Something’s not right
19-05-2021 09:18 AM - edited 20-05-2021 11:54 AM
I have sat on this forum for some months not sure when to make my first post. I am so grateful for this forum and for the kindness you have all shared in sharing of your experiences. I have for a long time been in some sort of array of confusion about all that which is at hand and unfolding in my relationship with my wife. I am grateful for this platform.
Seven years in and it does indeed appears that the wheels are falling off; I won't go into all the details of all the events that have transpired but it does indeed seem that my wife yet to be diagnosed is struggling with BPD. Ticks 80% of the symptoms however the degree that it is obvious to her is perhaps not where it should be.
She has in recent time begun to consider the possibility that there is a challenge at hand but it has been an upward struggle and still continues to be. Paired to BPD is seeming addiction to sex. The demands for sex are beyond; if we are not having sex 7-8 times per week or moving toward such, all hell unfolds and it has become worse. It appears that there is a constant need for attention and validation through sex; which is seemingly never satisfied.
I am lost for words and I guess in many ways struggling to draw attention to the challenge. She is without a doubt a good person, but BPD is proving to be a problem of note; even thought of starting a family has gone out the window for me because I just could not bring a child into these combustible settings that are taking form.
I do love my wife but I have to be honest over the years the blows have been so significant. She is heading to Private Treatment Centre for three weeks in 3 weeks' time and I have encouraged her to stay an extra if she wants to. There has been a lot of trauma in her life and living with her mother who had BPD the sad reality is that over these 5+ years, I am coming to realize my wife is drawing stronger parallels with her mother. In as much as I would love to have children, there is no way, I could consider children at this stage; not in the gear, we are in.
Her awareness of her challenges is not nearly where it should be. I am of course hoping for a miracle and greater awareness but I am just seeing that. We have gone to therapy since 2018 and we were seeing a sex therapist at some point but she stopped seeing the sex therapist and is seemingly not willing to see the issues in and around sexual engagement and the unreasonable demands on me.
We have taken a break from sexual engagement, I am on the couch. It just became too unhealthy and just the degree of self-awareness is not here. A journey it has indeed been. There is a lot happening at present. I of course want to be there for her, but it is not going to be possible to walk this journey without some awareness and willingness to do the work. Things are simply not sustainable as it currently is. I know she is suffering a lot. Thank you to our members who have contributed their experiences and their own journeys of recovery. It is possible.
I have been in therapy for the last six months and it is helping a lot; self care my friends.
Of course, I do feel guilty in many ways but I will do the best that I can however I alone can not save this situation. It is something I have to remind myself about.
19-05-2021 10:15 AM
@LearningWaters I'm glad you have "taken the plunge" as it were. My friends here at Sane are saving my sanity and, quite possibly, my relationship.
Mr S has a combination of conditions and there are many parallels between BPD and Bipolar... hypersexuality being one of them. His body doesn't always answer to his mental drive which then becomes something I've done wrong.
The demands for sex are beyond; if we are not having sex 7-8 times per week or moving toward such, all hell unfolds and it has become worse. It appears that there is a constant need for attention and validation through sex; which is seemingly never satisfied.
Yep. Although easier for me as the female to fake it, not so easy when his aging body lets him down and it's because of me instead of the fact that his is over 60.
I'm hoping that a stay in hospital will allow the doctors to formall diagnose and begin drug therapy for your wife. You might find she will gain perspective on her behaviour, even if she can't always control her emotional response at the time.
It's a hard journey, riding the roller coaster with a partner who has a mood disorder. There are many here with a similar story and all we can do is pull together in support and provide a listening ear when only a rant will make us feel a bit better.
19-05-2021 11:44 AM
@LearningWatersGood morning LearningWaters I just wanted to welcome you to the forums. I am not good with long posts but will try and read yours gradually over the coming days. Take good care of yourself. greenpeaxx
19-05-2021 03:37 PM
@SJT63 Thank you Mrs. S for giving me some degree of insight into your own journey and the challenges at hand. This life is something else.
Yes, I too hope that there will be some "inner sight" and a willingness to do the therapy and take the meds if required. I know she is against all forms of meds. I am here to work with her, but I am over the firestorm that is not abating. We will have to part ways if changes are not embraced. No one is perfect, but we have to be willing to try and struggle through the challenges at hand.
Thank you for your kind words and support and I too wish you well with your journey with Mr S and I hope that I can lend a hand or ear. This forum is an incredible gem as too the participant here.
19-05-2021 06:41 PM
19-05-2021 08:05 PM
Hi and welcome to the forums @LearningWaters .... 👋
Not BPD here, but so many similar behaviours before he left that a counsellor recommended "Stop Walking On Eggshells" by Paul T. Mason and MS Randi Kreger. It doesn't solve everything but it does help you step outside of the situation a bit and develop coping and management skills.
20-05-2021 06:04 AM
It's not the end of the world to have an inpatient admission @LearningWaters , it may be the circuit breaker that your wife needs for her various health conditions. And a break from the home environment can help, it won't be perfect but I have heard good things about that clinic.
I met someone once whose children had used that clinic and I thought they said they were also linked in with an Addiction Specialist at St Vincent's through advice/contacts there......maybe your wife needs an Addiction Specialist too. Its a bit of a hike getting around Sydney isn't it, the traffic is horrendous in some places, made worse by Covid, but else are ya' gonna do.
It's a slow process but you can improve your health and I have met people that have recovered too, from BPD. The diagnostic labels start to fall away in importance, with each admission and as you get to know your own symptoms intimately it becomes less important. Its a pity her Mum hasn't recevied any treatment, but mental illness does run in families.
You said: ...however I alone can not save this situation.
Of course you can't, you aren't a nurse, and you have your own needs. Above and beyond your wife's mental illness and any health problems you may have yourself, can be relationship problems or incompatabilities too......it's not all about the MI in a marriage.
Good luck on your journey, the system is imperfect but its the only one we have, we all have to focus on the positives and make do with the resources we have been blessed or privilieged to recieve,
20-05-2021 06:21 AM
I am sorry @LearningWaters but I do get a bit feisty about this point......I know you didn't mean to, BUT...
People with mental illness are not pitiful. I repeat, we are not pitiful.
We are STRONG! In fact I am a Warrior Women. It is not easy to still be standing with all the judgement and stigma of a major mental illness, it takes strength.
Dr Kindness says to me, "look at all these people out there with their PhD's who are incapable to feel, incapable of coping with emotion, and then look at you!, you Corny. YOU are the PhD of life.....
"that's exactly right Dr K. I am! I am the PhD of life, I'm not weak I am strong".
So when you go to the office this morning Learning Waters you will spread the word for me how strong people with MI are, and you will not stay in relationships because you feel sorry for us. You will stay because that is where you want to be - or, you leave and she will be OK.