Lived Experience Forum

[funkyzoom]

I'm a 31 year old male, living alone with no friends or family in Australia (except for a couple of distant cousins, with whom I am not close).

I was diagnosed with BPD, hyperanxiety and depression at age 13, and life has been a see-saw ever since. I feel like I am now at the tipping point. A terribly stressful job which is making my mental health worse (I am holding on to it because I need it to pay my bills), a constant feeling of loneliness (since I hardly have people around here to interact with), always feeling inferior to the rest of the human race and an overall miserable air around me.

The worst part is, as a man, I am not allowed to express myself in the society, since men are 'supposed' to be strong rocks with no emotions or issues. I don't know if I can ever feel like I belong among humans. I feel like an alien and an outcast.

I have been having monthly sessions with a therapist, although I am off meds for a few years. Meds haven't really helped me much, and I have read that meds often don't help with personality disorders anyway.

I have pretty much resigned myself to a life of solitude, because I feel no one understands me. Even if I show the remotest of emotions, I am labeled 'attention seeking', 'self pitying', and a host of similar phrases.

Does it ever get better? Is a person with BPD, especially a man, doomed to struggle and suffer throughout life? I can't take it anymore. Surviving even for a day is a struggle now. When I wake up in the morning, my only goal is to survive the day, to be able to cosy up in my bed at night again.

I want to take my own life, but I am scared to do that too because I have a very low pain tolerance, and no mode of death is pain-free.

I am sorry if this makes so sense, but I am just letting out a desperate cry for help.

[funkyzoom]

I am just looking for a flicker of hope to hold on to, in this wretched life. Any BPD survivors here, or those going through similar issues?

[Amour_Et_Psyché]

Hi @funkyzoom!

Thank you for your courage to share some of the terrible experiences you have gone and are going through at the moment. It takes so much bravery to share such vulnerable and real struggles with BPD, isolation and loneliness, and a stressful job you feel forced to hold on to; this arguably requiring even more bravery when coming form a male's perspective, due to societal pressure and expectations placed upon men. I'm sorry that you have struggled with BPD, hyper-anxiety and depression since 13 years old - I can imagine it has felt like a long battle for you since then. I am also sorry that things are at a tipping point for you at the moment, and that surviving each day alone is a struggle for you. It is understandable, when feeling this way, that you are desperately reaching out for help - I'm sure many in your position would want to!

I am concerned for you, since you said you want to take your own life; despite feeling scared to do so due to low pain tolerance. If you ever feel that the part of you that wants to take your own life is becoming stronger than the part of you that resists to do so, please reach out to emergency services - I have listed some of these services directly below. Such services may be able to link you in with the relevant supports - both long-term and short-term - whilst helping you plan how to keep you safe in the interim.

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat
Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling
Samaritans: 135 247
If in immediate danger: 000

You also asked if there are any other survivors out there who have gone through similar struggles. There definitely are! Many people on the forums have shared their stories and struggles with BPD - even from the male perspective! Thus, you may be interested to check out such related threads: "Topic Tuesday - Living with BPD - your questions answered"; "HELP BPD" by @Aussiej; "BPD - let's stop the stigma" by @BPDBunny; and "Topic Tuesday - BPD: Debunking the myths."

Again, thank you so much for sharing!  Please take care of yourself and continue to reach out on the forums if you need!

Kindest Regards,

Amour_Et_Psyché

[funkyzoom]

@Amour_Et_Psyché

Thank you so much for responding.

I do not want to die, because I am a fighter. But I am getting tired of fighting, when I am not getting results and I continue to be miserable almost throughout the day. Thank you for those numbers, I'll make note of them.

I will also go through those posts you mentioned. I am really not hoeful at this point, especilaly since I need to fight my battles alone. I just wish there were people I could talk to, but no one gets me. They all just judge me because my illness is not visible on the outside to them.

[Jojo2]

hi @funkyzoom

im hearing you. 

as im a woman with BPD,C-PTSD, MDD, anxiety,..... i do some what understand what you are going through but not as a man. 

im sorry that you are feeling this way and do hope you find the right help.

i do understand that people say that men are meant to handle things, not meant to cry, meant to BE A MAN. and its not nice to be told or hear these things as there not true. 

men can cry and break down. they are alowed to. they have the right to just as much as a woman. 

i even have it with my hubby..... i tell him he can cry if he is upset not that he has MH issues. but you are alowed to. you can break down. let it out and cry. 

woman are no different to men. please remember that. 

i have been to groups where there are men and they have told me because they have BPD, they feel left out and being judged. but its not ture. we are all the same. we all have the same problem or MH issues. 

sorry if i went on. i hope it helped a little

thinking of you

[funkyzoom]

@Jojo2

Thank you for the response.

I think my words were a bit ambiguous. I never meant to say that the suffering from BPD is different for men and women, or that men suffer more. It is just that women get support from their close ones when they go through these issues, whereas we men are mostly told to 'man up and deal with it'.

I am glad you do not judge men who suffer from these issues.

Setting that aside, I just don't know where to go from here. All doors seem to be closed on me. Maybe I need to get back on meds. Will be consulting a psychiatrist shortly.

[ptsd40]

Nice to meet you. Have you looked at the Australian BPD Foundation page?  It may be possible to find a support group around where you live.  My husband lives with Aspergers and he really feels the struggle of being misunderstood, and yet through my PTSD, Depression and Anxiety he has been my best support.  I have found it difficult to talk to anyone who does not understand what I am going through and it sounds like this is the same for you.  I think this forum is a great first step to not feeling alone anymore. To not feeling judged or indeed in any way different from anyone else.  With time and education, the rest of the people whose lived experience is not the same as ours - maybe they will learn and realise we are all in this together. 

[funkyzoom]

@ptsd40

Thank you for suggesting the Australian BPD foundation. I'll will certainly look into it.

A support group will certainly help me at this time. I have now realised that the so-called 'normal' people will never understand me, so I need shut people off and only interact with those who have similar issues as me, since only they will know how hard it is to live through this.

[ptsd40]

Hi @funkyzoom I hope you are well. Your BPD is a part of you.  I know sometimes it is easy to forget that we are people first and living with a mental health concern is just a part of us, same as having blue, brown or hazel eyes is a part of us.  Hope you have found a support group through the BPD foundation.  Stay strong 🙂