Lived Experience Forum

[Lilian2015]

Firstly, heads up and apologies in advance, I’m in a really negative headspace at the moment. 

I am in DBT and other therapy for BPD, I feel like DBT in particular is leaving me feeling ripped apart from the inside out. 

I sit there and logically understand it all, see how I’ve often done and been how DBT tells me to be. I’ve been compassionate, understanding and forgiving. I’ve also been a dismissive jerk protecting myself. I feel as though regardless what I do, I end up in a crisis, loosing my confidence, relationships and the positive headspace I’ve worked my ass off to get. 

To me, DBT actually reinforces negative beliefs and validates the ‘I’m bad’, ‘I’m wrong’ feelings I have about myself. I feel like I need to give up any desires, self respect, dreams, goals, personality, etc to live a ‘meaningful life’. I am giving it my all yet I am feeling worse and worse. 

I build myself up ever so slightly before group, head into group, fall apart and then spent almost the rest of week in an absolute state. 

I feel utterly miserable, helpless and so angry right now. 

Has anyone else been through this? If so, how did you manage it/ change it?

thank you 

[flybluebird]

Hi @Lilian2015 

Thanks for opening up here on the forums about your personal experience with DBT as it’s perfectly valid to hear how it is for you.

What I know of DBT is normally done in groups with support of a specific DBT therapist in between sessions over a period of months, some even a year. I can’t speak to it much from as much my own experience as I haven’t participated in that style myself. But I have spoken to others who have done it.

I’m curious whether the sessions you attend allow for unpacking of what you’re telling us here? If it’s a space you can talk more about what it’s bringing up & for support specifically around it?

One person I know shared to me (and I have their permission to share with others when it’s relevant) that they had done DBT groups multiple times and for whatever reason, it wasn’t until their most recent participation that things started to all come together for them. They said that it hadn’t been a waste doing it previously but that perhaps timing / facilitation / information all came together for them.

If that is useful, great, if it isn’t please just let it float on by like a cloud… 

The forums community would be great to hear those who have had experience with DBT?
I’m just tagging a couple of members who might be able to shed more light on this if at all or when they are around. @Zoe7 @Snowie @Sans911 

Flybluebird 

[Lilian2015]

Thank you for your message @flybluebird I appreciate what you wrote and sharing the experience of the person you knew. 

I currently attend weekly group sessions and see a therapist separately, I believe we do psychotherapy - not 100% sure.

In terms of expressing how we feel, I did in the last session and have many times. The facilitators are all nice, yet, the general feeling I get is that I just need to change to ‘DBT’ thinking and manage my anxiety. All well and good yet, I find this extremely difficult when I often feel as though there is hypocrisy in how we are to perceive others and their intentions vs ours. How we need to tolerate bs thrown our way, yet, be considerate of others when we speak. We need to not let our emotions overwhelm us, yet we can’t avoid them? I know I’m probably extreme in my thinking (very black and white) which yes, it is detrimental yet, it’s also something I do to protect myself and to avoid being treated poorly/hurt continuously. 

I think for me what I’m finding the most difficult is that I’m truly seeing how I’ve been in a negative headspace before (much like I am now) and been in a positive headspace previously yet, neither resulted in positive outcomes. It’s like I’m scared to hope again because no matter what, I’m never good enough. 

I can speak about it in group, I just don’t want to take over group with my emotions as some people find it helpful and I am aware that the negatively can spread - something I don’t want to happen. If people are having good experiences and it’s improving their life, I don’t want to bring them down. There’s also a fear of conflict and some shame sprinkled in there too. 

I keep hoping that one day, my heart will lighten and that DBT will somehow fall into place. Yet, the more I engage in it, the more that feels like it’s further and further away. 

I am almost tempted to throw it all away, it’s been almost 12 months of treatment and I don’t feel better. As dysfunctional as it is, switching off and having zero expectations in life seems like a safer option. 

I don’t want to quit because DBT is what I’m supposed to do, it’s what’s supposed to help me, make me feel better. I’m just painfully aware that it’s not really doing that currently and whilst this is a major part of my life at the moment, I’ve also got other responsibilities I need to maintain. Something that’s becoming more and more difficult. 

[wellwellwellnez]

I'm so glad you're documenting this. Since you announced the new therapy I've been watching with baited breath.

[Appleblossom]

@Lilian2015 

I have not had any experience personally of DBT.  I decided it was too expensive for me, and that I had spent enough money on therapy in the 30 years before ... so saving spare money for ... a life ... ha ha .. an ice cream and good quality food is about it. never mind.  I did have an experience of a person starting DBT who used it to do a royal discard of me as she had her own coach and all that and said the most outrageous and uncom passionate things .... so I dont know what to think about it ... except it is generating a lot of interest ... but it sounds like for you its almost a bit like being in a cult ... where everyone has to think and be the same ... I dunno ... just my thoughts off the top of my head.

Sometimes we need to silence our doubts and not let them take over, sometimes it is the small voice inside that we do need take heed of .... telling the 2 apart seems a life's work ...

[tyme]

Hey @Lilian2015 ,

I've had therapy for BPD. I also had individual and group sessions - 2 years of it actually. 

Did I 'enjoy' it at the time? - NO!

DId I feel 'ripped apart' after sessions? - YES!

Did I persist? YES

Did it ultimately make a difference? VERY BIG YES!

Group sessions were intense. It brought up tears, rage, hatred, jealously, frustration - the whole bang lot.

