Lived Experience Forum

[Wenna]

Hi @KindHeartedSoul, sounds as if its a tough night. I have sent you and email but I also wanted to say take care.
Wenna

[Paperdaisy]

Hi @KindHeartedSoul I'm one of the peer workers here and I wanted to drop by to check in on you. I hope you're doing better 💝

[KindHeartedSoul]

TW SELF HARM URGES, SUICIDE IDEATION, SUICIDE ATTEMPT TENDENCIES

I was supposed to be at work this very minute but instead I’m at home... I’m struggling harder tonight... I got this nagging itch\urge to self harm... it’s been going on the last few days...the only way I haven’t done yet was to force myself to sleep by taking numerous meds to achieve that. I’ve actually has taken them already and now just waiting for it kick in... but then I wanna go into the bath tub just before it kicks in and stay there til it does..and the rest is up to what that moment will be, if it happens then that’s it... I’m alone at home sitting with these urges feelings thoughts and intrusive voices in my head... I know I should do any of the skills I’ve learned so far from my DBT group but it’s proving harder and harder to do so when your whole body is overwhelmed with all these things that some of em i dont\cant understand... when I use the checking the facts by challenging the thoughts and urge, I’m coming up with reason why self harming is what I need to do.. trying to do pros and cons but I’m coming up with reasons that acting on it is what’s best for me... so what do I do... at some point I may need to talk to someone who can help or intervene and take control over me coz I know that I am at the losing end of this stick...

[TuxedoCat]

hi @KindHeartedSoul, we sent you an email to check-in last night. We'd love you to respond 😊 

It seems like you're trying the DBT skills, even if you're not sure they will work. This shows a lot of determination for things to change. 

[KindHeartedSoul]

The day has come yet again… the vivid imagery, the self harm and Suicidal intent, the head Miles and the nagging voices are at it again., I feel that I can’t save myself this time… I think no one can., it’s unfortunate and tragic but it’s my reality at this moment., maybe by putting it out there can somehow alleviate the unsettling feeling and thoughts… this wave has lingered long enough to make me realise that this is my destiny, a tragic ending to a very sad and unfortunate life story… I know that I may have saved myself the last time but this time it’s different.. I can’t turn my brain off or control what I do to myself… there’s no point in reaching out when my mind and body is set on acting out on the urge… the control is definitely not mine but with these thoughts, urges and voices… it is what it is at end of this all… unless some miracle happens nothing can do anything about my problem anymore… I’m at 99.9% of giving in…

[tennisstar]

Hello @KindHeartedSoul I've sent you an e-mail 

[KindHeartedSoul]

TW Suicide, Self harm urges, Intrusive Voices

I guess at some point I have to go home and face my fate… I’ve accepted the fact that this is what needs to happen coz every time I try to seek help or get anything good there comes this impending doom… it seems to be that it’s the only constant thing or loop in my chaotic life… I can’t keep doing this (keep fighting for a tolerable life) when it’s written in the stars that this is where my story ends… why do I keep resisting it when it’s what needs to happen? Why keep trying when in the end your alone in this anyways? Why keep torturing myself by helping myself if by acting on the urge is where I can be finally free and happy? So I guess By writing here would give me a sense of peace when all of this is over… yes I’ll be just a number but the chance to be finally pain free and at peace is what I’ve been wanting for years… today is the day when I finally achieve that and probably even more… I honestly accept my fate and is ready for what’s on the other side… hopefully in my next life things will be better and that I’ll enjoy life more… I’ve already placed things for those who matter to me for when everything has ended for me… this will be a selfish act but I know one day they’ll all understand why I had to do it… I hope I’ll be remembered as someone who enjoyed life and was happy… I do hope that I’m leaving everyone withhold happy moments and not the bad ones… I’ve initiated the grand plan and all that’s left is the final part of it… it’s done and will soon be over… thanks for everyone’s help but this is where it ends…

[Basil]

Sitting with you @KindHeartedSoul, have sent you an email this morning ❤️

Your username bursts my heart (in a good way) 🎊 It makes me think how much this world needs those with kind hearted souls the most, but we - the beautifully sensitive ones - can simultaneously sit with so much love and so much pain at the same time. I'd love to understand what your username means to you if you ever feel like it.

🌻