Lived Experience Forum

[Snoopy56]

I have had a really crap year, I think everyone has but how they handle it makes the difference.  I get these great ideas and then Black puts it's two bobs worths, completely deflates White and I am back in the dark hole again.  Who are Black and White you may ask? They live in my mind.  Through therapy I have started to recognise their existence and how powerful Black has over me.  It makes me impulsive, avoidance is becoming the new norm when White so desperately wants a friend.  I may sound a little crazy but I can assure you I am quite intelligent.  What I am saying is I struggle to live.  I don't know what normal feels like. 

[SJT63]

@Snoopy56 I can assure that even neurotypicals like me have blacks and whites in our heads with whom we wrestle, but somehow the "grey" takes precedence most of the time. My BP partner has black and psychadelic paisley (rather than white) doing the tango to music in his own head that I rarely hear.

We have had a crap year also, and we're not even in lockdown. The whole global "vibe" is crap right now and even those of us with great coping strategies and boat loads of resilience have been exhausted by 2020. Too much black in my generally beige coloured mind at the moment. I don't know who I am or where I'm going most of the time and I'm the carer, not the one with MI.

So I guess I'm saying -  hang in there,  you're not alone, even if white thinks he is friendless. There are a lot of very good, caring, experienced and compassionate people on this forum and I know you will find plenty of support.

Love S

[BPDSurvivor]

Hey @Snoopy56 ,

Great point there regarding black and white. Guess what? Have you ever considered a checkerboard? Every black square has a white square. You cannot take the white without the black. Nor can you take the black without the white. This is life (especially the life of a borderline) - black and white. It is about reconceptualizing this - you are not 'faulty' because black gets in the way. Nor are you 'faulty' for having whites.

Also, @SJT63 is right about finding the middle ground - the 'grey'. I'll talk to little bit more about this in my next post.

Adios for now,

BPDSurvivor 

[Snoopy56]

Thanks for the kind words. There is no grey unfortunately but I am working towards it.