Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[bekka1986]

Me and my partner have been together for almost 14 years and have 3 children together, he's always had mental health problems but they are just getting worse and worse. At first it was depression and anxiety, in the last few years he has been diagnosed with ptsd,borderline personality disorder, health anxiety, anxiety disorder among others. This year has been the worst year ever, he has been in and out of hospital sometimes just for a night other times for 3 weeks a time, he has severe panic attacks to the point he can't move and sometimes loses all bodily functions so as he feels he can't cope with them at home he has to go to the hospital everytime, leaving me to clear up all the bodily fluids you can imagine. He's on so many different medications, the last episode last Saturday was the worst so far, he went to hospital and was admitted but he decided to leave on the Sunday against advice. The Friday before he had a total meltdown and call me every name under the sun and told me to take my engagement ring off for no apparent reason. The hospital upped his meds so he's now been asleep almost all week apart from a few hours in the evening. We haven't talked about that particular argument as I'm scared of setting him off again, last night in his few awake hours he started asking me for sex, and whinging when I said no, as bad as this might sound I don't want to have sex with him, he made me feel horrible about myself last week like the last 14 years have meant nothing to him, I spend all my time looking after the kids as he's asleep and looking after him,getting his tablets etc, he can't drive at the moment obviously due to his meds, I don't drive and we live in the middle of nowhere so I'm relying on friends and public transport to go out and get food with a two year old in tow so I'm so stressed at the end of the day. Am I being horrible by not having sex with him because "it's not his fault". I don't feel like his partner anymore I just literally feel like his carer 😔

[Former-Member]

Hello @bekka1986

Welcome to the forums! Thank you for joining our online community and sharing your story with us all. Sounds like both you and your partner are struggling a bit at the moment - in different ways. It would be hard feeling like your relationship has travelled into a different dynamic of patient and carer. 

I don't think anyone should do anything they are not comfortable in doing - RE: being intimate with your partner. What would you need from him in order for you to feel like you could be intimate? In no way does this make you a bad person. You are going through a lot at the moment, and on top of that, you are feeling as though the last 14 years of your relationship has meant nothing to your partner. That is tough and very hard to comprehend. 

There are a lot of people on this forum who are also caring for their partners, and I think they may be able to assist you in coping and self care for yourself. @Shaz51, @CLA and @shr could you add anything here? 

Be kind to yourself

Jac-in-the-box 

[Former-Member]

P.S. Maybe this thread might be of interest to you? 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @bekka1986

I just wanted to stop by and let you know you are not alone ....

I have "lost" my beautiful husband to an illness that has invaded our lives and turned him into someone else.   We are still in that zone where he us in denial of being ill, and we are trying to stay walking with him until he arrives at a place where that can be acknowledged, diagmosed, and treated.

While the main presentation is in the form of an eating disorder, it appears there may be other drivers behind this .... which is intimidating to say the least.  We really don't know what we've got here ....

His daily regimen controls his thoughts and behaviours across the day, and in order to live with this, we have to walk on eggshells to keep him pacified so everyone else can function.  This amounts to enabling, but there is so much to lose that until the denial is breached, any reference to his illness or interference to the management of his regimen is met with hostility and retaliation.  Exhausting, distressing, and seemingly endless .... but like you .... we need to persevere with the expectation that things will eventually improve.

There are so many echoes in what you have written .... intimacy is off the table .... can't relate to who he is now beyond continuing to function as parents and keepers of a home and family .... and I am thankful his analytical mind is capable of upholding our financial management, but he is emotionally and socially absent.  I am competing with boiled eggs for his attention !!

The forums have been great for connecting with others who understand the nature of these sorts of issues.  You will find compassion and companionship here .... connectivity and advice.  It helps to vent ... to have a voice and be heard .... and find others walking along with you.

🌷💜

[pip]

Dear @bekka 1986. Sharing intimacy with your partner/spouse is supposed to be just that - 'sharing'. I would say when your partner requested sex with you, he was thinking of the physical side. Men have physical needs where women need the emotional as well as the physical side. We are wired so differently, that, to a man, sex is quite often a physical release of energy. My ex used to frequently hop into bed hours after I was asleep and he would want to 'help' himself, without thinking of my emotional need. Women like to be held, shown love, not necessarily seduced into sex, but to know we're needed for all the right reasons. When your partner lashed out at you, he made you feel really bad. He needs the physical release where you need the emotional side. There's a huge lack of communication here, you want something he is unable to provide, he wants the physical release. I would just tell him, you're physically unwell at the moment. I wouldn't tell him you have a 'headache', it's the 'wrong' time, or you're tired. I would just say I'm not well and need sleep. Yes, he will probably whinge a bit more, but let him, whinging won't hurt him. You need to care for you and he needs to learn to respect your needs.

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @bekka1986

I thought I would say a quick hello to you. I can see that, @pip and @Faith-and-Hope have said hello and @Former-Member

Hello @Former-Member....

Firstly, I am very sorry that this is happening for you.  Intamite?? Whats that when your caring for someone with mental ill health issues? I care for my darling husband who has MI but ....my son is completely better now but when  we got togther  I had already  had the terrible journey of caring  for my youngest son. I had crashed and burned and didnt know of support etc. So, I put a restraining order on my husband for 18 months because I couldnt cope with what was happening.

Like what @Faith-and-Hope writes, we all do what feels good for us individually to get time for us and what works for us. A restraining order worked well for me. After 18 months, he wrote me a card via my Mum and we became friends for a year. Sane forums supported me through the year. Then we decided to get back together again, he had quit driking and using drugs and now takes his medication responsibly which he didnt do before. When I got the restraining order, I thought I was going crazy. We hadnt been intimite for a very long time. After 18 months of time alone, it changed.

Please stay in touch, we are here for you,

PP  

[Shaz51]

Hello @Paisley

how are you today ??

I see you like @Faith-and-Hope comment

The forums have been great for connecting with others who understand the nature of these sorts of issues.  You will find compassion and companionship here .... connectivity and advice.  It helps to vent ... to have a voice and be heard .... and find others walking along with you.

I too agree, the forum has helped me sooo much xx

[Shaz51]

Hello @bekka1986,how are you going ??

sending you hugs ,

Hello @PeppiPatty, @pip, @Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @Shaz51

thank you x

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi everyone.

How are you going @bekka1986 ?

Just thinking about you ....

🌷💜