Thank you all for sharing your stories. I've discovered it is very necessary to know you are not alone. Especially love the north pole references, which is why I chose it for my user name
Everyone seems to be in the same position. I see many similarities - mentally ill adult child returns home with child/ren and are financially dependant, violent and demanding, messy, irresponsible, passes blame, and most have a drug abuse history. And, it seems, all of them deny mental health problems and refuse therapy and/or meds. Most carers have sympathy for grandchildren and allow them to return home.
My 30 year old daughter returned to our home 2 years ago with two children. We said yes on the condition that she seeks out therapy and treatment when it is needed. She will pacify us and go once or twice, but make excuses to not repeat. I can't force her - she's an adult. We will again demand she get therapy, or she must find other living arrangements. She goes to therapy, but only once or twice. She says she doesn't like therapy because it doesn't help and she's wasting her time. We thought maybe she's not discussing the 'real' problem. So recently, her stepdad and I said we should attend a session with her to 'improve our horrible communication skills'. Once with the pshychologist, her stepdad and I rattled off each and every problem we've encountered with her over the past two years. Too dependent, lacks parenting skills, sleeps too much, argumentative, will not 'own' problems, very messy, disorganized, accuses us of poisoning her and stealing her things (she came to our house with clothes, toys and a baby bed), she hears voices and talks about a man that has been with her since she was little, says we are preventing her from working by telling every business owner in town her story. Ugh! We have tried the loving and supportive approach, she didn't believe we wanted success for her. We tried the controlling approach, she just did what she wanted. We tried the Silent but Present approach. We clean up after her, watch her kids while she naps (often), never demand anything from her and do everything for her. This is a temporary fix. I get that. This does not make her healthy, and it actually makes it worse in the end, but I cannot live in the environment she creates when we insist she handle her responsibilities. We have tried to let her raise her kids her way, but it is hard to be silent. The most positive thing I can say for her is she is home when she is not working her part time job. She has no social life. She will not make friends because she thinks they are out to get her; she is afraid of people in a way. She also has no empathy -- EXCEPT for drug addicts. Her 9 yo daughter is beginning to have social problems, and this is due to her. I am also grateful she is not violent - yet! However, she was with her ex, which resulted in her living with us.
This daughter is the oldest of my 5 children. I have been parenting for 30 years. The youngest is still home, but will go to college in a year. As much as I enjoyed it, I am ready for the next phase of life. I was soooo looking forward to having an empty nest, less kid stress, downsizing, having my husband to myself, traveling, grandkid visits, a clean organized house. I resent my daughter for taking this away from me. I resent her for not trying to improve her mental health. I resent her for not taking care of my house that I meticulously took care of for so long. I resent her for having to dip into our nestegg to pay for her car, insurance, repairs, kids activities, daycare, etc etc etc. I love her and it hurts to see her like this, but it is very hard to share space with her.
My questions to other carers:
1) Why do they refuse mental health care? Do they truly not see the psych problems? (My daughter tells me I need a shrink, I'm the one with the problems).
2) When establishing boundaries, which ones truly work?
Just want you to know that you are not alone! My son is 40 and I can identify with everything you said .., I am 60 and wish I didn’t have to deal w these things during this phase of my life as well. God bless you w strength, wisdom and endurance! I have no answers ... all I can do is trust in God to show me/you the way!
Hi @Hummingbird, I'm feeling your pain. My 20 year old doesn't live with me, and won't tell me where she is. She rings or texts everyday but 9 times out of 10 it is abusive or degenerates into abusive quickly. She got on fine with my husband until he heard how she was speaking at me and he said something, now she won't talk to him. I can't get her back to see a dr, she thinks nothing works.
I wish I had some advice for you, but all I have at the moment is that you aren't alone in your struggles. Sometimes its reassuring to know its not just you going through this. And you aren't the worlds worse Mother (which I used to feel daily).
Boundries are hard, especially when you've been just trying to keep the peace (me too). Sending you positive thoughts xx
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