Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia @Zoe7 

I'm just tired of giving it my energy and entertaining all the bullsh...t. I don't even want it to happen in the first place. Just had enough. 

[Zoe7]

No doubt that conversation did happen @Powderfinger but if she is saying the 27th now that is what you need to work towards. It is not what you agreed to but unfortunately it is the date you have to deal with. I am super sorry this is being extended again for you but there really is nothing more you can do as she has paid rent until then 

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 

I know there is nothing I can do. I'm.too.too too tired to care anymore @Zoe7 .

This is not the first person in my life who has shown me love and absoluten rage and anger simultaneously. My mother did it to me, been in other relationships where it was done to me. This is NEVER going to happen to me EVER again. 

I don't believe in love anymore. I do not believe there is anyone in the world truly able to love me without abusing me. I'm.tired of people blaming me for the abuse because of my childhood. That I somehow subconsciously choose these people over and over again in my life. Perhaps there may be part truth in that but not the full truth. It is still putting the responsibility into me for someone else's choice to abuse me. 

I can see how damaged I am from the year gone by. It's amazing how someone that claimed to love you in the way they did and do things for you, to end treating you like you are a nothing. Like you were no one. Like you do not even exist. Like they cannot wait for their new life to begin without you. 

It's still part of the abuse. Ramming it in like you were no good to them and they are happier without you. Your illness was an issue. Your illness that you couldn't always help. I wonder if a blind man asked for directions, would people be pointing at landmarks and saying see that shop over there? Would anyone have a conversation with a deaf people son, not directly looking at them and admonish them for not resoonding? 

Would ANY me load someone up with 20 shopping bags that was in a wheelchair and expect them to help themselves? Anyone with a heart and that was sane wouldn't do it. Yet it seems to be OK to get angry with me and berate me for things that I try my best to deal with regarding my illness. To make me feel so unworthynif being heard and listened to because I'm being triggered with something. Not supporting be and let's talk about it so we can work it out. 

This has been a long time coming. I don't get apologies. I don't get to use my voice. I don't get to talk about my feelings. I get nothing. 

[Anastasia]

I hear you so loud with this @Powderfinger 

"I'm.tired of people blaming me for the abuse because of my childhood. That I somehow subconsciously choose these people over and over again in my life. Perhaps there may be part truth in that but not the full truth. It is still putting the responsibility into me for someone else's choice to abuse me" 

It's not your fault. You don't choose any of it, least of all the abuse. People don't get it.

My mother is deaf an sadly some people do not face her when they speak and dismiss her as dumb or won't repeat what they say. Some people are just plain f*$#@d up. No empathy. It is those people that need to have walked the same path to be empathetic. Mostly they won't. Doesn't make it right. My advice and I'm still learning it myself. Choose people/situations in your life that lift you up. Do it quickly in the piece. Walk away if they don't. I have a long way to go with this myself so whilst I'm giving you this advice please understand it's not dictating it because I am far from that goal myself. In fact I now know I am not a very good judge of character and have copped way than my fair share of emotional abuse my entire life. So perhaps this is something we can work on together? Throw ideas around upon meeting people, sounding board type of thing. I feel that @Zoe7 is very wise and has a good judge of character so I am interested in her response to your post.

Sending you strength and love and hugs 🤗💞

[Zoe7]

@Anastasia You give me way too much credit methinks Hon 

@Powderfinger I too always believed I was not worthy of that love and everyone in my life would always abuse, use or hurt me. I am on my own but also choose that. Part is that I am still protecting myself from that ongoing hurt and part is I am too set in my ways to share anything with anyone. What I can say though is I firmly believe the more we go looking for that connection, that love, that closeness and that life we always dreamt we would have the more we choose those that do hurt us. We see in them what we want to see and not who they really are deep down. Much of our judgement when 'in love' is clouded by the intense feelings we first feel. 

Having been through relationships that have caused me immense pain, I fully understand how someone who professes to love you can also hurt you the most. So yes I do get that pain and I do get that loss of faith in people, trust in people and how much we can be hurt by people.

