Lived Experience Forum

[DID82]

I’m just wondering if there ever comes a time when you don’t feel like a disgusting piece of crap. I hate myself bad because of it and how it all played out. I think my brain is trying to make sense or meaning but can’t so the focus goes back to me. 

[tyme]

Dear @DID82 ,

Thank you for trusting us with your post. I'm sorry to hear how tough things get for you. I wanted to reach out and tell you that no type of sexual abuse it okay. Perpetrators may want you to think that way, however, know for a fact that it is NEVER okay.

I hope members will be able to share their insights into this.

Have you ever contacted 1800RESPECT? Do you have any supports in place?

tyme

[DID82]

Hi

i have never heard of 1800 respect I do have supports in place which is good but still trying to find that place where I can acknowledge what happened and feel ok with me

[TuxedoCat]

Heya @DID82 thanks for trusting us here ❤️

I promise there will be a time when you don't feel like this. It might not be super soon, but that day will absolutely come. 

I don't know what happened to you, but I know it wasn't your fault. Maybe I'm not on the right track, but it sounds like you're blaming yourself for what happened?

When I started processing my abuse, it took me a long time to stop blaming myself. I think because I could only understand my own experience and thoughts about what happened. For me, I started reading a lot of information about how abuse is structural and is a tool that abusers use to have power. And that they're very skilled at getting what they want. It helped me blame myself less without going over everything that happened.

I don't know if this resonates with you?

Also, I would also recommend calling 1800 RESPECT 

[DID82]

Hi yeah I do have supports in place but I need to look into the 1800 respect support thank you

[Zoe7]

Hi @DID82 I an only speak from my experience but in answer to your question - yes. It did take me a long time but one day it was like a switch was turned on and I could leave the past in the past. It was not an easy road though - and a lot of years of feeling 'crap'. It takes away every part of you and unfortunately leaves us with not only the person we were but who we also want to be. It also leaves us feeling so low and worthless that we often feel we have nothing, am nothing and deserve nothing. ...but - and this is a big but - by doing that we continue to let the abuser(s) win and continue to control our lives. Taking back that power for ourselves and finding a little joy in each day can help us slowly build up our own self worth. Also acknowledging that it was not a choice we made but one that was made for us can help in beginning to move forward. The nightmares, flashbacks and memories will not disappear completely but the more we take control of our own life, the more we give those abusers the respect they deserve (NONE), the more we can begin to rebuild ourselves into the person we were always meant to be, the easier the days slowly become.

I do here also want to acknowledge that all this seems impossible when we are in the depths of that dark hole - been there so many times and never, ever, thought I would find a way out. It was actually thanks to so many on here that held out that hope for me that I can now sit here and do the same for you. It is not an easy road at all but it is possible. 

[Little_Leopard]

@DID82  There is also Blueknot  foundation who are very good and trauma counselling for sexual abuse survivors.

would be great if you can try and get yourself a trauma psychologist. Apparently The Blueknot foundation have a list of registered psychologist who are so called “trauma informed”. Might be worth a go. Don’t get your hopes down if you don’t like a particular psychologist. A lot of the time it takes trying multiple psychologists to find a good fit.