Skip to main content
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Something’s not right

Josie72
Senior Contributor

Heavy Heart

I have a very heavy heart. The deep life pain that a new surface issue has uncovered that I thought I’d come to terms with

 

My father was a bully back in the days when bullying & emotional abuse where not recognised. My sister & I had all the hall marks of abuse without the physical or sexual abuse so they couldn’t figure out what was wrong. My sister, who is older than me, while protective of me against my father became controlling & manipulative. 

 

I first experienced depression at 16 in 1988. I left home at 16 because of my father. I drank, smoke pot, had sex with anyone who showed affection. I put myself in so many dangerous situations. 

 

It’s been a long journey. I fought back in my 20’s and tried to stand up for myself. My father & sister washed their hands of me. I did talk to them foe several years. My mum stuck by me. I was so nasty to them all but she kept coming back while I worked through my issues. 

 

I had PND with both my babies in 2002 & 2004. I had a series of breakdowns as my marriage imploded through 2005-2006. Depression settled in but I fought. I reconnected with my dad & sister. Dad’s behaviour deteriorated as he aged and we broke again after a few years. 

 

 I was diagnosed with BPD & I completed DBT in 2015. It saved my life. Changed me at my core. I thought about reconnecting with dad but my sister said he had gotten worse. 

 

My dad died earlier this month. I was okay with his death. His will came out. I also have 2 older half siblings. He gave them 35% each, my sister 25% & me 5%. I don’t care about them money. It would make a big difference in my life but at the same time. I cut from him. I wasn’t strong enough to handle his ongoing abuse. But it hurts. It is his last act designed to cause pain. Include me so I’m informed but limit me to punish me. My sister is angry that the other 2 got more than her. That dad only gave her 25% because if he gave her more then she would give the extra to me. That triggered a though in me that she could always distribute some of hers to me to balance the 30% we got. 

 

When I broke from dad he threatened to cut me out so it was no surprise. I’d accepted it but as his health failed over the last few years my mum had convinced me that I deserve to get my share. Now she is back peddling and saying I should be grateful that he gave me 5%

 

My mum won’t involve herself between my sister & I. My sister won’t involve herself between our half siblings & I. 

 

I feel like I’ve fought on my own my whole life. While I’ve had some ‘support’ it’s largely been at their convenience or only when the shit has hit the fan and is dribbling down the walls. They try but they don’t understand I appreciate what they have done so much but at the same time. I have still largely fought on my own. I’ve had to change my thinking, my behaviour. I’ve had to accept them for who they are. I’ve had to lower my expectations. This is all work I did through DBT. 

 

I feel like when it comes down to it they don’t care about my interests. I’m not talking about putting me above all else. I’m talking about balance. They never follow up. They never check in. I have to ring them. I have to seek them out and always ask for help. They come. They pacify. The go. 

 

Now I have a choice. Accept the will. Deal with my pain and the complexity of my thoughts & feelings or fight for a fair share of dad’s estate. To fight. It brings it down to the money. They don’t want me to fight because it will upset them. It will break the family. The fact that they aren’t supporting me has the same effect. Why do I have to be the bigger person. Why can’t they be the bigger people & support me. Why is it always me that is thrown under the bus because I’m the problem. I have the problem. I’m being unreasonable. I expect too much

 

I feel like fighting more because I’ve had enough of giving in. If I fight the will &. They walk away. That’s on them because I’ve had to let go of so much because I wanted a relationship with them

9 REPLIES 9

Re: Heavy Heart

Dear @Josie72

Your story is tragic and unfortunately very similar to mine, though physical and sexual abuse hailed in my realm. The common denominator seems to be our ability to fight that 'norm' and survive by walking our own path separate from 'them', even though we became self-abusers for a time, then strived to heal our wounds and forgive our ills.

It is this strength and greatness they fear, not our defecits my love. You represent the 

Truth to them...

 

Families like ours tolerate or ignore abuse choosing to deal with it passively to keep the peace. But there's no peace at all; it's a life-long delusion that seems to keep them safe, and maybe it does in a way. That's for them to decide.

 

I'm in the same boat with my father's will, but he's still fighting death. He's made some progress, but his health fails daily. I haven't spoken to him in 25 years. I'm in two minds about it. The child in me loves yet fears him; the adult in me is disgusted by his ways but also empathises with his own childhood and adolescent tragedies/trauma's. They were many...

 

Before he was your father, he was a man. He will be judged by this at Saint Peter's Gate. This thought's sobering to my father. He has many sins to admit and forgive of himself, and has attempted to connect with me to say goodbye.