That was where individual therapy came in. I brought up what happened in group during my individual sessions, and this is where we could break it down further. 

In terms of therapy, the real bulk of the results was actually AFTER the completion of the entire therapy. I was 'thrown' into the world to practise the skills I had learnt from therapy.

@Lilian2015 , however, this is my experience. Yours may be different. But I wanted to share that for me, it got harder before it got easier.

tyme

[Lilian2015]

@tyme  thanks so much for your response, I really appreciate it. 

Although I don’t want anyone else to struggle, I’m glad to know that it felt this way for someone else too. Thank you for sharing your experience and story. It makes me feel less alone and provides me with hope. I really hope that one day I can do the same for someone else. The idea of that alone, fills my heart with so much joy.

I guess over the last few years I really dismissed and denied a lot of my emotions until they boiled over and I couldn’t take it anymore. Therefore, the rage, anger, frustration, sadness, shame it all brings up has been a lot to sit in. Sometimes, I feel like it’s a bursting tap that I can’t seem to turn off. Drowning myself and leaving a path of destruction in its wake. 

I call the Sane helpline A LOT! Im really grateful to have help with navigating the storm I am currently in. My aim is to try to reconnect to a lot of the helpful strategies I had built in the past. Some were very similar to DBT and some were purely aligned with my values and weren’t dependent on outcomes and/or responses from others. I really want to be ok with doing that, regardless if it’s ‘DBT’ or not. 

My individual therapy is not affiliated with my DBT therapy at all and I guess I am fearful to utilise that time discussing DBT rather than my own individual life. That being said, the triggers in DBT probably link to my life in someway. 

I’ve been told that my therapy timeline is approximately 2 years and I’m half way in. I was hoping to be feeling like I was making some headway in building the life I want and getting back my confidence which has really taken a hit over the last few years.

I’ve got an appointment with my psychiatrist this week, I plan on being open and honest with him about my feelings around DBT, as afraid as I am to.

thanks again, I really appreciate it. 

Today has been one of the darkest days, I am off to bed now- feeling a hell of a lot better. To everyone who has commented here, please know that your kindness and support means so much to me. 

[Lilian2015]

Thanks @Appleblossom 

hahaha! I love good food and ice cream too. I hear you about the cost of treatment, the financial burden over the last few years has really taken a toll. A few years ago, I was spending a bit of money on therapy yet I was also spending money on me, saving (albeit terribly), travelling, etc. Those days feel like a distant memory and I’m really feeling the pressure and fear surrounding finances now. It absolutely sucks to be going through intense struggles and having to worry about money too. Even worse, some people can’t ever access treatment and my gosh! That really irks me. 

To be honest, I can’t wait until I feel stronger so I can take on the health system and advocate for affordable, equal health care for complex mental health issues. 10 sessions a year are not enough to treat and manage such complex issues. I very much appreciate the work Grace Tame has been doing and I hope that the perceptions and treatment of those with such struggles is treated with more care, compassion, support, etc. Hopefully some public awareness surrounding complex mental health issues aids in improving access to services. 

I am really sorry to hear about your friend, I can really relate to being on both sides of the situation. Feeling cut off and discarded hurts like hell, particularly if you’re never given a chance or your not treated as an equal priority in a dynamic. Feeling like a relationship is difficult and challenging is a tough one too. I very much struggle with societies ‘put yourself first’ attitude. Self care is super important yet to me, it’s a fine line between managing care for yourself and others/ caring about yourself more than others and vice versa. Yet, being vulnerable and trying to address issues and it not turning out well is difficult too. Relationships are so hard!

I’m often reminded when I struggle with being abandoned too that those people are probably not people I want or need in my life. It hurts to hear as I wonder if these struggles didn’t exist would it still have resulted in the same outcome? Who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️ As hard as it is and as much as I’m sure it hurts, I hope you can remind yourself of that too. 

Lastly, what’s doubt/anxiety/paranoia/fear and what is a signal/red flag/danger?  What a big one and something I struggle and have struggled with immensely in the past with. I’ve gotten it right so many times, gotten it wrong so many times and also, pushed it away out of fear too. I’m really trying these days to focus on the early signals my body gives off. That’s helping me have some control of it, understand myself more and really be aware of my triggers and if I’m honest, how hyper vigilant I can be once something is set off. 

[Appleblossom]

@Lilian2015 

Thank you for your beautiful thoughtful post.  I also struggled with writing a reply to your opening that maybe was not ... focussed on being 'the right' thing to say ... but just my basic reactions and thoughts, including the end of that friendship. I wondered if I should have deleted it as it was too much about me, then I saw your support and tag, so I really appreciate it.  Yes, you are right about people coming and going from our lives.  I have a lot to learn about friendship, probably been too needy to be good at it .... a work in progress.

I did want to give you some sense of personal validation, that maybe DBT was not the 'be all, end all', because your ambivalent feelings about DBT were serious enough to want to post here about it.  

[EternalFlower]

Hi ! I'm pretty new so please sorry in advance if I'm writing in wrong place, just wanted to validate u...I have tried a lot of therapies and find it hard to stick with any, I get idea,optically stressed at times with things I feel retraumatise me...Ipit can be infuriating, my worst fear is not improving after investing so much time....

I also relate when u say u feel like there's limited time in Ur own therapy to discuss how the DBT is progressing, I push stuff aside as well, because therapy is limited in time.

Thanks for sharing here,  Ur not alone and I hear u.