Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[MadameMeow]

Hi! I have a 5 month old baby boy and I've just realised that my husband is suffering from PND. He's recently started a new high pressure job that has him working longer hours and a bit of travel. I feel like this job has triggered a bit of a breakdown. He's been much more distant lately and upon questioning him he has stated that he doesn't feel any connection to his son and no passion for anything in life including me. I'm devestated honestly and had no idea things were this bad. He says he loves his son and me but feels emotionally numb. He's had a rough past which i think has perpetuated this. His father was quite abusive and committed suicide when my husband was four. He says this isn't an issue but I beg to differ. We also went through two years of male factor infertility and eventually conceived through IVF. Naturally he has supported me through all of that and I couldn't have asked for a better husband and support. But I feel he's been strong for me a so long he's neglected his own mental health. He's been very involved with his son until this point however recently he just has no interest. He's agreed to see a psych and that's a positive step. He's booked in for two weeks time. I'm really struggling to help pull him out of this and am devestated for both him and my son. He said yesterday that he thinks my son and I would be better off if he left which is just not true. Any words of comfort or advice? Thank you

[-karma-]

Welcome @MadameMeow

so brave of you to post about what's happening in your family.

It sounds like you have been quick on the uptake, recognising your husbands distress and struggles, well done!

Positive that he has accepted help, in the meantime he could always make an appointment with a GP, it may be that he needs psychological help as well as pharmaceutical help.

There is always Sane's helpline if either of you would like to have a chat; 1800 18 7263

and of course @PANDA http://www.panda.org.au/ is another great resource; 1300 726 306 available to you both at this difficult time.

Take care of yourself at this difficult time, maybe a cuppa with a trusted friend will help to ease the load?

[NikNik]

Hi @MadameMeow

According to @PANDA , 1 in 10 men experience depression post birth. They even had a whole site dedicated to it called 'How is dad going?'. It would be worth checking out if you haven't come across it before.

There's a great thread called 'Wives caring for husbands' , which isn't exclusively about mens PND, but there are a lot of common experiences across the wives whose husbands have a mental health challenge. You might want to have a read, or pop in and post.

@Shaz51 is one of our wonderful Community Guides who also caring for her husband. She might have some tips for you 🙂

You're not alone @MadameMeow There are many discussions about husbands who are going through tough times. Some include:

@shr - who shares her story about her husband who has treatment resistant depression

@Kaz - who talks about her husband who was hard to motivate

Hopefully you can find others in this community going through similar things and connect with helpful services like @PANDA

[Shaz51]

Hello @MadameMeow

how are you today ? hope you are ok xx

how is you husband today ?

My hubby has had MI all his life , his seems to run in cycles 

you wrote , --I feel like this job has triggered a bit of a breakdown, yes I am sure it has as it has happened to my husband , yours sound so much like mine when thy have reached the breakdown point ' -- at this point they will say things that they don`t really mean , please don`t take it to heart

that took me a while , and me , I started to cry which made it worse and he would say things would be better without him and he says he feels numb

I have learn over time to notice the signs and when i see them , i would suggest having a day off or a week end away ,

as I am reading your story , i am really thinking it is the job xx

if you have any questions ,please  let me know

keep in touch for more tips as we go through this xx

[MadameMeow]

Thank you @Shaz51
I'm ok today, but it's hard to keep my anxiety in check. I'm trying to get out and keep busy with my baby as I'm aware that my mental health can slip if I'm left too much time to overthink things. Lucky for me I have great support in family and friends. It can get very lonely at home with a baby, and when my husband gets home I still feel alone.

He's so stressed out at work but there's nothing I can say to convince him to take it easy. He stayed at work late last night and got told to go home by his boss at closing time. So last night he was particularly distant. I too cried a little last night saying I felt so lonely and I missed him. He said sorry and we went to sleep.

I just don't know how to help him. I'm trying so hard but I feel like I'm being met with a brick wall. How do you find the strength to keep going?

[Shaz51]

Hello @MadameMeow

 it is  hard to keep your own  anxiety in check.  getting  out and keep busy with your  baby is very good ,

I kept myself busy too but don`t get too busy that you forget to care for yourself as I kept on going until I would have a "Cry day" as my hubby calls it  and then I was right again

because you need to look after yourself to look after others xx

that is wonderful that you have great support with family and friends , this is very important for you and your baby , don`t be shy to ask for their help my friend

You said He's so stressed out at work but there's nothing I can say to convince him to take it easy-- at this stage I found that anything you say won`t make any difference , is there anyone that he can talk too , he is overthinking all the time

I found just being there for him, sitting next to him , making home somewhere to for you and your husband to relax , do you and your husband like cuddles ??

It is not easy , it takes time , what did you both do to relax before xx

Keep in touch

Hello @Pebbles, @-karma-, @NikNik xx

[Shaz51]

Hello @MadameMeow

I have been thinking of you and your husband today

How is everything going ??

Can Hubby reduce his hours at work , might make a difference

[MadameMeow]

Hi @Shaz51,
Sorry I didn't see your other reply until now. Things are up and down. We had a really tough weekend where I finally convinced him he needs antidepressants. So he now has them but is reluctant to take them. He went to the psych and has realised how much he's been through. His work really is a major factor and they are now aware he is struggling so they will try and support him as much as they can. But I think he's realised the job really isn't for him but feels pressure to stay as we are on one wage. I've reassured him that we would cope if he were to leave. I have long service leave that could tide us over in the mean time. So I've left it with him to ponder. They let him come home early today bc he was really struggling.

We do find time to connect through cuddles and being intimate. And those times are really lovely. But then at other times he says he has no feelings towards me bc he has no emotions for anything. I'm so confused. I've had a terrible day bc I feel like he wants to leave me, but I guess my rational side tells me that it's the depression making him feel no love for me.

It's hard to find the strength to keep going. I feel myself reminiscing on happier times and I mourn the life we once had.

[Shaz51]

Hello @MadameMeow

It is great to hear from you xx

yes I know what you mean ,I have to focus on the good times , I have those feelings of , he wants to leave me , sometimes he has even said he wants to go back to hospital for a break

at these times , have to remember it is his depression, not him that is saying this

My hubby was put on anti depressants but they didn`t really worked a lot , so now they have put him on anti anxiety medication as well , so now he said he feels slacker

We do find time to connect through cuddles and being intimate. And those times are really lovely. -- this is great , it takes time

and remember to looking after your self too , have you had a chance to look at the other threads here and the self care posts as well , very good reading  and helpful

[MadameMeow]

Thank you @Shaz51
Your words are very comforting. Xxx