In saying that I also know the love of someone that whilst not a romantic love I did unexpectedly find with my friend that I lost late last year. We re-connected after many, many years (were at high school together) and nearly immediately we knew how much we cared for each other but there was no romantoc feelings there ...but that did not diminish the love we had for each other. In him I had  a best friend, a confidante, a sounding board and trust. Trust for me was massive as apart from one or two people in my life I had not really trusted anyone for the longest time. He was not perfect (nor am I) and had his own MH issues to deal with but we talked openly about that and supported each other throughout. So I would say, right now, you are not in a position to feel there is a way out of the horrible position you find yourself in ...both physically and emotionally ...that will take time. Focussing on all the pain that your ex has caused, all the pain everyone in your life has caused, does not hurt any of them - it only further adds to the hurt you are feeling. Do not get me wrong here - I am not at all saying you need to put that all aside - quite the opposite - feel those emotions and let yourself grieve because that is very important but along the way also do not give those people that have hurt or abused you the luxury of them winning. For a very, very long time my whole life was consumed by those that abused me and how they made me feel about myself until one day I literally chose to stop letting them rule my life. That came with a recognition that I cannot change the past, cannot change what others may or may not do - all I can do is be me and that is enough. Coincidently that time very much came when I re-connected with my friend because he saw Me and allowed me to be Me. We did not always agree with each other but we respected our differences as much as our shared experiences and that relationship - mutual respect and love for each other for who we were - both meant everything to me and changed my mindset for the better. So I am not going to through around the normal cliches right now but I will say whilst this breakup is very new and very raw - look after yourself first because in the end that is all we really have to do.

[Anastasia]

((((( @Zoe7 @Powderfinger )))))

🙏🤗🌹🌷💕💞

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia 

It's my kind, loving and caring heart that is the issue. I have cared immensely for people all my life. Ever since I was a child up until now. I have care for people that have hurte, we're continuing to hurt me, had nothing better to do than hurt me. I kept caring, I kept loving, I kept being there, I just kept on. I did it my while life. This is what I've done. I'm 41 years old now and life has kicked the sh...it out of me. 

My heart, my kindness, empathy has done nothing but get me into trouble, done nothing but bought pain, done nothing but cause damage, done nothing but really *!$#- my soul up. 

Do I trust anyone anymore. Not at all. For years I have felt I'd be better off on my own. I'm 41 now and I actually do not see anything wrong with that mindset. I don't see why it is such a problem for people when zi say I like spending a lot of my time alone. Most times they go into such negativity. Oh that's not good, you need to socialise. It can add to depression. I feel like saying actually no it's quite the opposite. Being around people makes my depression much worse. Oh, why? Cause most people are assh...Les. Oh. I'm getting even tired if having to justify my preferences in life. 

When this ass...ole leaves, I will be blocking her right away on my phone. There is zero reason to have contact. ZERO. If I could afford the rent on my own, I'd prefer living here just by myself. 

If you want to throw idea around in meeting people @Anastasia go for it. I cannot promise you I can be helpful at all. I see myself in a very disgusting, ugly, worthless, pathetic way at the meeting ment, that I just can't even see anything good about myself if anyone elses I no longer trust, I don't even trust myself anymore @Anastasia 

However the universe works in showing people that they really have wronged someone, whatever the universe outs in someone's path to show them the truth of who they are and have been, I can only hope it happens to her and it brings her to her knees. I have zero interest in having anything to do with her when she is gone. 

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 

I am listening to what you say, especially your first paragraph. I will never apologise for being a loving person, a kind person, seeing the best of people, lifting people up that were down or just generally being a lovely person with a lovely heart. NEVER EVER APOLOGISE FOR THAT. The shame is not on me. The shame belonmgs with the people who had horrible intentions right from the get go, the shame is on the people that CHOSE TO ABUSE, abuse is a choice and I do not accept that people do not know what they are doing. They know very well what they are doing. The shame belongs with the cowards and weak people WHO CHOSE  to do dispicable things to a person who did no wrong to them. I WILL NEVER APOLOGISE for seeing someone in pain and wanting to show them that life can be beautiful by showing them the beauty in me and for them using that to their advantgae to hurt, use me, abuse me. The shame is on them. The shame does not belong with me. 

You say loving blinds us to things. I do not agree, It does not blind us. We see it, what we dont see is that we cannot help them. That is the difference. Our love is not enough to help them. That could be for millions of reasons. I was a person that believed in the power of love. Was I stupid for believing that? Did that make me blind? No, it didn't. The shame is not with me. The shame sits with people who do not want to choose love. They prefer bitterness, being jaded, being selfish, being whingers, being stuck in their pity party and woe is me, wanting to be miserable even though they have a chance at happiness, wanting to abuse, choosing to abuse, using abuse, making excuses and then blaming everyone else because their life is crap. The shame lies with them. 

Has this relationship been the one that has finally changed me so deeply that I do not even want to go back to being who I was. HELL YES. I do not want the person I was when I was with her. I finally had enough of being that person. I do not know hwo I want to be now? No idea. I do know that I no longer like that person. That person has gone through too much. That person never wants to look back at the old person she was. That person is tired of being that person. That person serves no good purpose. Look at where I am at now. HELL HOLE NUMBER 2000. 

