Lived Experience Forum

[ShiningStar]

Hi @Powderfinger 

It’s so lovely to hear from you - I’ve been thinking about you today 

Thank you so much for your beautiful compliments and for sharing this part of your story with me  It’s such an honour to be invited into someone else’s world and I just wanted to gently reassure you that I’m holding your words with the upmost respect, care and compassion  There’s absolutely no judgement here and your thoughts and feelings are safe with me 

It’s my absolute pleasure to be here with you and if I could, I would definitely be your friend in real life 

Sitting with such overwhelming and painful emotions can be excruciating and my heart really goes out to you  I’ve lost count of the times in my life when the intensity of my emotions completely overwhelmed me and I just didn’t know where to put myself or how to find relief  The pain and anguish that I felt was indescribable and I struggled to find the words to explain and describe what was happening for me 

Sometimes, it can be so difficult to understand and make sense of what’s contributing to our feelings of emptiness and it can take time before we’re able to make these connections  I just wanted to say that I think that you’ve done a great job of being able to make sense about why it just isn’t possible for you to be around others at this time  After listening to this part of your story, I can really appreciate why you feel so scared and vulnerable and it makes so much sense that you’re trying so desperately to protect yourself from experiencing any further distress and harm 

I’m so very sorry to hear about the loss of your relationship - that sounds absolutely heart breaking  I can only imagine how painful it must be for you to continue to live in a space that you both shared together  There would be so many emotional triggers and it’s just so understandable that venturing back into a room that held so many memories for you was just too overwhelming 

I’m so pleased and relived to hear that there are people in your life who are reaching out to offer you the care and support that you deserve  However, having said that, I can also appreciate how this may feel really overwhelming and finding the words to communicate what’s happening for you may be particularly challenging - especially if the opportunity to communicate hasn’t been made available to you, encouraged or supported  I can really hear your frustration and distress in relation to the challenges that you’re currently experiencing in relation to this and I just ever so gently wanted to encourage you to be patient with yourself as you work towards finding a way to organise and express your thoughts and feelings  Communicating can be really difficult at the best of times, but even more so when we’re impacted by complex emotions, grief, trauma and a deep state of depression 

Absolutely  In my experience, what I so desperately needed was for people to walk beside me and sit with me in the emotional rubble - because that’s where I was  I also needed people to be patient and gentle with me so that when I felt ready and able, I could safely and freely share my thoughts and feelings 

Please know that I’m still here, sitting with you and holding you ever so gently in my thoughts until you feel ready and able to reach back 

Sending you some very gentle hugs at such a difficult time 

Take care of yourself,

ShiningStar 

[Powderfinger]

@ShiningStar 

I just wanted to pop in briefly for now and send you a message. I read your post last night. I usually respond to most posts straight away. I am finding that Im taking the time to process. It has been on my mind and you have been on my mind.  I am going to come back to it at the end of today and send my reply. Writing for me is good when I can manage it. I feel I will be able to manage it at the end of today. 

Much love

Powderfinger. 

[Powderfinger]

@ShiningStar 

I am finally able to sit down and write a response. I hope I do not overwhelm you or say too much. I tend to do this sometimes.  I will admit that the language you use in your first paragrpah is a language I do not understand. I also cannot feel what you saying in that particular paragraph. Reassured, I do believe it to be true. The words themselves just do not hit home and I can't feel the words. That is important to be said because it is not like me. I will say thank you for putting yourself out there like that. It is respected and admired. 

I am thankful you are here "online". Many years ago now, I happened to talk online with an Irish lady who was moving to my part of the world, my state and my town. I helped her out with loads of information and answered questions she may have. Spoke to her a few times then that was pretty much it. About a year later, I went to a party and wouldnt you know it, she was there. Ha ha. The only way I knew it was her was because of her accent and talking about her line of work. I did go and say hello to her and said we have spoken before. When I explained who I was, she remembered me.  She actually played a very significant part for me at that part on that night. She helped me when my current partner at the time who I was at the party with, slept with someone else that night. The universe does funny things. The universe is quite fascinating. We are friends here and that is what matters. 

