Lived Experience Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Crazy_Bug_Lady .... 💕

I was headed to bed, but took another check-in here on the way because I don't have classes in the morning and I have been missing forum friends ..... and I have caught your post.

Thanks for sharing with us what you are going through.  I think it is important to keep the dialogue open as it supports others who struggle with similar issues to talk about it too, and God knows, we need heightened community awareness, empathy and support .....

Re the SH.  I know I can't fix that for you, but I am hoping some suggestions might be helpful.  It's an addictive behaviour - you know that already, right ?  As with other addictions, there are options to help you break the cycle. 

One of those is keeping yourself accountable to others, so when you are struggling with the urge to harm yourself, consider making a deal with yourself that you will try to stay in the company of other people (like your Dad) to give the urge the chance to pass.

Try the ice-holding activity, maybe ....

You will know the elastic band on the wrist snapping, I guess ....

Counting backwards from 100 and physically pacing out steps as you do is another strategy ..... anything really that distracts and gives you an alternative focus.

You are already aware that it can be dangerous for you, and you are recognising that the boundary has shifted and is blurry, so please try to reach out for help in those moments to keep the boundaries, or new and different boundaries, in check.  That might mean calling a 24/7 helpline ..... something to create space, accountability, a diversion.

Hugs and hugs Hon.

Hearing you ... sitting with you in my thoughts.

💜💗

[Crazy_Bug_Lady]

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope for responding. 

I had managed to go over a year without harming, and hate myself for falling back into it and letting myself get this bad... I hate that I am so constantly overwhelmed. I hate that I spent so long fighting to be allowed off all my medication, and Dad asked me this morning if I should try asking the GP for something, or a referral to someone that can prescribe me something. 

I just hate how everything is always constant panic.

I'm unemployed, living back with my parents. Completely useless and a waste of space. I keep getting told that I need to improve my mental health before I can try moving back out and living independantly. And I need my health to improve, and preferably move out before looking for work again. 

I'm still waiting for my cow to calve, she's 10 days overdue, and the other two that were due the same time both calved on Friday. I am terrified she'll have problems giving birth, what if she dies, or the calf dies? What if, what if, what if, what if...

I hate how I feel. I just hate everthing, and I really don't see how things could ever get better. I really don't see any point in living, and I haven't for a very long time.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hearing you @Crazy_Bug_Lady ......

I am very familar with the “what if, what if, what if” ..... I tend to sketch in plans ahead to work towards, but with my hubby in the state he is in, and knowing that it is unsustainable, has meant I couldn’t plan anything, and can’t even anticipate if / when he will suffer a health crisis .....

What does this mean ?  I spent the first few years stalled, not making any plans, not being able to see any future that I could work towards, thinking all the time that something would happen within the next few months.  It’s been nine years now.  That’s a long time to live in limbo, but it has taught me something very important ..... to live the day I am in.  What can I do with this day ?  Choose something you would like to do, or have to do, or can do, and gently fill this day to help block out the “what if, what if, what if”, because we can spend an awful lot of tine and energy stressed to the max about things that never end up happening.  Only a fraction of what we anticipate will actually happen, but we expend the worry and distress for what does happen and everything we imagined would happen as well.

Reducing that load of worry will help you recover your health.  It will help to reduce the sh urges, and it will provide you more time and energy to take baby steps towards where you might like to go, things you would like to achieve or have in your life.

Make a wish-list for yourself maybe ?  Would you like to learn to draw, to dance, plant veggies, go hiking, walk, get part-time work (where ?) study at TAFE or uni ?  These are things that you can stick a pin in and just consider in the background until you are ready to step out with something.

Do you listen to music through earbuds ?  It can be a way to be in your own space within a house full of people ..... it gives you your own walls.

Hang in there kiddo ..... my mr will end up at crunch point at some stage, but God knows, it could be a few more years away, so I have to get on with things in the meantime and have a day each day.  I have gone back to study, at the encouragement of my kids.

[Faith-and-Hope]

How are you doing @Crazy_Bug_Lady ?  

Thinkung of you.

💜

[Appleblossom]

@Crazy_Bug_Lady 

I have been offline for a bit.  I can hear your despair.  

It really is more difficult these days to establish financial independence.  Everything is so expensive and it takes longer for most people in most families. 

Be patient and kind with yourself.

It was good to read your posts on Friday Feast and that you till had your cow, Killara.

A while ago I was in a ladies bathroom and one older woman was saying we needed something to hate.

I was surprised to hear it from a well dressed sensitive looking woman, but made me think.

It can become a part of our strength and life force. Showing us the things that matter.

Take Care of YOU.

[Crazy_Bug_Lady]

Found out today that my poor Killara had slipped (stillborn) her calf. I'd had some suspicions but put it down to my paranoia and anxiety, which is pretty out of control atm. 

I'm still out at the farm and wontwobe home till probably 6pm, so I'm trying very hard to keep it together till then. I don't feel teary, like I'm gonna cry. But the emptiness is worse. 

So I'll add that to my list of things that are going wrong. 

So as you can imagine I'm really not coping.. I haven't SH'd the last two days, but now I really don't see the point in not doing it. 

In all honesty the only thing stopping me from suicide was waiting for her calf. There is nothing good, I see no chance of anything improving. The universe has given me nothing but shit the last year, and I have no reason to stick around and see it get any worse. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Oh @Crazy_Bug_Lady I am so sorry to hear about your beautiful Killara losing her calf ...... that is so sad 😔😔😔

I don’t know what to say that could make you feel better at all, butI do feel proud of you that you have resisted sh for the last two days ..... that is a fantastic effort ..... and I would love to see you continue that success despite your unhappiness ..... 

It can be so hard to see any light in the future when everything feels like it’s gping wrong, but the tide does turn .... and I have hope for you.  I will visualise light for your future and sit with you in this dark place while we wait for things to change ......

Hugs @Crazy_Bug_Lady ..... ❤️🐛🦋🐌🐚🐞🐝🐜🦂🕷💕

[Dockers6]

Crazy_Bug_Lady we have sent you an email to check on your welfare.
Dockers6

[Appleblossom]

That is very sad @Crazy_Bug_Lady

 It is a grief for both you and for Killara.  Killara will need you to get through.

I often used to put deadlines on "when I would do it". Eg., "When the kids got their beds ... etc ...they would not need me" ...I have moved on from that. You can too.  Though SH and SI still are around it has nowhere near the same pull ...

The thing is that ... the world needs more people like you. Dear Miss Bug a philia 

One plus I can see in the situation is that your instincts were right ... you mentioned it on an earlier post ... but were not sure ... so in spite of all the doubts and fears about your sanity ... you were spot on about your cow's situation.

I hope you get to take that lovely bath you have promised yourself.

[Crazy_Bug_Lady]

I am so tired of this, and I don't believe things will ever improve. I apologise if I've upset anyone. 

I'm lying on my bed wishing I could cry, but it's just that painful hollow. I don't think I have any tears left. 

I have no-one to talk to irl, and I don't see the point in ringing anyone or talking to anyone. I can't make calls due to anxiety, and I don't want to waste anyones time.