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Jessicaa11
Casual Contributor

BPD

Hey!

 

Im new to this so here goes nothing. I’m in my early 20s and I live with BPD. It’s hard some days than others. My life has been hard. I can’t complain too much because i’m grateful to be alive and to have given and created life itself, which is by far my greatest achievement. My daughter has been my saving grace, her fresh eyes and curious nature mirrors my own. Through her eyes I was able to look at myself for the first time in existence and ask “Why don’t you love yourself?”, I torment myself with this question every day while I try to find an answer.

 

I got hit with antenatal depression/anxiety and post-partum depression hard. My birth was traumatic to say the least. But I am friends with trauma, there have been many historical, traumatic events in my life that have helped shape who I am today. 

 

Before therapy I lived every waking moment in anxiety. I never tried anything. Never pushed myself to commit to anything all the way through. Rarely had the opportunity to make friends between moving schools almost every year from 5-12yo but that’s just another piece of history. I haven’t held permanent full time employment for longer than 3 months. I struggle with depressive spirals, black and white thinking, self loathing, intrusive thoughts. I’ve had public displays of over reactive emotion, so i’m pretty comfortable crying in front of others so I’ve got that going for me. Maybe I could take up acting? Always thought my sensitivities were good for creative purposes.

 

I have great support around me. I’m starting DBT again soon and am linked with a Woman’s and Children’s Centre. I’ve had a social worker before. I’ve been seeing my GP for over a decade now too. Great family support should I ever require it and i’m finally working again and have been here for 2 months.

 

Life is substantially better but still in moments of stress I revert back to maladaptive thoughts, patterns, beliefs and behaviours like it is home to me. I have empathy for myself because chaos and destruction WAS my home. I’m trying to build this new home now inside myself as well as maintaining adult/parent life with my actual home and some days just like today where I slept great last night, but still have been completely debilitated by my emotions and strong emotional responses that I just have no fight left in me to feel kind to myself.

 

Im so sick of being so hyperaware of my progress or lack there of, that this constant self evaluation and self punishment cycle I get into drains the S out of me. Though I should be, I am not happy with where I am now in life. 

 

I just want to be better. Feel better already.

4 REPLIES 4

Re: BPD

Hi @Jessicaa11 ,

 

Welcome to the forums and good on you for teaching out!

 

Let’s just say what you are saying definitely resonates with me. Yet I can say you seem to have a lot more awareness of where you are and what is happening than what I did for a long time.

 

Your post was very grounded. For me, I was so wrapped up in my immature, emotional self that I really couldn’t think straight. 

I ended up going through intensive Mentalisation Based Therapy which lasted nearly 2 years. I can’t pinpoint the changing factor, but I know it did make a huge difference in my recovery. It seems like I was taught to socialise and allow my emotional child to grow up. Eventually, things shifted for me when I was in my mid 30s.

 

There is hope @Jessicaa11 . You can recover from BPD. I’ve been there.

 

Throe yourself into trying new things outside your comfort zone so that your brain will hopefully pick up more helpful ways of coping with emotional pain.

 

My BPD journey has been totally worth it. It’s taught me more about myself and about my place in this world.

 

Feel free to visit Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script 

 

Hope to speak soon.

Jessicaa11
Casual Contributor

Re: BPD

Thank you for your response. It really means a lot. I value all who speak to me from a place of authenticity. I read your response a number of times but could not think of what I wanted to share, but it left me wondering many a time of day, just who I’ll be at 30.

 

Hopefully free.

 

Again, I’ve found myself in another interpersonal pickle brought on emotional immaturity and the self destructive urges that I possess, led by impulse. I’ve been so run off schedule it’s caused distraction from my adult responsibilities (yet again, whoop de doo me - it’s literally like fighting a toddler in my brain for control of the steering wheel. Some weeks you have it more together and can conquer all your goals with that special ability to hyper-focus on your weekly routine, other weeks the slightest perceived abandonment from say a significant other, can have you spiralling back into this dichotomous victim who’s life’s mission is to destroy their only nemesis (which in my case is myself) and that goes exactly against what my heart wants! It’s like heart, brain and body cannot seem to align.

Therapy helps, Mindfulness helps, Meditation helps, Well rounded diet, Regular exercise, scheduled alone time, nature of some sorts, regular wake sleep cycles, a grounding sense of purpose, a sense of faith, Yoga, stretching, self help books, journaling, mood diary, crisis hotline phone calls, full time work, creative pursuits, family time and friends. The thing I can’t do is slow down, think and ACT. Especially when it can benefit me most to imagine the stop sign, absorb the others concern about you - Not perceive it as criticism and completely shutdown. I can’t relax when I know should, too hyperactive for my own good. I experience burn out a lot. Parenting your inner child is hard work, I have a photo of me when i’m like two or three that I keep on a bookshelf near my bed. I’ve done exercises to write out all of the mean things i’ve ever been said. I know i’ll grieve the loss of childhood in therapy every week. I know it’s not hopeless. I carry in my wallet a photo of my daughter, her father and my first breastfeed. It pains me a lot that I hurt them this way by never learning how to love myself. Some things we humans like to do is lie to ourselves, all I can know is these brain distortions are powerful. Only combat I’ve found is developing radical acceptance and self belief. 

It’s a bad day, not a bad life. You give me hope on a hopeless night, a familiar friend to let out a vent with no judgement or forced advice. 

Thank you and bless.

tyme
Community Lead

Re: BPD

Thank you for sharing @Jessicaa11 .

 

It takes a lot of courage to accept what is happening, and even more courage to enact change.

 

Change can be scary - just like growing up can be scary.

 

I encourage you to continue reaching out. 

 

I really appreciated you mentioning that today is a bad day - not a bad life.

 

Please take care and I hope to hear from you soon,

tyme

Jessicaa11
Casual Contributor

Re: BPD

Thank you @tyme,

Really does mean a lot. I’ve isolated myself so much that the only real friendships or what feels like friendships are responses to me on online forums or social media groups.

I’ve just started DBT solo sessions and when the time is right for me I will do group.

I’m really really excited and hopeful and just need to share it with someone! I’ve had days and days worth of lows since I posted this post, I’m sabotaging my most valued interpersonal relationships and I’m ready to face that childhood, face that trauma and stop the generational trauma with me.

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