I feel the same as you felt. Not knowing where to put myself and not knowing how to find any relief. I am really sorry for what you went through. If you do not mind me asking and telling me, what is it that you were having to deal with at the time?  I am exhausted though and I need a very big rest. I cannot keep going the way I am. I am now cooking some dinner and am going to hopefully have a relaxing night without really knowing what to do. 

I have a particular friend who is a nice person. I sense though that she is insecure about herself and a bit dramatic when there is no cause to be dramatic. Twice this week, a scene has been made where it was not necessary. At times, I feel similaritues with my ex. The first time, I stood up and served it back to her. What she was trying to hang on me that had nothing to do with me. It was very controlling and I didn't like it. I told her I wasn't wearing it. I am just going to trust what I felt when it happened and stick with it. Then it happened again today. I thought to myself, nope I am getting over this. I am thinking for now it is best we do not speak because I am not able to deal with it, so close to having gone through similar for a year. I wouls usually work it out with a friend, it is just that I can see that this will continue, it will happen again and it is just not my responsibility if she is not open to hearing some things from a friend. I do not like my words being twisted around and I do not appreciate being controlled as to what I say on Facebook. That is my business. If it was about her, I would understand why she would approach me. It had nothing to do with her though. It was just dramatic and controlling. I never told her that, because I knew she would use that too. I did however stand up and say no. 

It is true that I am trying to protect myself from further harm and distress. There is alos another element that I truly just do not want anyone around me. If I was to have someone around me, at this point I would be extremely particular about who that was. It is not only about me though, it is also for that person. I don't feel good about myself. I know that I dislike myself immensely and that I am also unhealthy for someone else. There are times when the most terrible things wnat to come out of my mouth and I know that is not me either. It actually frightens me too. I can feel inside of myself going very quiet and being very afraid. I can hear msyelf asking what the hell is wrong with you. It is very frightening and when you don't know why or what it means that is also frightening. 

As for the loss of my relationship, that you for your condolonces and empathy. I do struggle to talk about it most times, and then at times I can manage a bit. Yes, it was excruciating. I have been in many relationships. This was the first relationship in my life at 41 where I felt what I felt for her. I also do not talk about it much because a lot of people minimise what I say. Typical things like you will meet someone else again one day and so forth. What they don't understand is my soul. That is mostly why I stay quiet. It wasnt me just invested in the relationship and person I was with, my soul was invested too. I know I am a complex person. She had difficulty with my MI. CPTSD. I just had enough. I did my best. I cannot keep apologising for myself. 

I want to say thank you for your gentle encouragement in taking time and being patient with myself in finding a way forward to express myself once aagin. I am unsure if that is ever going to be possible. I am aware of how deep that damage goes. At the very least it will take me quite some time. 

I also want to say, you are a very gentle, caring and warm person. That is very rare to find these days. I do hope that whomever is around you in your life at this point, really respects that, treasures those parts of you and does nothing to compromise this. You deserve to have these people around you. 

I look forward to hearing back from you when you are ready. 

Much love 

Powderfinger. 

[ShiningStar]

Hi @Powderfinger 

Lovely to hear from you 

I just wanted to touch base quickly to say thank you so much for your message  and that I’ll be in touch again as soon as I can 

Thinking of you today and sending you love and hugs 

Take care,

ShiningStar 

[ShiningStar]

Hi @Powderfinger 

It’s so lovely to hear from you 

Please don’t worry about what you’ve shared - you haven’t overwhelmed me  I just find it difficult to organise my thoughts, which means that it can take me a little while to be able to reach back 

