Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Shrimp]

Thanks so much for your reply, @Former-Member. Yes, living amongst it is difficult!! But I think the mother-daughter dynamic that you’re talking of is a particularly difficult and painful one and my heart goes out to you. I’m sure you know the expression that it’s the illness, not the person - sometimes that helps me to step back a little. My family is so unhealthily intertwined, like a group of drunks all holding each other up, and if you could get one on their own feet for a second the others would collapse. My dad too will rush in to ‘defend’ if the status quo is questioned, right or wrong. My husband (ex but best friend) said yesterday that my sister’s mental health problems have rubbed off on both my parents and he can see that my mum doesn’t know how to be my mum any more (I was complaining that mum has odd turns of phrase that negate me somehow - dad does too but we all put that down to stupid misogyny that he of all people should recognise but doesn’t, and at least we can have a wry - shared - laugh about that). I can hear myself here already, trying to fix intractable problems, and suffering a kind of personal annihilation in the process. I do have a plan of sorts, I’m hoping that through the aged care support process some external services will be able to do what none of us are able to, and bring up the subject of moving out with my sister. Then her anger can be directed at strangers but the hard nut will have been cracked open. I have contacted a friend of a friend who is getting back to me with good contacts, as we all know that connecting with the ‘right’ organisation means nothing if you get the ‘wrong’ person on the other end on the line. What I have written here barely scatches the surface, but I think you will know that. OCPD - which I’m convinced it is - seems to create extraordinary defensive structures that involve anyone who cares and just get bigger and bigger (and I’m not talking about the hoarded junk here!!). It’s so complex and very few people can comprehend it (lucky them). Thank you for your time and understanding. I wish you all the best with your journey too. 

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[Former-Member]

That's actually a great reminder, thanks @Shrimp , about "the illness not the person". I might have to tattoo that on to my wrist! lol 

I hear what you're saying about potentially having a third party raise issues that are too challenging to raise within the family. Definitely needs to be the right person, for sure. Things seem to be pretty tough amongst the community aged care providers, from what I've seen. I think COVID has had a knock on effect that created a lot of staffing turmoil (they rely on a lot of people on visas), so many staff are under the hammer. Great that you know someone who might be able to give you some inside tips though. I'm kind of hoping to get our friendly GP on side to perhaps have a "wellness" chat with Mum, but I'm really worried that somehow Mum will know I've tipped the doctor off. Oh well, I'll at least keep that one up my sleeve. 

On a positive note, I'm succeeding with a small anti-hoarding strategy at the moment. I've reminded Mum & Dad that I pass an op shop on my way home from their place so can drop a box off for them whenever they like. The day or so before I visit, I drop into conversation that I'm happy to collect a box from them when I'm there, so that seems to prompt them into action. Shifted a suitcase full of I-don't-know-what today. 👍😁 No doubt they'll now have a space for more acquisitions. haha

Dads and their mysogyny hey? Both my parents make terribly racist comments without understanding that they're being racist. As you say, being able to debrief and have a laugh with others in the family takes the sting out of it all.

"Scratching the surface" is SO true!! There are just no words to explain it all - the dysfunctional behaviour, self-sabotaging perfectionism, rigidity, judgmentalism about anyone who's in any way different to her, the moods, and on and on. But, well, you know...she's my Mum ad she's getting old, so I'm sad for her and I forgive her everything. (palm meets face)