29-03-2020 05:11 PM
I am glad I was able to make you smile.
Trying and failing just to keep myself going and not lose it today. Like you missing people that should have been there in my life but have chosen not to be.
29-03-2020 07:20 PM
Yes, have been trying really hard, and a lot of things, and just feel like I am out of fuel. Don't know what else to try any more. Isolation or stepping away from things for a while doesn't refill the fuel tank any more either. I've tried calling things like beyondblue and lifeline in the past. Both several times. But didn't find them very helpful.
29-03-2020 07:26 PM
Yes, I don't expect any one to call or text or anything. Family won't, I know that. No friends, so .. yeah. I guess it feels like it is expected that I would be OK with all this, but, I am finding it much more difficult. Even trying to reach out online, I am just finding, well, even less than usual. And I never find anyone to talk with any way, at the best of times.
29-03-2020 07:31 PM
At the moment, not doing so good. The loneliness is turning the thoughts in to screams.
30-03-2020 06:51 PM
Hey there @JosRapp very powerful words. I will say for sure that I understand the strong surge of loneliness, but want you to know that you are not alone here. We can't all see each other, but we're all connected in these forums, and we all value you very much. Through this recovery journey you're amongst friends, we're all in this with you
31-03-2020 02:12 PM
Hey @JosRapp , something is weird is happening because I didn't get any notification that you replied to me. I was just popping in here to check in with you as I haven't heard from you in a bit and found this post. So sorry.
How are you today my friend
31-03-2020 07:51 PM
Not doing very good really. Trying to keep the thoughts away, but, it is getting increasingly harder to. Have been going for walks, but even that is only really increasing the loneliness.
It is difficult to explain sometimes. There always seems to be an assumption that just being around people, or a phone call or something, makes it better. But it never has. I can go out, and be around people (when we were allowed to), but .. well, there is no connection with anyone. Very few groups in my area that I haven't already tried, mostly several times over. It is the actual meeting people .. even finding people to meet .. that I have a problem with, and have asked for help with, but, nobody will. Not even therapy helps. And now of course, it just all feels like it will never happen.
Hope you are doing ok though.
31-03-2020 09:42 PM
Hey @JosRapp, my favourite that I get from family "aren't you over that yet" I stopped talking to them about my MH long ago, but the shallow small talk irritates the hell out of me. I don't know where to start looking for support groups and others to talk too. I will be forever great to my counsellor for telling me about Sane.
Everyone is complaining about having to isolate because of this virus but they have no idea how true isolation feels.
Just know that you are not alone, not sure how much help I will be but I can listen well. I am not having a very good day but I have had worse
Hope you can get some rest tonight.
02-04-2020 10:10 AM
I wish I could get some rest, but, sleep patterns are out the window. Not that they are very good at the best of times any way. 2 hours of very interrupted 'sleep' is all.
Yes. Shallow small talk irritates me too. Not that it happens very often. If I try to initiate it, I just get glared at. Or ignored. Family have never cared, let alone understood, so I have long stopped trying to explain to them. Have never had friends, and no partner, so ... yeah ... really, the only person I talk with, face to face, is the doctor, and that is only like once every three months or so. Doctors, therapists, ect ect, are the only people I have ever really had to talk with, and none of them ever lasts very long. Even there, I don't think they really understand. Can try to explain that it is actually meeting people that I have difficulty with, and all the role playing to know what to say doesn't really matter when you don't get the chance to actually do any of it. It doesn't happen when I least expect it, or don't look for it ... quite the opposite. Or, it is as it a,ways is really, I guess. I just seem to be invisible.
Some people say to get a pet. But, I have had pets. Many pets. And they don't help the loneliness. They aren't a connection with another person. Same as when it is suggested to go and get a massage to ease the touch deprivation. But I know that they would only be touching me because they were being paid to. And that is how I have always been told that is the only way anyone will touch me. Even my family used to joke about that. How I feel has never been an interest or concern for anyone.
That's the other I notice really, is that because I have been lonely and isolated for most .. well, all of my life really .. it seems to be assumed that I am 'strong' and can get through another day alone. Another week. Another month. Another year. Another decade.
Like I said, I just seem to be invisible. Never really seen. Or noticed. Definitely never cared about. Get told to call beyondblue or lifeline, but, a voice on the phone doesn't help at all. And in the end, therapists just end up saying that they don't know what to do to help.
Sorry. I have rambled too much. Hope your day is better today.
04-04-2020 10:24 PM
Oh my gosh I am so sorry @JosRapp , I didn't get a notification about your reply.
That is not much sleep at all and I thought getting only 3/4 hours a night was bad. Have you got anything (meds) that can help with that? It's amazing that the people that aren't meant to love us can be so incredibly cold, lack so much empathy. I am sorry they have been horrible to you.
I have two pets, and they both prefer my daughters so I got rejected by animals 😞 but anyway your right, they can't replace the human connection.
Again I am sorry I get reply before now. 💖
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