Hello @Former-Member , @Clawde , @Lilly6 , @Appleblossom , @Emelia8 , @Anastasia , @greenpea , @Rosemary4 , @Former-Member , @Faith-and-Hope , @Dimity , @jem80 , @Lise07 , @Eve7
The following statement may be of interest to some, strike a chord for others, be a temporary distraction or something to which you may be able to respond. I brought the response and post over from the "Far and Away" thread.
{Longish post ~1140 words}
Separate Spaces
The following comment is a response that I wrote with regard to an enquiry about how I am going, by @Former-Member on the “Far and Away” forum thread, at about 2.00 PM AWST 5 Jan '22:
“I believe that I'm going ok here. Possibly somewhat concerned that I have, what appears to be, a path of fairly long recovery. I seem to live in different spaces, my mental logic space, a real life external space and another physically disorganised space. It may be that I keep the spaces separate in order to keep myself functioning.”
Should I be concerned about dissociation? By Zachary Phillips Apr 21, 2019 · 2 min read
“I Am Two People Contained In One Body
From: < https://medium.com/invisible-illness/i-am-two-people-contained-in-one-body-35e5b3b8a7a0 >
The impact of trauma on my childhood development
I am two people contained in one body.
Number One is self-conscious, prone to prolonged bouts of mental illness, and not at all confident.
Number Two is a highly motivated, fit and confident person. One who pushes himself daily to grow, learn and produce.
Throughout most of my childhood, Number One ruled. This was the product growing up in a less than stable home, my father was an addict and a dealer; subsequently his home never felt safe.
Number One learnt to survive. To feed himself and his brother and for the most part, to blend into the background.
He developed dissociation to cope with the more traumatic events of his childhood; something that he still battles with to this day.
Number Two did exist back then, but his visits were fleeting. He would come out for sports and occasionally in class, but never stayed for long. Occasionally he would make friends, but would never share his social skills with number one.
Number One self-harmed, number one idealised suicide; but when it came down to the crunch, number two kept me alive. He is the eternal fighter. Someone who is never satisfied that ‘enough is enough’. He keeps pushing for growth, self-improvement, learning and gains.
Today, for the most part, Number Two is in control.
My drive and work ethic is far larger than anyone I know. I meditate and exercise daily, put out regular books. I am constantly learning, experimenting and growing.
Yet I am still two people.
Number One is still inside me, and he still gets a vote.
Sometimes Number Two ignores Number one, but he always regrets it. If number one isn’t cared for, he rebels and we all come crashing down. Number Two has lost weeks at a time this way.
So now I am faced with an interesting balancing act.
I prefer Number Two, yet I can’t shake Number One. Regardless I am not convinced that I should get rid of him entirely (even if I could).
Self-care is important. Rest days are important. Healing and recovery is important.
Whilst Number Two is hyper productive, he doesn’t stop and smell the roses. He doesn’t sit and enjoy the fruits of his labour. On the other hand, Number One knows what it is like to suffer and subsequently appreciates the simpler things.
~ Zachary Phillips
My home life was possibly as dysfunctional as that described by Zachary, but for different reasons. Number One, with which I would identify most closely, is and, for the most part, has been the dominant one throughout my life. Always expressing myself through service of some sort. Seeking to do that which may be perceived as good or right. Is this just a way of finding solace from what I perceive to be the wrongs that I may have actually perpetrated {though, indeed, I have no reason, grounds or evidence to believe that any such events ever existed or occurred} or, of which I simply fear (irrationally) that I may, in some way, be guilty? It may seem impudent now, but at a much earlier stage of my life, I actually offered my own suffering, in a spiritual way, for the benefit of others. Did I thus incur a perpetual requirement for such a continued offering? I would presume that to be the case only if I think it so. However, not all reasons for perceptions are so logically founded and, as a consequence, altered.
The persona that Zachary presents as “Number Two” is not the same as the other aspects of my personality. For me the Number Two is nowhere near as well developed, though there are some positive attributes with which I can, thankfully, identify.
Zachary Phillips piece, above, seemed to develop and add “a body” to the thoughts that I initially expressed to Mumi. Those thoughts seemed to describe, in some respects, my life as it might be viewed from outside.
I would venture to say, that there is not one person who sees all three sides, aspects or dimensions of my life. I would identify them as, {in my number order of preference}: Number One, seen or viewed through the perspective presented on the forum. That persona may, to some degree, overlap in some areas, with another, Number Two, seen by people in real life, when I am outside my home. Number Three is the one that is seen only by me, inside my own living space, into which I wish no-one to enter, and is thus, ostensibly, or in reality, hidden.
The following questions arise:
Firstly, an all encompassing question; am I simply overstating a simple life problem?
Have I the personal means and capacity, emotionally and physically, to move toward and possibly integrate the three dimensions of my life?
Is it possible, or even wise to attempt such integration and if so, what form would it take?
Zachary says, “I prefer Number Two, yet I can’t shake Number One. Regardless I am not convinced that I should get rid of him entirely (even if I could).”
Would there be traps, tensions and hurdles in the process of integration, of which it would be wise for me to be aware?
What would be the benefits and possible penalties incurred in the process and the achievement of the goal of integration?
What assistance and support should I seek, for such a journey?
Where do I start?
I will discuss this statement and its content with the counsellor with whom I speak. I do have the option of speaking with a psychologist, should that be seen as an
advisable next step.
With Best Wishes,
@HenryX