There was never ever anything wrong with me simply wanting to love and be loved. NOTHING AT ALL. Yet, from a child I was made to believe that I was wrong for wanting that. I had to do something or be something special, I had to earn it somehow. Ive never just been enough for anyone. So, you know what, here is my BIG FU....K YOU to everyone. I will be who I wish to be and if anyone wants to challenge that, there is a door and they can use it pretty fast. I am damn tired of people trying to mould me in what they want and need. Had enough. 

We have spoken a lot about your friend in other threads. I am glad you were able to find him and have the time you did with him. I have just literally had enough of people. Really just had enough.  

[Zoe7]

I totally agree @Powderfinger that the shame is on those that choose to abuse in any form.

Here is the dichotomy however - can we show others the path we want them to take and in doing so change them in some way while not giving them the same in return. I do not believe we as individuals should change for anyone - our true, authentic self has to be the one we present so we can be around, with, alongside those that share those same values and beliefs as we do. If someone we are with does not share those fundamantal things we so highly regard in ourselves then maybe they are not who we should be with anyway.

What you may see as 'helping' someone may infact be wanting to mould them into something they are not - as what they are fundamentally is not what you would like them to be. This is a generalisation here I am talking about and not specific to your present situation but unless someone wants to and/or has a desire to change no-one can do it for them.

I hold that love can be blind as we often fall for someone quickly without actually really knowing them. This comes with time and in that time we may find out things that we did not or could not see in the beginning when it is natural for both parties to want to please the other in any way they can. Once the 'honeymoon' period wears of and rela life gets in the way that is when the real person is shown - sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. We can close our eyes to the little things at first because we want things to work but the longer they go and the bigger they get, the harder it is to  accept.

When it comes down to it - we cannot change the essence of someone no matter what we do or don't do - that is their burden to carry and we can only hope that in the process we are not the ones that are immeasurably hurt. Unfortunately you have been - sooooo much but do not let go of that kind heart and empathy you have for people because it really does matter. 

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 

You said this.

"Here is the dichotomy however - can we show others the path we want them to take and in doing so change them in some way while not giving them the same in return. I do not believe we as individuals should change for anyone - our true, authentic self has to be the one we present so we can be around, with, alongside those that share those same values and beliefs as we do. If someone we are with does not share those fundamantal things we so highly regard in ourselves then maybe they are not who we should be with anyway."

I do not believe we as individuals should change for anyone - no. I believe if we wanted to make changes for ourselves, it would be because we want to change, we want to be a better person, we want our lives to be better in some way, we want something different. In saying that though, when who you are is really hurting people, people that care for you and love you, when who you are is causing so much damage to another person and so much hurt, when that is who you are and you keep getting given so many chances and so much support from your loved ones and you don't want any relatiosnhips to end but you do not want to change either, and you say you want to change but then negate on that and lay blame on the other person , well hey shame on you for really stuffing with someone's feelings, heart and head. 

Furthermore, change is inevitable in life. Very inevitable. My view, thoughts and beliefs were you as a couple will change and perhaps people will grow if they want to. I wanted to be with someone that was willing to understand those things and grow together. Sure, Ok fine, I will admit I lived in some fantasy world perhaps of my own creating that it was even possible. However, I lived that way in this relationship. I loved her very much. With all my heart and all my soul. I wanted to grow as a person and I was willing to change in areas where I could see I perhaps needed to change. I was not willing to change things about me that did not need changing, especially if they were not hurting anyone immensely. 

I ma talking about the clothes I may like to wear, the way I like to have my hair, the books I like to read, the music I like to listen to, and so on. No one should ask you to change those things if that is who you are and what you like. 

My beliefs, my thoughts and my understandings about things may appear to be a fantatsy life for others, a world created that just does not exist, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. It was what I believed and thought though. 

Sure maybe I am guilty of pushing too hard to want someone to communicate with me in a relationship. Maybe I am guilty of asking for those needs to be met time and time again. Maybe I was lso trying to do my best to have a healthy relationship. Communication is healthy. It creates intimacy and closeness. Try living with someone who doesn't talk to you for days on end. Try living with someone who shuts you out emotionally. Try living with someone who just completely cuts you off. Try living with that and being in love with the person, Being in love does not die quickly. If it does, then I question if it ever was love. 

As for my kind heart and my empathy, it needs to change. I cannot be this person anymore. It has hurt me in my life more than it has sustained me in my life. There are very few who will not take you for a ride and trample all over that.