 

My family hated me for outing his sins which was something I had to do to save me and my child. I watched on as he passed his disgust onto his other grandchildren. Eventually though I had to disconnect myself from the 'what-if's' to survive the constant worry in my own mind. It was the best decision of my life and was truly the beginning of peace in my world.

 

When I was a child I survived him, but as an adult, I'm surviving 'me'.

 

All those beliefs, behaviours and ideals I 'taught myself' tucked away in my subconscious, had to change because I was purpetuating that abuse over and again onto me; I didn't know any better.

 

It isn't those who who hurt us; it's us who don't know how to grow up; no functional role models you see. You have greatness in you Josie; you've survived and thrived, and will continue to for the rest of your life.

You're right; money isn't the issue. It's a little girl trying to find love and security in a situation that will never provide it. It's time to grieve; to shed that disolusionment and exchange it for reality. There's peace in Truth.

 

I'm sending prayers your way hun. Take care ok. One day at a time; one decision at a time.

 

My thoughts are with you...

Hope xo Heart

Re: Heavy Heart

Thank you

Re: Heavy Heart

My mother deliberately punished me through her will.  She made me aware a year before she passed. I asked her once to changem but she insisted to the end and although it was sad and hard, her death has been the easiest one I have grieved.  It also was another obvious playing off siblings against each other, so I have eventually had to let go hope of any reconciling with my sister.  I held out hope for my youngest sister for 20 years, but now there can be nothing substantive to heal things. So in a weird sense I have closure that my mother was hostile to me, and it was not my imagination or simple neglect.

Sorry It was been so hard. @Josie72

Re: Heavy Heart

Thank you @Appleblossom & @Hope4me

 

Spoke to a solicitor today and I’m going to contest the will. The depth of this will be determined by if my siblings decide to fight or be fair. The eldest 2 could choose to fight just to hurt my sister & I. Their cost of fighting comes out of the estate total thereby reducing what we get. My cost comes out of my share. The eldest 2 don’t need it the way my sister & I do so may want to fight out of spite. I’m risking the relationship of my sister. I’m pretty well forcing her to stand up against the eldest 2 to preserve her $$ amount. But as my youngest said “it’s not like she really cares anyway”

 

Spoke to my mum also today. Did I say before that she left my dad the same year my sister I & left. Mum is determined to sit on the fence. She wants to emotionally support both of us and not take sides. I get where she is coming from but I’m pulling away from her cause I can’t fully explain what I’m going through and she’s not asking for any detail

 

I feel broken but I can’t break. I have little moments of emotions but I’m mostly numb. I think I’m grieving for it all. All the pain. All the lose. It occurred to me today that this is the last time he can hurt me. This is the very last I will have anything to do with my eldest sibs. 

 

Maybe my mum fence sitting will help my sister & I heal but I’m prepared for her to turn her back completely. The next few months/years could be ... interesting

Re: Heavy Heart

You are taking a courageous path. I wish you well.

Heart @Josie72

Re: Heavy Heart

Good morning @Josie72

Don't forget the solicitor makes money from your conflict. So be wary of their advice ok. If mediation's an option, it's less costly and you can voice your pain and frustration openly with your sisters with support from a specialist mediator.

 

The mediation process is part of the legal avenue anyway. So bringing it up first instead of appealing to the courts cuts out the cost, time and worry.

 

If you appeal to your sister's sense of fairness and cost effectiveness, it may bring a quicker and more emotionally better outcome. What do you think?

 

@Appleblossom

I'm sorry you've had to endure this process with your family also. Sending my well wishes hun. xo

 

Hope Heart

Re: Heavy Heart

Hi @Hope4me

I’ve gone with a no win no pay solicitor. The first step is to attempt to negotiate. If that fails then it’s mediation. If that fails then court. By using a solicitor they are bound by any agreement established. If I did it personally they are likely to say anything and then back out once the legal 12 mths are up. My eldest sibling was a politician. My father used the law to get what he wanted and taught us all to do the same. I don’t trust them

Re: Heavy Heart

Ok @Josie72

You seem to have it all sorted. I wish you luck hun. Don't forget to talk on here when you're feeling the pinch. People here will see you through...

xoHeart

Re: Heavy Heart

I’ve weighted everything up but like all things we make decisions & hope for the best

 

I can’t control others but I can control myself. 

 

Im anxious about what will happen. I’ve got other things putting stress on as well but this is something I have to do. I’m strong.  I will get through this. 

 

I will I’ll keep coming here cause the support has been the one thing that has helped give me strength 

Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

Further information:

  • Loading...

For urgent assistance