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Something’s not right

saltandpepper
Senior Contributor

Night Time

That scene in Back to the Future 2 where Marty senior is watching TV but he has like 10 different stations playing all at once--that is my brain right now.

 

Don't even know what I'm thinking any more, it's just a static mess. So many thoughts and memories playing all at once it's confusing and frustrating.

 

Keep waking up in the early hours of the night thinking and hoping it's almost time to get up. But it never is. Knowing I'll be whiling away the next few hours like this feels like torture. But then when morning comes it's a battle to get out of bed.

 

I don't like to use the term flashback, I'm not a label person. I always feel like if I use those terms it takes away from others who have more severe problems. I can read about what it is to have a flashback for someone with CPTSD and I can check all the boxes, and inside I guess I know, but I still feel guilt. Like I'm not entitled to those terms. I guess maybe because it was drilled into my head that I was at fault. Maybe that's why I find it hard to use those terms? Because it places blame/responsibility onto someone else? Never even mentioned CPTSD on here before for the above reasons. Only ever been able to refer to my condition as PTSD.

 

I think, yeah, I guess it was flashback kind of material last week. It was very intense. When the physical component of it strikes it makes it so much harder to deal with. I still have this lingering nausea from it. If I even start to think about it my head starts pounding. Intensity of it has eased up greatly now though. Enough that I can start distancing myself from it all. I had absolutely no control over my thoughts or memories when that kicked in. Just kept ticking over, playing through, again and again. But it's confusing. I consciously have been aware of that instance where my mother was belting my brother. It's not a new memory. But after talking to my brother about all that other stuff, when that memory came up for me this time it came with a boat load of intense feelings. Like in my head I was there again. And I felt all the terror, the desperation, the overwhelming sadness, like I was there. Like I was still sitting on my bed and crying my little eyes out. It's up there with one of my most painful memories, but it's not at the top of the list. But I don't think I've ever experienced a flash back quite this intense before. That's also confusing. You'd think the severity of symptoms would directly relate to the severity of the traumatic memory. Perhaps I haven't been able to process the other events as completely as this one. So maybe it's a good thing? Good isn't the right word. Progress? I don't know. Gritting my teeth as I write this. Poor teeth. Woke up because I do this crazy thing with my jaw sometimes and it knocks my teeth together pretty hard. Two chipped teeth and another with a fracture because of it. Still won't go back to the dentist though.

 

Well, that was a long ramble. I feel a little lighter after prattling on though.  Maybe that's what I need to do to get through the nights right now. Rather than tossing and turning for hours, maybe I'll just pour it out here. Maybe will start a new thread for it though. Maybe should just copy and paste this into a new thread now. OK.

1,693 REPLIES 1,693

Re: Night Time

Sorry about your insomnia and flashbacks, @saltandpepper  😞

 

Sending virtual hugs...

Re: Night Time

Whilst I'm hovering around the labels issue..

 

I've said this before how i used to write fiction a lot as a way of coping with trauma. Writing my shit into stories but using fictional characters. Well, a long long time ago, I wrote a story where the main character is being raped. I talked about it with my therapist and the connection between that an incident from my past. He asked if the character in the story was based on me, I said yes. He asked if I would describe what happened to the character in the story as rape, I said yes. He asked if I would describe what happened to me as rape, I said no. I said I didn't want it to happen, and I've been working through the trauma of that event, but I can't call it rape. It wasn't rape. I didn't do enough to stop it. I didn't. That's the truth. I clammed up, switched off, went somewhere else. But I didn't want it. I don't think I'll ever forget the taste he left in my mouth. Like sour dough bread. Don't know why but that's what it reminds me of. Can never eat sour dough bread again.*edit: content removed* Not even sure what triggers that. Just happens sometimes. 

 

Worst part of this one is I was old enough to understand what was going on. Think an unfortunate side effect of earlier assaults left me with this terrible defence mechanism to just freeze. Yeah. I froze. Let him do what he wanted. Didn't fight it. I hate myself for that. What's my excuse? He was older? That's about it.

