I have really been struggling with my borderline personality disorder - it’s all internal and I feel like I have no one to talk to.
I find it really embarrassing to talk about because I know that people wouldn’t understand what I’m going through. My BPD normally relates to relationships I have formed and I struggle to control the obsessions I have with people (it’s generally to do with positions of power, either someone who has more power than me like a boss at work, or someone under me that I might mentor). It is very internal, and I do try and restrict my behaviours so it is not obvious or causing an impact on the person, but the fire inside is very real.
I find myself thinking about the other person non-stop, wanting to spend all my time with them and be the centre of their attention. I encourage emotional discussions and secret sharing so the connection becomes stronger, and then I find myself wanting to manipulate the relationship by pushing them away. I can’t sleep because of it. And, with most people there is a sexual undertone - for me, not for them, even though I wish the obsession could lead to that because I want to feel special to that person.
I have a partner of 7 years, and I think that’s what makes all of this worse. I definitely can’t tell her about it because it makes me look like I want to cheat, but deep down I don’t it’s just an emotional reaction that I can’t control. The rest of my family also wouldn’t understand so I just don’t ever talk about it. So when I mention anything about having BPD it makes no sense to anyone because no one sees the behaviours I’m doing or feeling.
I have also in the past been diagnosed as bipolar disorder type 2, which I don’t believe is true because I have never once had an experience of mania. I do have a lot of depressive episodes but have had depression and pnd over the past 14 years. My mood also changes continuousky throughout the day, and does not sustain over longer periods of time. The whole thing just makes me confused because I know that these obsessions I have are related to BPD, but then I wonder if my ability to mainly keep it internal means I do actually have BPD at all? I see that a lot of BPD externalise this and have a lot of aggression. I don’t do this, and have not often identified with the aggressive side of BPD, it’s mainly based on stormy relationships and anxiety with relationships. Perhaps this is because I am at a certain stage of recovery. I don’t know.
I guess I just want to know if this also happens to other people with BPD? Do you experience these obsessions with other people and internalise it? I do act on it, but I think it’s more of a subtle manipulation, or attempt at a manipulation. The whole process fuels and excites me. But I just wonder what it all means.
Hi @the-janelane. I don't think we've 'met' before so a hi from me 🙂
I read your post really appreciating your honesty and the insight and self-awareness you clearly have. I can imagine it would be difficult to have such an understanding of yourself while experiencing a lack of understanding from others. There are lots of people here who live with BPD and a lot of understanding on the forum. It's great to see you here.
I'm wondering whether you've ever heard of "quiet" BPD? It is something I learned about here from people who live with BPD and who experience some/many of the thoughts and feelings that can go with BPD, but without some of the more visible or outward symptoms or signs. Perhaps it could help to have a read up on it (a quick search on Google gave me a few results), and see whether you can relate to some of it.
Thank you. Yes I did learn about that this morning from YouTube and then a google search. Amazing that I have been diagnosed with this for 9 years and seen various psychiatrists and psychologists and no one ever mentioned it. It makes a lot of sense so thanks for also responding with it.
I think I would really benefit hearing some stories from people with BPD who may have similar experiences with infatuation with people and what that looks like for them. I’m not sure if what happens to me is really common, moderately common or not common at all.
Heya @the-janelane, I am so glad you have started this conversation. Like most diagnosis everything works on a spectrum, so yes absolutely many people with BPD would relate to the infactuation you speak of. I have heard some refer to it as "obsessive attachment" but in essense it's that same feeling of idealising one person for a huge portion of the day.
It's interesting to note the feeling in your body, the memories that are activated and what element of you is coming forth when this person comes into view for you. I am keen to hear the rest of the communities view on this, and please know you are not alone You also have an immense amount of self awareness which no doubt will aid you in the healing journey.
I identify my BPD traits as being 'quiet' or inwardly turning. I internalise everything and then take it out on myself.
Currently I don’t have the same kind of obsessions as you do and I’m sorry that I can’t help as much with that part. Your post did make me question whether maybe I was more like that when I was younger but I cant remember. I did want to connect about the obsessive thoughts though. That I can identify with and it is still something I’m trying to work with. Maybe it might be helpful to look at your situation more broadly as some obsessive and maybe compulsive thoughts. I think maybe from what I’ve observed that that compulsive/ obsessive thought pattern is something many of us with BPD traits share.
I know that I don’t trust myself with relationship stuff over the last few years because I get pulled into the pull you/ push you mess too easily. I’ve isolated myself but that’s not ideal either. It’s a work in progress.
I just wanted to answer your post because I could connect with what you are expressing but perhaps not in the exact same way. I think there are similarities and differences with BPD. I’ve learned the hard way that when I feel the differences it’s harder. For me it’s much better to connect and maybe deal with the things that are affecting my daily life the most. I’m sure there are people that experience the same as you but please don’t be disillusioned if no one here identifies in exactly the same way. My personal opinion is that it is highly probable that some do but may not end up posting a response. Hopefully you will get one though.
Have you talked to a psychiatrist or psychologist about this specific part and the effects you are feeling from it?
I have BDP and I can honestly say I have experienced all sides to it. With my relationships I have had struggles like you are experiencing!
I am also in a long term relationship and I push my partner away constantly and attempt to sabbotage what we have - it is a really awful thing but I can't help it! I feel like sometimes people need to prove to me that they want to be in my life so I draw them in and do awful things just to see if they stay!
I don't have advise as such on how to fix this. My partner (I am so lucky) understands BPD and has done heaps of reasearch and listened to pod casts and stuff on youtube about it so he is quite understanding and can often see what is happening before me and we have worked out a way in which he can approach the matter and talk me down and we get to an agreement before things get out of hand.
In saying that I have recently managed to push many of my close friends away because they are just "sick of my S***" - not understanding that I need them. I think it is a massive edcautional thing and people don't want to know and don't believe mental health is an issues and think you can "fix it" or "control it".
I feel for you and if you just need someone to vent to about what you are going through with it! I am here! and I am sure many others on the site are as well
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