Lived Experience Forum

[exhausted1994]

Hi all.

I'm 27 years old, with a diagnosis of dysthymia and I am an addict in recovery (two years clean).

I am struggling today more than other days, however most days are a struggle generally. I am pretty overwhelmed with uni stuff, and my relationship has been stressing me out as well. My partner is usually pretty good with every aspect of our relationship, however he has always fallen a little short in the attentiveness department and I resent him for it. I am down a lot, and constantly feel like a burden or need reassurance which I know must get pretty old for him. I try to be really open with how I feel all the time so that he might have a bit of insight (he seems to be a little bit ASD...) however he just kind of shrugs and goes back to what he was doing these days. I feel unsupported, unloved and a burden all the time. I work really hard to ensure I am doing everything I can to meet his needs - running the household, cooking, cleaning, caring for the animals, and when I explain that I feel unsupported I am met with comments about how he did 'this many chores' today (because I asked him to).

I have also had some issues with my mother, she appears to have some rather..... Narcissistic... Traits that come out when she is feeling slighted or I show any sign of being down or struggling. Growing up in this household meant that my emotional regulation is terrible, and I constantly subject myself to her outbursts and whims because I have the constant urge to feel love and wantedness.

I also have my history of addiction, which has led to many issues including very addict behaviours (ovewhelming myself, overeating, oversharing, neediness) and also flashbacks and late processing of traumatic events that happened while I was using drugs and alcohol. 

I tend to go through cycles where for a while I will feel relatively normal and be able to function as a member of society, and then I become reclusive, isolated, angry and anxious and don't leave the house, often at the detriment of both my work and my studies. The cycle feels exhausting, and I'm sure my partner suffers as a result of my mood swings and behaviours.

I have been working with a new psychologist lately, we have been looking at some of m negative behaviours, finding the root cause and working through them so that maybe one day I can operate like a normal person instead of a traumatised one. Until then, I have no idea how I am going to maintain a network of people who support me because I consider myself to be so insufferable that I don't know how anybody sticks around. In particular, those closest to me are the ones I feel most emotional about and towards, and I am most likely to turn on when I am feeling negative or unsure about life. 

I feel marginally better after writing this post. I never feel as though I can get all my feelings and emotions out to people as I struggle to voice things out loud. I crave some kind of magical diagnosis that will make it easier to fix all these things that are wrong with me, or the power to see myself through outside eyes without becoming defensive, but my power struggle within myself is unbearable and the thought of being weak to other people controls my life. 

Thanks guys for reading, and I forgive you if you dont have time to read this.

Exhausted.

[Gwynn]

Hi, @exhausted1994 !  When you say: "I work really hard to ensure I am doing everything I can to meet his needs - running the household, cooking, cleaning, caring for the animals, and when I explain that I feel unsupported I am met with comments about how he did 'this many chores' today (because I asked him to)." you need to watch out that this does not become another source of resentment in the relationship - at the moment it's like you're trying to buy his love with acts of service, when you are worthy of love right now as you are.  I would recommend talking this issue through with your psych and seeing if they can give you strategies so that you end up with a more equal load of the household work. 

Welcome to the forum, hopefully in some small way we can become your tribe of supportive people.  🙂

[exhausted1994]

Hey Gwynn,

Thanks for your response.

It is pretty likely that I might do this to try and get some kind of love from him. My self esteem is pretty bad, and I don't know how he could possibly love me for who I am. A lot of the time I just assume people want to be around me because I do things for them like bake nice things and sew.

Thanks for your reply and I do hope this forum can be a source for support because I do feel as though I burn out my friends with my constant need to reflect on everything.

Thankyou 🙂

[Gwynn]

No worries. 🙂 If you sew or craft at all, you might like to check out the Craft Corner, where you can post pictures of your works: https://saneforums.org/t5/Social-Spaces/Craft-Corner/td-p/199746

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @exhausted1994 

Welcome to the forums and glad to have you hear.  It seems like you are looking for acceptance from others while judging yourself harshly and being the first to not accept yourself? 

If so, what do you think are the building blocks of accepting yourself, flaws and all?  I already like you.. your openness and ability to tell your story came across really well and I look forward to seeing you around the forums in the future. 

[exhausted1994]

Hey @AussieRecharger, 

Thanks for your response.

I have always struggled a bit with self acceptance. I have a quite a hard bar to reach when it comes to my expectation of myself. I am also horribly overcritical and talk to myself the way I wouldn't talk to a worst enemy.

I'm not sure of how to start liking myself. I had a glimpse of self esteem and confidence back when I first got clean because I was finally free of such a huge drain on my life, however over the years this has reduced a lot and now some days I feel just as unwell as I would have back in those days. 

Its a shame, I always wish I could go back to that early recovery honeymoon period but I am aware that isn't how it works. 

Anyway, I'm rambling again.

Thanks for all your time!

[LostAngel]

oh @exhausted1994 sorry to read about all this must be so hard,Im also 27 and can relate to some aspects of what you are saying in particular the struggle to have a relationship,need for reasurrance fom your partner and the fact you turn on those closest to you I get it ,its a very lonely journey but please remember you are not alone in all this I know its very hard to have a positive mind set about ourselves and the constat tug between being positive about what we can do but at the same time the mood swings that cause you to feel down,please take things day by day and know that we on the forums are here for you,with what youve already shared I think you have alot of strength,you deserve support from your partner and family and professional support to I wish you all the best LostAngel 

[exhausted1994]

Thankyou for your reply @LostAngel.

Some days I find are worse than others, where I can't seem todrag myself out of the hole that is my pit of despair. I think me joining this forum today and sharing my story and reading other's stories has helped me immensely and I am forever grateful for this.

Thankyou for reading,

Exhausted1994

[wellwellwellnez]

I'm feeling you being pretty hard on yourself. All that same time I'm thinking how actively enagaged you manage to be while recovering addiction and nurturing your way out of dysthymia. In very countable ways I'm extremely impressed.

I don't know about miracle diagnosis but you might be the type that gets something out of attachment theory. I don't want to presume, but some of those rifts you describe sound like attachment rifts. I say this, admitedly, as an attachment theory enthusiast. Secure attachment is a beautiful thing, even if it is mysterious.

[Oaktree]

Hi @exhausted1994 and welcome to the forums. I was also raised by a narcissistic mother and I recognise many of the same effects on my life as you describe. The need for love and wantedness and the use of food as a comfort which is also an addiction in my case. I also use perfectionistic overcompensator as a maladaptive coping mechanism. You may get something out of watching Jess O'Garr on YouTube- she presents short videos on schemas and schema therapy theory. As someone whose coping mechanisms are all maladaptive I found her videos intensely interesting.

Meggle