Lived Experience Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

I had multiples of schools at once @CheerBear  .... you will all get the routines going that you need ..... it's perfectly do-able and will have its own sense of normal before too long ....,  

Just focus on getting it up and going.  You have done all the ground-work, especially growing your little fish into understanding that these things can be done with planning, organisation, systems, etc and that perfectly imperfect is okay ❣️

[CheerBear]

Thanks so much for checking in Zoe. I've been going and that's about it. It's been absolutely non-stop and really quite overwhelming. My crew have needed so much from me in every way (physically, emotionally, financially...) that I'm completely drained. I've had some serious run-ins with CATT who have made absolutely baffling decisions and who haven't and don't listen. They've just dealt what feels like a final blow. Never ever again will I try and get help there. It's been harmful not helpful and now there are more and more layers to work through.

The last week since I left hospital has been super hard. If it wasn't mental health and it was physical health I would have had the right support or at least follow up. It's like I've needed to run a marathon at sprint pace instantly after being discharged from a nearly two week stay in hospital for a very broken leg. It wouldn't be this way if it wasn't just a broken brain. There wouldn't be a question about whether follow up support was needed or what might help.

F&H thank you for your words of encouragement, especially the lovely bit about growing my crew. I think hearing that what I've just about broken myself doing (and may always break myself trying to do) about is perfectly doable felt hard to hear. This doesn't feel perfectly doable at all. Not when I am on my own with them, not with a brain that goes so wonky that basic things are not doable at times, or with a history like mine, or kids with histories like theirs, or while trying to work, or trying to fight so hard to literally survive basic everyday life.

I've taken such a step back that I'm stuck in a "life should not have been this way" hole again. There should be another parent in the picture, or at the very least there should not be a parent out there somewhere who is dangerous. The world should not be as dangerous as it is and it shouldn't be as hard as it is. I shouldn't have to advocate so hard for myself and for my crew. Mental health services shouldn't do harm.

I feel completely broken and now even more broken because I tried to get help. It is all too hard right now.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hugs n hugs @CheerBear .....  💞💞💞💞💞💞💞 ...... listening and just sitting with you.  Hoping that some of the baby steps of daily life will bring healing to you in the after-storm .... sending you a virtual cup of tea, and although it's pouring rain here, thoughts of gentle sunshine through leaves.

So sorry to hear that you did not receive the support you needed after hospital 😔 and so, so glad your gp and pdoc were there for you.

[Zoe7]

Oh @CheerBear I am heartbroken to hear all that for you CB. You obviously need (and deserve) so much more support than you are receiving and it baffles me also that you are not getting that. 

I hate that you are back in that dark hole and fully understand you feeling so overwhelmed, on your own and struggling with everything. 'Broken' is not a place anyone wants to be but asking for help and not getting it makes that so much worse. We are here for you CB (although I know that means very little when you need the physical support right now) - but if you need to unload, vent or just talk about anything or nothing then know you have you Hon. Seding you the biggest hugs and so much love - always 💛💜🧡💚💙🌈 (always think of you when I see a rainbow 😘)

[Faith-and-Hope]

@CheerBear ..... 💐

[CheerBear]

😘 Thank you

Sorry for my big vent on Friday. Just after my post I went to see my GP which was helpful in a way. We spoke about there being no practical support so it is down to me needing "muddle on" (her words which made me think of someone I know muddles well 🐢). I muddled yesterday and will muddle again today. I have a list for today, first thing on it being a shower. That in itself seems like a task way bigger than I have energy for but I'll try. If I can't do this list our little home and the little crew in it will fall apart. I really have to do everything on this list and there's nothing more to it.

The agitation seems to have settled a bit (unsurprisingly it increases when triggered by silly mental health 'support' services 😏😔), but the complete lack of energy I have is unreal. It's like nothing I remember before. I had a big teary to Parentline last night about trying to divide myself between them all while managing a house with a wonky brain. I've decided that I'll call a referral service tomorrow if I can and self-refer, hoping for some kind of family support worker. That should have happened by now and it would have happened sooner if the community mental health team had actually done their job, but it didn't and they haven't. I'm also self-managing one of my meds according to the plan from the hospital psychiatrist which was ditched and put in the hands of CATT. They are supposed to be managing a slow increase to that med and my BP and heart rate along with it as it impacts them both, but they didn't do that either.

I'm also in a tricky pickle with another med used to help me sleep. It helps but it takes aaaaages to shake off in the morning and given the situation with the kids and schools and the first one off before 7am, I don't have ages to shake off medication in the mornings. When all the psychiatrists do is dish out meds and they can't do that with any thought to the life I'm trying to live through those meds, there's no hope there. I'm sometimes taking it and sometimes not. I see no other way.

I'm back to work very soon too and feeling super nervous. It feels a bit make or break there. It 'should' go well but shoulds aren't working well for me at the moment so we'll see. I have a plan and it's a good one so that's one thing at least.

Thank you for listening if you did ❤️

[Faith-and-Hope]

👂💐💞 @CheerBear .....

[Zoe7]

It seems some things are on the right track for you @CheerBear but also hearing that is super hard for you to accomplish most things day to day to. You are doing it all despite the lack of support and follow up so give yourself so much credit for what you are achieving. It is never easy juggling meds, day to day task and mental health - but throw in little fish going to different schools, needing to be up super early to get them all off to school AND your own needs and that is a superwoman effort. 👍😁💕

Was thinking of our 🐢 the other day too when posting to someone else - so many wonders and questions but have to believe she is okay because the alternative is filled with too many emotions.

Work for you is going to be a big test but I have no doubt you are very good at what you do and hopefully they will be more supportive than others are presently. Work can also provide us with purpose and that feeds into our own self-worth so I think going back will be an advantage for you ...hope so anyway. Of course you would be nervous - that is quite natural after everything you have been through lately but it is work you love and are highly valued in so I do believe you have got this CB 

Keep up your plans and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Hugs and hugs and hugs 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Agreed @Zoe7  ..... ❣️

💞💐☕️💖 @CheerBear 

[eth]

Best wishes @CheerBear  @Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope @Teej @Emelia8  and @Maggie   I'm not here much these days but do think of you all often.

Sending extra strong hopes for life to improve for you @CheerBear  and hoping the self-referral brings some good help your way.