I Went to my Aunty’s funeral this afternoon; while it was sad it was also a really lovely celebration of her life and what she meant to her kids and the rest of us.
Unfortunately my biological mother was there and way too close and she kept hovering around. She put on a real show - loud crying, coughing, her phone rang during the ceremony and she was talking to another Aunty quite loudly. She said to my sister “at least you care about your mother!” when she managed to corner her. I won’t tell you my sister’s response to that. Sadly at that moment I realised there is absolutely no hope for a relationship EVER with her.
My other Aunty who is sick said we need to look after our mother omfg seriously? Why? Why should we? We are not children anymore that can be knocked down, beaten when down and told you are nothing etc etc etc. I feel betrayed by my Aunty - to her my ‘mother’ is a person who can do no wrong.
It really was difficult for me to see the incubator that popped me out, dragged me and my siblings up and then wiped us because we didn’t want to play her games anymore. I hate her so so much. I hate that I will never have those lovely memories my cousins have of a mother that cares.
I feel so empty right now aside from the anger and hate I have toward her. She will NEVER acknowledge what she has done to us. If I ended my life she will probably say I did it to spite her and ruin her day..........
Grief is such a heavy thing to be sitting with, along with what you already manage. Its good to hear you have a GP appointment today. Do you feel like you can be open with them around your suicidal thoughts? Its so important you have support.
