Lived Experience Forum

[Lemonjuice]

Things are pretty bad in my family household. We are struggling with poverty, there's dysfunction between us, I'm trying to keep everything afloat, and I'm on disability due to my cptsd, while looking after my mother who is 84 and increasingly difficult. Most days I feel anxious and depressed, often I feel impulses to suicide or self-harm and yet, despite this, I try to be happy and do fun things for my mum. She hates everything and everyone, she bitches and whines about everything and everyone, she refuses to wash, she stinks and she gets mad if we try to convince her to shower and when she's not these things, she is highly anxious, panicked and in physical pain...neuropathy. So, tomorrow I thought it would be nice for the two of us to go for a drive and maybe do some fishing. She wants to go but her anxiety is making it hard for her....so the excuses start...apparently it's some saint's feast and we shouldn't be fishing...there's housework to be done...what will the kids (21 and 17!) eat. By tomorrow morning, she will be pale, shaking and have bp and glucose level issues, which means wee probably won't be going. There are times when it's just easier to accept the misery of your life than it is to try and make things better...trying to be happy is just too exhausting.

[Appleblossom]

Hearing how difficult it is to get good vibes going at home.  I have had a lot of experiences like that, where positive activities are repeatedly canned.

Hang in there @Lemonjuice If they wont do it with you.  Maybe go fishing one day for yourself.

[greenpea]

@Lemonjuice Hi Lemonjuice I would love to go fishing with you. Being a vegan I would put the fish back again though and if you supply the beer I will supply the ciggies (I dont drink or smoke but it would be fun just once). To be honest a good conversation fishing with a mate would really be fun :).

[Lemonjuice]

@Appleblossom @greenpea Like I said, she is refusing to go. Now I am stuck with walking out on her to go fishing by myself with all the guilt associated which will just fk up the enjoyment of going or staying home. I give up.

[greenpea]

@Lemonjuice Ugh! It is a tough one ...at least if you go you would do something that you want to do and today is beautiful sunny and bright. Go on and enjoy your fishing. 

[Appleblossom]

@LemonjuiceI second @greenpea's idea.

It is hard when our relationships become enmeshed and we feel trapped in negativity with those most close.

It is not necessary to take on the guilt. SELF CARE is important. Pledge with yourself that you are entitled to your pleasure.

It is wiser not to fold if she is not willing or able to do the things you suggest.

If you are not able to do it today. Pledge a shift in your priority towards healthy activity. Mention it once to give her the option, but do what you need for healing.  It can be a discipline.  

I eventually had to that as a carer, and in the long run it has worked.  It took a long time but it can be a win win situation instead of lose lose. For a while it might seem a win/lose situation but if you keep focussed on healthy it can turn around.

[Owlunar]

Aw sheesh @Lemonjuice - that is a rotten place for you or anyone to be in - 

I like what @Appleblossom has said - it is really important for you to care for yourself - and let's all of us - @greenpea's great idea - let's all go fishing together and have a day of fun and share - I don't smoke either but I can pretend to - 

I don't know what it's like Lemonjuice - but your mother sounds like a hard case - the thought of someone you are caring for not washing - eew - I think if someone living alone choses that way of life it's okay but not if you are sharing a home - that is offensive and I really note that it's something you have to live with but aw dear - what would happen if you refused to put up with it?

Don't answer that - I can't imagine what it's like except that my son would sometimes come and eat with us when he was living rough - he had MI too - and I had to tell him to either shower or eat outside - and because of the conflict I often went and ate in another room -

That's called Tough Love and it applies to your mother I guess - I am so sorry about that

I remember that your mother considers certain days "sacred" - whatever that means to her - and I think you were studying - I hope you are still doing that and on a break. 

If you have offered to take your mother out and she won't go is there any reason she can't be left alone while you go out and tend your own well-being and refuel so you can get the energy to continue

I haven't got your original post on this thread in front of me right now - I willl take another look - but this sounds so tough for you - for anyone - and somethings I do understand

My mother was in care so she was well cared for and my sister had all the official stuff under her total control so I told my mother I had enough of being snarled at and I wasn't going to put up with it. I never would have regardless because of my lifetime being a long essay in my mother's efforts to break my spirit - I mean - she told me - I was studious and also I was obedient and honest yet she could not leave me be so I spent years away from my family living my life - unhappy a lot of the time I remember - but not guilty

I really care Lemon - I know this has to be really hard but please - don't feel guilty - no need for that

Yes - I just read the name of the thread again - the stress of being happy - and you want to give up trying to feel happy - aw - that is a hard one

Let's see what other people come up with - maybe happiness is a hard stretch and exercise in being stress-stress-stress 

What can you do? 

Care heaps 

Dec

[Lemonjuice]

@greenpea @Appleblossom @Owlunar I am spending the day in my room. Watched some videos, fell asleep, my computer is about to die, so I transfered pictures into usbs. I'm ok...I think. Maybe I didn't want to go myself. Maybe I'm dissociated feelingwise so that's why I am calm. Maybe I don't care anymore.

@Owlunar I appreciate you caring about me but I'm probably going to delete my account this week, so don't go getting too attached. I've sort of made my decision to accept my fate, that I will not be having a life of my own and that a sacrifice is required. As long as I want things for myself, I will be suffering...lol, that's a Buddha idea, isn't it...desire is suffering. I've chosen not to desire to stop my suffering. I feel relief...no more struggles, no more pain. In which case I don't need to be here, don't need a therapist either.

[Owlunar]

Hi @Lemonjuice

That sounds really sad - I don't think that will be a pain-free fate for you - I'll keep the door ajar for you - 

I do understand though - about your mother - 

Dec