I’m so sorry that the language in my first paragraph was difficult to understand - thank you so much for letting me know  I’ve been thinking about what I wrote and I just wanted to try to untangle it a little bit  When I read your message, it reminded me of some of the times in my life when I finally found the courage to be vulnerable and share some of my inner most thoughts and feelings only to be responded to with criticism and (at times) anger and unkindness. Therefore, when I read your experiences, I wanted to let you know how much I appreciated the risk that you took to be so vulnerable and I wanted to reassure you that I wouldn’t judge you and that I would be here to listen and offer you compassion and support 

Absolutely  I believe in the universe as well and that sometimes people come into our lives at a time when we need them the most  I’ve had a few uncanny experiences myself through time, but nothing like your experience - what a small world!

Oh Powderfinger  I can’t even imagine the pain and devastation of such a deep and intimate betrayal - I’m so sorry to hear that your partner at that time hurt you so deeply 

Trying to describe the intricacies of our relationships and the depth of our feelings can be really challenging, as our experiences are so unique and personal to us. Thank you so much for sharing this part of your life with me   From what you described, I really got the sense that the connection that you shared with your partner was incredibly deep and powerful 

I can really appreciate the reasons why you stopped sharing your experiences about the loss or your relationship  I truly believe that when our experiences are minimised and / or when people respond to us with platitudes (no matter how well intended) such as, ‘it wasn’t meant to be’ or ‘there’s someone else out there’ we receive some really powerful messages that can cause further distress and make it difficult for us to be able to receive the support and comfort that we so desperately need  In my experience, it often feels as though conversations about loss are somewhat ‘taboo’ and that there’s an expectation that we need to ‘move on’ and consider the ‘positives’ of the situation and that somehow the distress and pain that we feel will magically be erased by holding onto the hope or promise of a new relationship 

Thank you so much for asking me about my experiences  For me, the feelings of not knowing where to put myself come from trying to manage all of the triggers that remind me of some of the difficult times in my life. It can be the smallest thing that sparks a memory and / or a feeling and before I know it, I’m overwhelmed with an anger that feels so raw and intense that I just don’t how to soothe myself and find relief 

I’m so pleased and relieved to hear that you’ve been able to take some steps towards taking care of yourself by cooking a meal  Grieving the loss of your relationship and living with mental health issues is such a huge emotional undertaking and it’s completely understandable that you would be feeling completely exhausted, depleted and in need of rest 

It really does make so much sense that you’re doing everything that you can to protect yourself and keep yourself safe and that this is also influencing who you’re inviting into your space and choosing to spend time with  I really like how you’re establishing boundaries with some of the people in your life and after reading what you shared about your experiences with your friend, this really does sound as though it’s an extremely appropriate and healthy decision 

I’m just so sad to read how deeply you dislike yourself  Being unable to recognise yourself or make sense of what’s happening in terms of your thoughts and behaviours can be absolutely terrifying! Being able to feel safe with others and ourselves is just so important and it can be really distressing and disturbing when we think and behave in ways that are so completely out of character for us. For me, a large part of being able to feel safe comes from being able to predict my environment, the people around me and myself. Therefore, when I find myself thinking and behaving in ways that I don’t understand or recognise, I’ve become unpredictable - which in turn results in me feeling really scared and unsafe.

My pleasure  I can really hear how scared and anxious you’re feeling about your ability to be able to express your thoughts and feelings and I just ever so gently wanted to encourage you to continue to be kind and patient with yourself and take the time that you need to be able to reconnect with this part of you 

Thank you so much for your beautiful compliments about me - I’m deeply touched and overwhelmed  I’ve been feeling a little bit down about myself these past few days and so your words were just so incredibly timely 

Please know that I’m still here, thinking about you and holding you gently in my mind 

Sending you love and hugs 

Take care,

ShiningStar 

[Powderfinger]

Hello @ShiningStar 

Good to hear from you. You are eloquently spoken. I understand processing and forming thoughts enough to write. 