 

Feel endless waves of shame as I write this. But I'm going to put it out there anyway. I just need to say it. I can't keep it all inside of me any more. Can't even express just how much shame and regret and self hate I have over this one. This is the kind of memory that just makes me want to violently punch myself in the head over and over. This is the kind of memory that leaves me feeling so sick. 

 

I also want to add for anyone reading who has experienced sexual assault or abuse, that this is my account. My view. My opinion. In no way do I mean to take away from anyone else's experience. Just because I can't use the term rape doesn't mean it isn't applicable here or in anyone else's story. Just want to be clear that I don't want or mean to invalidate anyone else's experiences.

 

And yes, I am aware of the paradox in that I'm able to recognise this event as rape when presented in a fictional story.

 

It's hard to post this. Maybe I shouldn't. I'm afraid of being judged. Of being ridiculed. I just don't think I can keep all this to myself any more. Here goes.

Re: Night Time

Cheers @NatureLover much appreciated 

Re: Night Time

You are brave to open up when you found it hard, @saltandpepper . I agree that it's better out than in. 

 

 


@saltandpepper wrote:

Can't even express just how much shame and regret and self hate I have over this one. This is the kind of memory that just makes me want to violently punch myself in the head over and over. This is the kind of memory that leaves me feeling so sick. 


Oh, I am just so sorry that this happened to you, and that you have to suffer ongoing distress for so long afterwards as well 😞

 

 


@saltandpepper wrote:

And yes, I am aware of the paradox in that I'm able to recognise this event as rape when presented in a fictional story.


I am glad that you have the ability to write, to help you work through things. I also use writing, and it helps. 

 

I hope you can be kind to yourself over this memory, @saltandpepper ...like you were that child again, and how would you treat them? With kindness, and gentleness, and care. Wishing all that for you, along with healing. 

Re: Night Time

Thanks for your kind response @NatureLover yeah there were other things that went on when I was a kid, a young kid. But this. I was older. Old enough to know what was happening. Old enough to be able to do something about it. But I didn't. I just froze. It eats me alive. I could have stopped it. Or at least I could have tried. It feels like it was my fault. Like I let it happen. I did let it happen. This is why I want to just clock myself in the head. Weak. Useless. Piece of trash.

Re: Night Time

Sometimes I wish I could go back to before therapy. Before I became painfully aware of how screwed up I am

Re: Night Time

Dear @saltandpepper , you are NOT weak, useless or a piece of trash. You were a CHILD. It is well-known that child victims (and I count a child as being up to age 18) will freeze and then blame themselves. It was definitely not your fault. 

 

I really hope that now you've bravely talked about this here on the forums, that you'll be able to mention it in therapy, and talk through it, and talk through the feelings, for as long as it takes, and get some healing. That is what I did with my childhood trauma (actually the abuse was ongoing all my life), and got a measure of healing, enough to move on with my life. I don't think full healing is possible for deep trauma, but enough not to be tormented by it any more, in the way that you're suffering now. 😞

 

Sending so many good wishes for you, @saltandpepper , and some more virtual hugs.

Re: Night Time

@saltandpepper 

 

 "I didn't do enough to stop it" - Everybody talks about fight or flight, but there is a third F and that is Freeze.  While you are beating yourself up for it, your brain went into survival mode and did the best it could for you in the situation. I don't know how much it will help you but here is a short video about how the logical part of your brain shuts down during trauma. 

 

youtube.com/watch?v=a-ddSEHRWVg

 

As per your process, your writing is helping you to get this information out, but I think you are being harsh on yourself and discounting that your body was just doing its best to survive a traumatic event.  Please be kind to yourself @saltandpepper and thank you for sharing your story for the first time so we can join you on this journey and hopefully, your story can help others to heal as well. 

Re: Night Time

Really sorry to know you've had to combat extensive trauma too @NatureLover I am glad you've been able to find a way to be at peace with it so to speak. Though I'm sure that comes and goes.

 

@AussieRecharger yeah thanks for the clip, I will take a look at it tonight. And yeah, I mean I know freezing is a trauma response. But it doesn't make me feel any better about it. It doesn't feel like justification, it feels like failure. But I do appreciate your support there, and thanks for dropping by.

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