Social Spaces
Reflecting on how much my early CPTSD influenced my life long experiences of music. In early days on the forum someone was upset at me for not being able to like music. I guess I was in NO STATE to like back then. Things were just too tough for too long.
I chose structured groups of classical choirs as at least I "knew the rules". I was polite and diplomatic, but the same people in different groups were acting in gate keeper roles. Socially they have been hurtful, as I worked hard to "fit in" and actually been blocked, including by a lady who also worked at the local ED, so I felt my family's right to proper emergency hospital care was compromised. It was mainly the conductors appreciation of my musicality that made the difference, and gave me the courage to continue.
Last night a lady who had been mean, even though I had driven her home and been helpful, spoke about her psych issues and apologised. Thats helped as I was avoiding her big time. I dont start fights ever. Now I am thinking it really was not my lack of social skills that caused my problems, but lack of social capital, going back to when I was 6 at least.
Also a lovely lady I had met in a suicide assistance organisation was in audience, so I felt All of Me somehow included. I was not triggered. We could politely and gently acknowledge each other's pain, but keep it in social context of an uplifting evening of energetic and fun music.
I have loosened up a lot and come a long way since I first began posting on the forums.
How are you?