Thank you for going into more depth about your emotions and feelings you experience. I had a horrific night last night. It wasnt just the nightmares. I was aware of what I was doing the whole time and couldnt stop. It truly shook me up a lot and had me shaking. I spoke very very clearly in a very loud voice. It scared me what I said. It had me feeling really more off all day. I slept a lot but just went back into nighmares. 

I also know that you like and need a lot of your own time out. You are not here all the time and it can become very draining supporting someone when you do not have a lot of energy reserves. Please let me know if you need some time out? I will respond to your post. 

I also found this article today. It is one of the most balanced articles I have read in a long time about trauma. It covers both psychological and spiritual. Usually only one side is focused on, this was a beautiful and well written balance of the two. You may or may not get something from it? 

21 Signs You're Experiencing "Soul Loss" ⋆ LonerWolf


Much love

Powderfinger. 

[ShiningStar]

Hi @Sam3 

You’re very welcome - it was my pleasure 

Thank you so much  I often think that finding a Therapist who can understand what’s happening for us (or who is committed to working towards being able to understand this) can be half of the battle, as without this, it’s really difficult to be able to receive the necessary care and support 

Absolutely - four years is a very long time! Although I realised that schema therapy was one of the longer term therapies, I must admit that I never imagined that I would still be participating in appointments all these years later! Sometimes I worry that I’ll be participating in appointments forever - especially when a year goes by so quickly 

I can really appreciate your confusion around how our unmet needs are addressed in adulthood and this is something that I’ve also struggled to understand 

Although my Therapist has explained it to me many times, it’s still one part of the process that confuses me 😊

Absolutely  self-awareness is really important! However, I think that you raised a really great point in that this is only one part of the puzzle and for change to occur, the underlying issues need to be understood and (where necessary and possible) addressed, so that we can make the changes in our lives that are important to us 

Thank you so much - I had a lovely Australia Day and I hope that you did too 

It’s been lovely to be able to connect with you 

Take care of yourself,

ShiningStar 

[ShiningStar]

Hi @Powderfinger 

Lovely as always to hear from you 

Thank you so much for your lovely compliment about my writing style  I felt really confident that you would be able to relate to how difficult it can be to organise thoughts into written words and so I knew that I could share this with you 

I’m so sorry to read that you had such a horrific night last night  It’s absolutely terrifying when we’re caught in a never ending cycle of nightmares that we just can’t seem to escape from  It’s at these times when the act of sleeping changes from being a restful, comforting experience to an experience that has the very real potential to cause fear, anxiety and distress 

I wasn’t too sure what was happening for you when you shared “It wasn’t just the nightmares. I was aware of what I was doing the whole time and couldn’t stop” and I just wondered (only if you felt comfortable and able to) if you could share a little bit more about this?

Thank you so much for thinking of me in terms of my energy  I do find that my energy is often quite low which impacts my online presence and how quickly I’m able to reach back  I have a few appointments scheduled for this week coming (which will take the majority of my energy) and so as of Monday,  I’ll take a few days away from participating in any screen time 😊  

Thank you so much for sharing this article with me  I have an interest in trauma and I really enjoy understanding both the psychological and spiritual perspectives. I will definitely take the time to read it 

Please know that I’m still thinking about you and holding you gently in my mind 

Sending you love and hugs 

Take care,

ShiningStar 

[Powderfinger]

@ShiningStar 

Hi, nice to hear from you. I think your ability to organise your thoughts and then write it down, is possibly innate. In saying that I am not entirely sure as I do not know you irl and I only have been talking to you for a short amount of time. It might be a skill you have picked up and learnt? 

I haven't had another night of those nightmares which I'm grateful for. It just wasn't needed and I truly needed someone. I was a mess the next day, shivering/tremors. You have an understanding what it can bring on. I can expand. I meant I was aware that I was doing the actions in my sleep and yelling very loudly. My brain was saying oh wow for a person that is fast asleep, it's like you are awake and your speech is so clear. You better turn down your voice a bit. I was aware, completely aware. Yet, I was fast asleep. I knew I was tossing and turning. That was disconcerting. What also scared me was the violence from me. I cannot remember much of what I said but I know I threatened to hurt someone badly.  It scared me so much. 

