Ill describe it for you. Psychologist had gotten me to write a letter to my mum. Which i did 2wks ago & cried a lot after it.
I took the letter in to him.
I sat in the chair
He asked me to focus on a time where my mother really hurt me.
Immediately i was in the hosp room giving birth to my stillborn son. I knew he had passed. My girlfriend was to the right of me & my mother was not close to me on the left. The vision was crystal clear & the emotions rose. Psychologist asked me what i was feeling. As this was going on the psychologist got me to sit with my head still & just with my eyes watch a conductors stick pass backwards & forwards in front of my eyes. I would tell him what i saw & felt what thoughts came up as i watched the stick pass in front of me.
Sure i cried heaps but it was controlled with the meds im on luckily.
So it wasnt too traumatic.
He would then stop & ask me what pain level it was. Then we would go back to that same vision. He kept repeating this. Gradually the vision of my mother almost disappeared.
I then was focusing on my girlfriend who was truly there for me. Close by my side & so supportive. You see my mother & her boyfriend organised it so hed ph to get her out of the room.
The ph rang 3times & shed walk away. Eventually she said she had to leave me cause hed locked himself out. Yeah right.
It was just her way to let me know how unimportant i was & that boys would always b her priority.
Anyway as we continued the vision got less clear & the emotional attachment to it totally lessened.
In the end i felt almost nothing & could mostly c my girlfriend. My mother was far in the distance with her back to me walking away.
What fascinated me the most was how the vision chsnged. I was more in present time remembering rather than being right back in the room.
Its quite a fascinating process actually. At one point i started to visualize another trauma with the similar theme of my mother displaying her lack of care. However the psychologist quickly got me back focused on the one trauma.
I do feel safe to express myself with this man. I feel safe with him.
As he did this is the reason why i cant trust people & have always felt so unwanted & worthless
Which is linked to my greatest fears now about trying to provide for myself. & my fears around my son leaving & then being totally alone again.
Thanks for sharing @Donna1 , i'm sure this will help people make more of an informed decision about this treatment. I can relate to the worry around being alone. I have only small family here and not many friends. I find it hard to meet new people due to work and now mental health worries and issues.
I'm glad you got through the session okay and that you have a good support team around you. Your son may leave at some point, but, your always going to be in each others hearts.
Sounds interesting @Donna1 I am glad you found it useful though. I've read a bit about this sort of treatment.
Regurgitating these things can be hard but I believe that exhuming things from the past which are buried gives new air to them. Sometimes when people exhume things from the ocean or the ground buried deep within they immediately start to disintegrate or break down. I think this is a powerful metaphor for our mental health.
So that when we exhume something from the past it immediately begins to get smaller and fall away. Just the small act of revisiting things can do that. It's for the better.
I am confident you are on a better path now my friend with new form of treatment.
I really valued your post describing the EMDR. It was so clear and described the processes. Good on you for working through it. I also know from hard bitter experience how traumas connect. I have never had the treatment but am not against it so if it offered. It might be help. I had a dreadfully truamatic confused relationship with my mother. My heart weeps for the complexity that is motherhood and all the wasted effort and time and love and mistakes.
I was aware of EMDR back in early 90s through a family therapist, but never had money to get it.
I am going to talk to my gp and CoS about getting a dva white card. I never realised I had endured many repeated and different forms of sexual abuse til after I joined this forum. Seems stupid and mad but that is how "unusual" my early life was. Thanks for giving me the idea.
Its time for me to be moving on, as with most things there is good and bad everywhere.
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