Lived Experience Forum

[Jynx]

I am signing off the evening @Bow  but another moderator will be along soon, you can always tag em if you need by typing @Former-Member.

You got this, I believe in you 💜

[Bow]

Is there anyone around? @Former-Member ?

[Bookworm]

Hi Bow,

I'll be passing it to the next moderator soon, but we're here.

Kind regards,

Bookworm

[Bow]

No responses necessary please. Just needing to vent tonight. I feel like I am hanging by a thread. I have felt so unwell today, worrying things happening and I know it’s cause of what I am doing to my body, frustrated that I can even share my story, my truths about what it is that I am experiencing. But that is not why I am here. that is not why I am annoyed and upset tonight. 
i have pushed myself to the point of absolute exhaustion this weekend. On top of my already excessive exercise that I have done, I did the front and back lawns, we are located on a corner block, so it’s no tiny yard. It’s my responsibility to do, no one else in the house is fit and able to do it. And because perfectionism plays into my mh conditions, of course they had to be done properly, all the edges etc. 

i struggle to understand how my folks can miss the fact that I struggle so much with my ED. Yet I was given zero support over the weekend. No offers of drinks. Nothing. Then I have to do the usual Sunday night stuff, rubbish and bins out, fix the cat litter, cook dinner, all while everyone else sits around in front of the fans with their feet up. 
I’m angry. I’m fed up. I’m sick of feeling the way that I am. 

my daughter has pushed all my buttons this weekend too. I know that my body is struggling. But I can’t change anything. I can’t stop what I am doing to my body. 

in my desperation this afternoon I reached out to the butterfly foundation. I actually called them and managed to get through on the phone- I’ve never been able to before. I was laying on my bed feeling tired and unwell. But then I froze up. I knew that if I told the lady on the phone what I was feeling and what has been happening she would insist that I seek medical attention. I don’t want that.

I’m getting my bloods done in the morning. then I have an appointment with the psychiatrist at community mh. Tuesday morning I have a zoom appointment with my ED psychiatrist and then an appointment with my psychologist. 

but what for???? I see no light at the end of this long dark and horrible tunnel. I feel so alone. So very trapped. I don’t see a way out of this mess that I have created. My ED wants to destroy me and I just want to let it win. 

[Bow]

Hate having to start all over again with a new psychiatrist.  When I started seeing my psychologist at community mh last year I started seeing a psychiatrist from that team. But then I was allocated a case manager so they transferred me to a psychiatrist from that team. Today was my first appointment with her and my case manager and a student (which I wasn’t too keen about being there) also sat in with me for the appointment. So I had to start all over again. I had to answer the million questions. She asked more questions about my trauma. Some questions that I haven’t been asked before. Had to fight with everything in me to stay present in that room. 

she adjusted one of my meds to help with some of my trauma symptoms and is concerned about my medical stability. I had bloods done this morning so will see what they say. 

my daughter and I are going away tomorrow for a couple of days. She is so excited. I am anxious about being away from home and my routine and hope that I don’t ruin our holiday for her. 

We were going to leave after my psychologist appointment tomorrow but that has been cancelled. My psych has covid. Worst possible timing. Next Monday is 1 year. My trauma symptoms are increasing and really needed that appointment tomorrow… and next week will possible be cancelled too 😩

[flybluebird]

Couldn’t have been easy for you with that today @Bow I hope that the transfer of care might provide support in the long run & trust + rapport can be build together.

Can you contact another service you connect in with - in replace of your psychologist apt tomorrow?

So you can feel more supported with your holiday with your daughter?

[Shaz51]

Ohh hugs my friend @Bow ❤❤❤❤

[Bow]

Thanks @flybluebird @Shaz51  and I see you too @Emelia8 @Former-Member 

@flybluebird tomorrow morning I have a zoom appointment first thing with my eating disorder psychiatrist. I’m not sure I will touch on the trauma stuff, I mainly talk with her about my ED, although she knows about the other stuff too. I will see my case manager on Friday, and may talk with her about it. Maybe going in and seeing her next Monday maybe an option if my psychologist isn’t going to be back. I know that I can also touch base with the SANE help centre too. So although ideally seeing m7 psychologist would be best, I have some back ups maybe. 

We have been busy packing this afternoon. I have half been expecting my phone to ring, with my gp calling about my blood results. While a small part of me wants my bloods to be bad so that I can get some help and nourishment into me cause I hate feeling the way that I do, I don’t want to ruin this holiday. My daughter is so excited. The time away together will be nice. 

[flybluebird]

I hope it went well this morning @Bow & you get to enjoy some of time being on holiday with your daughter.

[Bow]

Hi @flybluebird 

this mornings appointment went ok. And we got on the road and half way to where we were going and my gp called to let me know that my bloods weren’t great. She was a bit concerned about me being away, but has sent through a script for a suppliment and will need to get bloods redone on Friday when I get home. 
hopefully can enjoy the time away without this hanging over my head.