When I woke up the next morning I was extremely tired. I got up, tried to do some stuff but just went back to bed and dreams of her continued on. It was like that all day. I got up at 2pm and just felt really tired and petrified. So yeah that is what happened and couldn't make sense of it. 

I notice I put on a front when I have to go out and talk to people. I get back here, I shit my door, my blinds are never open and I don't want to see nor talk to anyone. 

I've realised that my voice is useless now. A lot of things are useless now. There's so much to say but no point in saying it. I have no deep urge or desire to connect with anyone deeply. I don't allow myself to feel excitement, joy, happiness. They're wasted emotions. 

Understand, not everyone can overcome things anymore at certain stages in their life. Not everyone can push past the unbelievable amount of pain they are in to be an inspiration for others. I have figured that I'm in too much of a bad way at the moment for any so called help to be effective. 

People don't want to hear bad or unhappy endings. They want positive results at some point. It's not for you they want that either, it's to feel good in themselves or better about themselves. So, they can say they did something. Amongst all that, they do not see you nor hear you. This is why I'm just retreating. 

Mostly all that's on mind is what I've been through. I have no self confidence, no self esteem, I don't need it want people's time. Why would I? I was made to feel for a year like I didn't exist. I was around but non existent. Turned on and off when it suited her. Sometimes in life that just is irreparable. Especially when that was done you as a child and an adult. I've realised I'm a broken person. People can be broken and people can't always be put back together again. It's a fact of life. 

I understand you have your own appointments coming up next week. Take your time in responding.

I do hope you get some good things from the article. 

Until we speak again. 

♥️ Powderfinger

[ShiningStar]

Hi @Powderfinger 

It’s lovely to hear from you 

I’m not too sure if my ability to organise my thoughts and feelings is innate  it’s probably just something that I've developed through time 

I’m so pleased and relieved to hear that you haven’t had another night of the nightmares that you described earlier  Thank you so much for sharing a little bit more about your experience  Moving between a state of sleep and a state of consciousness where you’re aware of your speech, thoughts, feelings and behaviours sounds incredibly surreal and unnerving  I can really appreciate why the parts of your nightmare that contained violence scared you to the extent that they did. The ferocity and power of our emotions can be absolutely terrifying - even when we don't act on them

It’s no wonder that you felt so exhausted the following day  In my experience, the type of experiences that you’ve described can be extremely disorientating and it can take some time before we’re able to regulate our thoughts and feelings  I just wanted to ever so gently encourage you to be kind and patient with yourself as you continue to try to recover from what happened 

As I read your words, I could really hear such a deep sense of hopelessness, despair and powerlessness. Sometimes, when we’ve been so deeply hurt by those around us and our experiences have left us feeling invisible, disrespected and unvalued, we lose the interest, desire and even the will, to be able to connect with other people.

Our experiences can be so powerful and when we find history repeating itself, it can feel incredibly challenging (if not impossible) to continue to put ourselves out there.

Absolutely  just as we all have a threshold for physical pain, I also truly believe that we have a threshold for emotional pain and as such, we know what we can manage in terms of working through our pain and addressing the underlying issues that have resulted in this. I truly believe that each of us holds a level of expertise about ourselves and as such, we can recognise when we’re unable to continue to push through any further 

I’m so deeply sad to read that you see yourself as a ‘broken’ person and I can only try to imagine what has happened for you in your life that has resulted in you believing this about yourself 

Thank you so much again for sharing the article about ‘Soul Loss’ It was very well written and I really enjoyed reading about the symptoms that encompass this - I found that I could relate to most of them!

Thinking of you at this time and sending you love and hugs 

Take care,

ShiningStar