Lived Experience Forum

[Livingforme]

Hello guys, 

I'm new but have a bpd diagnosis and I would say that I struggle with all aspects of bpd. This of course means that my relationships with people are often rocky. I often start these thought pattern spirals when feeling under appreciated or not validated. Usually this ends up causing a whole lot of pain to myself and even other people. I may even accuse them of things that may not even exist (not caring about me, intentionally trying to do something to me etc). I have an extremely hard time trusting. Even though they say they have not done or meant something I cannot believe it. I want to, I really do. It's just terrifying that I may be building a relationship with someone that isn't safe and might be mistreating me. (I do say I believe them, so that no one thinks I'm a bad friend but I find trust very hard) I made this mistake so so many times. I really don't want to do it again, I'm scared of the big emotions that I have when people aren't good to me or I'm not good to them. It pushes everyone away from eventually. 

So after explaining a little bit why I'm struggling I have to say that I was feeling hurt by my favourite person. (I didn't know this was my favourite person until after we first started fighting because it hurts so so much it's unbearable.) He is my best friend and he is lovely, I am constantly negative and he sometimes listens and sometimes brings me to facts about how they can be good. This is a brilliant friend for me. So I feel very lost without him. I told him I felt under appreciated because he was supposed to stay the night but chose to do something else, rather than saying "I'm busy next time" it felt like he was trying to make excuses that he would still be coming and I knew that this wouldn't be happening. I was mad about the excuses. I'm always so raw and honest with him I thought he could be the same. I thought he could tell me "not today" easily. But now I look back on it I don't even know if he lied. I think I blew it all out of proportion. I'm feeling so much shame and guilt, I feel lost and sick. I lose a lot of people. But this person seemed to understand me well. I considered him family. Like an unconditional type of love which I thought would be reciprocated but I just feel like there's only so much of me he can handle. I don't know what to do honestly. I apologised once and left it to be responded to. He hasn't responded and I don't know if he will. 

I don't know if I want him to. I don't know if I can handle falling apart over other people anymore. I just would rather be safe. But that's lonely. And who knows what if I replaced him and did the same thing again.

I guess I'm asking how to repair this or if it's time to let it go and if so how do I not just pick up someone in the same way, how do I choose myself to love for instead? 

[Zoe7]

Hi @Livingforme and welcome to the forums 

I personally do not have a lot of experience with BPD so can only offer my own expThe first thing I would say is - give it time. Not everyone runs on our own timeline. Often the things we feel that should happen immediately are not priorities for whatever reason for the other person. Everyone has their own life to deal with and we never really know exactly what is going on for them. This does not make it easier for you at present but if this relationship with your friend is as strong as you thought it was then they will come around when they are able to. It may very well be that he needs a break - and that is not a bad thing for either of you. It can be exhausting supporting someone else - and that is not a direct reflection on you - we all need space, time out and self care at times from the world around us. Do not rwrite this person off just yet - you have apologised and he may be processing that. 

[BPDSurvivor]

Awww @Livingforme ,

I can absolutely relate. As 'recovered' as I am from BPD, I still struggle immensely with trust and relationships.

Exactly how you described, I accused people of things that didn't even exist. It was horrible. Having been through intensive therapy, I no longer struggle with this. Therapy taught me to think in different ways. Taught me to mentalise.

As for relationships, I've learnt to set boundaries, especially to those closest to me. I used to cross and merge boundaries when it came to my 'favourite' person. This became a highly detrimental relationship. Both parties were constantly stressed and hurt.

Boundaries are key to any healthy relationship. These boundaries may not make you necessarily 'happy', but they will keep both parties safe. It's better than losing your fav person.

Hope that makes a little sense.

If you feel able, you are welcome to join us here Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script 

I encourage you to continue reaching out so that you don't feel you are alone in your BPD journey. I've been on this journey - it has been an amazing one, full of ups and downs but highly rewarding.

BPDSurvivor