all my DID friends:

hello @Unlonely1 

how are you today my friend 

Re: To all my DID friends:

Defiant - says my grown up 'me' ...

scared out of our minds say the rest of us :angry_face_with_horns:

thnku 4 ur msg ❤️

hσw r u fαríng?

❤️

Re: To all my DID friends:

I'm not sure how to start a new post on an existing thread 😞

So ...  this being the last post i saw on my 'very cursory', search, I'm using it to connect with other DID peeps....

I hope evry1 is hanging in/surviving...

that's not saying much, coz I'm hanging in/surviving & evry moment is pure agony!!

But I'm still here 😞

I'd luv to hear sumthing from sumbody.

We're hanging in via a very thin thread, but we're still here 🙂

I'm unsure if that is good or bad.

Feeling so alone, very suicidal, yet at the same time feeling like that is not any kind of option, since I have a yungun 😞 

Not an option, yet the kindest, most generous thing i think I could give to n e 1 .... letalone evry1!

XXX 2 all out there Heart

Re: To all my DID friends:

Hi @Unlonely1 SmallBlueMouse here, one of the SANE moderators.

Sounds like things have been really hard for you and it is great that you are hanging in and reaching out on the forums.

I have sent you a private email to follow-up and check-in with you.

Re: To all my DID friends:

Wot do u do wen u dont know wots left 2 do??

wen u've given evrything a damn good go ...

& beyond... 

.. wen uve realised, beyond all question that it's dwn 2 only u, yet ur incapable...

... wot do u do then??

i REALLY need 2 know 😕

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