Lived Experience Forum

[Jessten]

I've been battling drs for years for answers over a medical condition and with no answers I thought I had accepted it was my anxiety causing symptoms.

Lately though I feel as if I have hit a brick wall In one way I want to know what's going on with me and on the other hand I just want to stop looking for answers.

I feel as if I just need to get away from everything and everyone to try and work out what is the epicenter of my anxiety but the more I try to work out what's causing it the more frustrated I become

[Guiding_Light]

Greetings @Jessten 

Thank you for sharing your challenges, as someone with much lived experience of mental illness and the transformation to mental wellness, awareness and clarity; I hope that my response is beneficial to you and others.

I'm not familiar with the terminology abreviation of the "drs" label and what you are refering to,
However I know how to address the fundamental question and what you are seeking.

It sounds to me like you have progressed significantly on your journey to be at a point where you are starting to recognise that what you seek is already within you, that the only way out is in and that you don't need additional overload of information, meaningless oppinions, and "blah blah", you need proper guidance and direction, this is a very significant and important step in transformation, congratulations.

You can think of my role as a battlefield light, a light in the darkness of the battlefield, to offer guidance and vision where my experience and understanding is called for and needed.

So firstly, Anxiety (and fear) is the result of a future oriented mind, they are always about what might happen in the "future", not what is happening in the present. Anxiety is a concern about the non-existential, the root of it is purely thought based.
We cannot have an emotional reaction about something without a thought or programmed belief system structure about that thing first. It may even be an entire program of lies we have been fed, and brainwashed into believing.

So the root of anxiety belongs to a character who believes "X, Y and Z", the root of thoughts always belongs to a character and identity, a little "me" with a story, with likes and dislikes, we call this the "personality" which is an artificial construct that we have picked up and accumilated through life, it is a persona, a character, it's not who we truly are.

So getting to the root of the thoughts requires us to investigate.
When they arise we enquire and ask ourselves using self-enquiry "to whom has this thought arisen" , and who am I to see it? to sincerely ask who am I? (There isn't an answer to that, it is in the not-knowing that we can only become "knowing") We can then recognise that we aren't the thought at all, It is like a character on the stage of life, it is a coming and a going, a temporary, but we aren't a coming and going we've seen many characters the happy, the sad, the angry, the loving etc, we've played all the parts but who are we?
You are the source of your reality, the cause, without you there is no reality percieved.
The source of the mind is the heart, literally, the heart is the first thing formed in the womb which makes a flower of life pattern (i'm sure you've heard of it sacred geometry), next to form is the building blocks of the brain, you are not 2 pieces or 2 people(or more), they both belong to your vehicle this life, you are one whole being, however the source of you recides within the heart (of the "matter" which is beyond form, beyond body and mind i.e you are God as is all).

The whole process of true awakening in this modern age is about de-programming, backtracking beyond the name and gender we were born with, beyond identity and personality constructs which all came after, picked up from the world.

This is about returning home and there is no mistake that we have the phrase:
"Home is where the Heart is"

What you have described you are experiencing is only a character within you who believes that you are "parts" and divided but it's only a character, a belief, you can observe it from a much deeper space which proves it's not you i.e "if i can see that one then who am I?".

So instead of seeking answers outside, it sounds like it's now time for you to start asking questions within, because it is by our inner self-enquiry that we get to the root of the "weeds".
I can offer guidance to shine a light on the door, to reveal the pathway and the way that one needs to go to find true peace, understanding, true awakening and liberation from all suffering, I know this because i've done just that by lived experience, sure, I can show you that door and it is the same door for everyone because the source of all thoughts for everyone belong to characters and the one who is beyond all characters is within all of us, and that one is the "I" (I AM)(God within you), it can't be intellectually understood, it can only be known by experience, Which is why only you and by your own will you can choose to go there, and as you have said it sounds like you already know this so it's important to listen to that, that's your heart talking, your intuition that knows whats best for you, the more you listen to that the stronger it gets, it's time to spend quality time with your selflessness, to enjoy your own company, this is a journey that only you can take because the direction is inward.

This is about far more than just overcoming any kind of diagnosis or label stuck on us, because that's not who we are either, to not identify with the label and "illness" or "disorder" is one of the steps needed to overcome it, globally this is about the human stepping into thier power, to recognise and realize thier true and divine nature this is the path to true awakening so if you are interested then I suggest looking into a practice called self-enquiry meditation, time in nature, healthy food, yoga and music are all beneficial towards this path.

How exciting for you to be on the verge of this wonderful transformation!
Fantastic, congratulations,
No caterpillar ever became a butterfly without the darkness of the cocoon.

I wish you peace, clarity, awareness and wellness
Bless you

Namaskaram,

Guiding_Light

[CheerBear]

Hi @Jessten. The title of your post really caught my eye. I often feel like I am stuck between head and heart. Sometimes I call it my thinking brain and my feeling brain. It's like there's a fight happening between both. At times one takes over and shuts the other off. It feels very jumbled up.

I can relate to the way seeking answers can lead to frustration. It's like the more I ask the more questions happen at times. I wonder whether it's easier to stop looking but often the drive to keep seeking answers is too strong to stop.

How are you going since you posted? Is there anyway of getting away from it all for a little while? Moments of distance and space can really help I find.

[Jessten]

Thanks im really struggling.as feel like everything is out of my control.received a phone call yesterday asking me to pick up friends children as my friend was in hospital. I agreed to having them overnight but then got a phone call today saying they are keeping her in longer and she needs me to look after them longer. I dont know if the fact I'm not 100% myself or what it is exactly but I feel like I'm struggling to staying strong and keep it together this time.