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Something’s not right

Titus
Casual Contributor

New to this just looking for help

Im 34 year old male been married since i was 21 and have 3 boys aged 12, 10 and 8. My life has been a roller coaster i was a drug addict since 16 up till 30 i was what you called functioning addict i have allways worked since i was 15 apart from 3 months as i was getting off the drugs and finely seeking help. I had tried to get help couple times before hand but would get shrugged of as i was married, had house, rental property and a car. As my wife has been with me the whole way she isnt and was never a addict she tried it once or twice when first met but once kids  come along never again. So those 3 months where very hard times ( and next 4 years ) as for the first few weeks i was in bed because thats all i could manage to do. Then came all the counseling and medical appointments. So i have been diagnosed with few things but never really lasting too long on each medication as i hate the numb feeling they give you. So the main reason i writing on this forum as after battling my addiction and back in the workforce i now drink lots i do FIFO work so i dont really drink while im away but when im home its like i cant function without it. Then soon as i get back to work im in work mode. This time back i had a argument with my wife avout the drinking and then realisation kicked in i feel like i have just  woken up at 34 with a family i didn't see grow up either because i was away working or on drugs/alcohol when home i dont remember all the great times i see in the photos and i feel very alone. I feel like i have been non stop creating hurt in the family. My wife is at breaking  point  and my kids are watching there dad slowly drown himself with alcohol. So last night while on night shift as i work alone it all hits me at once but i can handle it not the first time i have felt like this but i wake up today and its still there that feeling would the family be better without me so wrote my letter (suicide letter) this isnt first time i have thought about it i have been hospitalised when i first got of the drugs for trying to commit suicide but this is different that was a spare of the moment decision this has been whole day and more weighing up what would be better for my family or how do i let them know that i love them but this would be best for both parties. Not to mention how did i just miss 34 years of my anyway missed out on the kids growing up and have hurt my wife that much that now she is unhappy.  Is anyone else feeling the same or had same feelings 

7 REPLIES 7

Re: New to this just looking for help

@Titus  Welcome to the forums.

 

I’m sorry you are feeling so very down. I haven’t struggled with the same issues as you, but I have grown up with the abuse of alcohol in family members. It’s certainly not easy,  from both sides of the situation.

 

One thing I feel certain of, is your wife and kids would not be better off without you.

 

Others might have helpful advice to offer. I’m reaching out to say I care, and you matter.

Re: New to this just looking for help

Thank you for your post and letting me know you care. 

0

Re: New to this just looking for help

You are welcome 💙💙

Re: New to this just looking for help

Hi and welcome @Titus . Huge congratulations for getting off the drugs!

 


@Titus wrote:

I feel like i have been non stop creating hurt in the family. 


I definitely think that you will create more hurt if you remove yourself through suicide - that leaves massive lasting damage and devastation. It would definitely not be better for both parties if you killed yourself.

 

My feelings are that you can still see your kids grow up - they are still young. 

 

You can also get help for your alcohol addiction and depression. I think depression is what's telling you the lie that your family would be better off without you. I'm wondering if being on medication and feeling numb would be better than feeling suicidal? 

 

Wishing you all the best as you go through this awful feeling...

Re: New to this just looking for help

Hello @Titus 

I hope you feel better today. 

Part of what you were doing is providing a home and car and stable life for your kids.   That has huge kudos to it.  Believe me, I had to survive without it, though my dad tried to his dying day.  Many men mature emotionally later.  It really is better late than never tho.Smiley Happy

Not sure what to do about marriage.  Mine did not survive, but we all survived as individuals and that is something in itself.

Taking Care of YOU, will help you relate to your kids, now or soon.

 

Re: New to this just looking for help

Thank you for your message.

Re: New to this just looking for help

Thank you for your message.
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