Lived Experience Forum

[Appleblossom]

I have found some youtube videos that speak to my issues, by Alan Robarge, so I thought I would share them.

Edited as this is a better intro

How Do we Heal from Attachment Injuries - It Depends

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yM_z9SzOxXo

He has a series on Emotional Unavailability and this one is about Delayed Responding

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muKWK8betBc

and lol ... a biggy for me:

Emotional Oversharing and How it pushes People Away

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2od4Uf03Si0

Reccomending the best approach is "Sharing your reality in moderation".

It also relates to the struggle on my "Not Sure" thread. He talks about distinguishing these things as an amazing skill .. so I feel less foolish as I struggle to learn it.  For me it is not a simple question of "choice".

[Change123]

@Appleblossom

This look interesting, definitely will look at during my lunch break especially "emotional oversharing" this is something I need to curb.

Dont you hate that when people say "you choose" to behave this way!  What a lot of crap I understand where they are coming from as in " there is nothing stopping us from making the right choice" but the problem is our faulty thinking and not knowing at the time what is the right choice and it may seem very logical to us at the time.

Thanks @Appleblossom!

[Lunar]

These look like great resources @Appleblossom, looking forward to watching them 🙂

[Appleblossom]

I guess I am tracing an intellectual lineage which follows on from John Bowlby, who began studying primates, like Robert Sapolsky (who has an intersting Stanford series on youtube).  These approaches seem rooted in the most essential aspects of being alive and human, and dont seem to deal in morality games.  Alan Robarge''s language is very careful, even in the way he addresses toxic family relationships.  He does not oversimplify and put down members of the family system.  He keeps his discussion on the level of skills and that usually people do not reach adequate attunement with family members, because thay dont have the skills.  I really appreciate the lack of moralising and blaming in his approach.  He might be too analytical for some though .. 

[Change123]

@Appleblossom & @Lunar

I have only just looked at the " oversharing emotions"  but what a brilliant video - its almost like a light bulb moment for me - I haven't seen the last 5-10 mins will watch that later.

This is so me and from what I believe @BlueBay.

The oversharing emotion is basically the issues I have and I think @BlueBay has with personal boundaries.  (Bluebay you have to watch this)

It explains exactly why I do it, I was never able to speak up or voice my opinion so know I go overboard in justifying myself and overexplaining things to get the attention (being listened to) that I never had - which makes sense but what really got me was the fact of how we use this " oversharing"  as a protective cloak ie. if we overshare to an excessive degree it makes the other person uncomfortable and also makes them realise that to continue the conversation they need to give more information etc than they are used to giving - hence pushing people away in the interim and not making them comfortable to talk to us.  The other thing I liked about this video while it seems obvious that it is about BPD issues thats not brought up - its just another way of dealing with emotional issues.  A bit like the emotional discipline that I'm trying to use.  Its basically mindfulness and DBT stuff but just put in another way so you are not trying to feel like you are overcoming a huge MI but rather disciplines and things that can be changed eventually.  Ie you may not be able to do all the emotions straight away but doing one by one and adding more and rewards like I did seemed to help me enough to get into a habit of wanting to do these disciplines and feeling a sense of achievement and now not needing a reward.

Thanks @Appleblossom , will definitely watch the others soon.

[Appleblossom]

It was huge for me too. @Change123

I always treated my over-sharing as a fault that I did not quite know how to manage. I was embarrassed about it and tried to trim myself and then became abrupt .. no win.

Whereas he is distinctly non judgemental about all the behaviours around attachment.  Though does call out "toxic" behaviours. 

I also like that he does not discuss diagnostic labels .. he is getting at the mechanisms that cause relationships to become dysfunctional .. beneath all the labels .. medical .. or pejorative.

[Change123]

@Appleblossom

I definitely like that fact too no diagnostic labels and you know with me I think thats impacted more.

Breaking it down like I'm doing now is giving me more success that just trying to not be BPD.

Look forward to see the rest.

[Appleblossom]

Trying not to be ... a label .. can lock us in a vicious cycle .. because we set up the thing not to be .. rather than imagine ourselves from a free open and creative place ..

it develops a dualist and polarised way of being.. even with the best of intentions.

This is a useful one too .. which gives as a theory of mind .. with more sophistication than CBT.

Self Healing - Difficult Emotions, Mindfulness and Meta Thinking

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_zy0xBSNl0

[Appleblossom]

www.iasa-dmm.org/images/uploads/Attachment%20and%20trauma,%20Purnell,%202010.pdf

This is a different source and a good text based  summary

has a very interesting circle relating 

distortions of affect and cognition

to attachment coping styles

[Appleblossom]

Yes the

DYNAMIC MATURATIONAL MODEL OF ATTACHMENT

is important

I am generally a compliant compulsive care giver

.  Which include a false positive affect .. due to idealised cognition of my mother

if the affect is false positive .. it is not a game or conscious little mask

they specifically state

CBT needs to be applied carefully because it can reinforce the very problems which keep client in dysfunctional patterns .. there will be heaps just like me ...

hmmm

my resistance to excess positivity spruikers .. is validated .. at last ..yay

well intentioned or complacent but under informed mh workers can make a total screw up of people ...

there are no one size fits all .. for gung ho CBTers  

Context needs to be addressed.