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LostAngel
Senior Contributor

where am I now ? still at a crossroads

hello everyone I'll tag @bipolarbunny so um I just finished watching a comedy movie and currently have the house to myself for this week while sorting out my mental health,alot of things are just out in the open now with family even the fact I have a romantic relationship is also most likely part of family gossip,the car I was going to get didnt work out unfortunetly due to unforseen repair issues so it was taken back to the seller,Ive had so much family advice,discussions about my life issues ect an overload of information,Im seeing doctor tomorow afternoon but started lashing out verbally online to family members again today,also putting myself down again,self loathing has been the worst lately cause when I was spending time away from home with family I was having times of breaking down crying but I made sure to be out of sight while crying,also kept going out their front door to go for walks but eventually the walking didnt help the negative thoughts either,have talked to lifeline as needed especially when not feeling understood or listened to about how I feel at times,I havnt liked the fact my whole family knows my issues as it just makes me feel like lashing out more,Im particularily upset about certain family relationships that I keep messing up as a result of my negative behaviour,one cousin wont talk to me as a result the other well hes finally talking again after how Ive treated him,my very understanding aunt has kept being my saving grace as she listens and understands the most without judgement or critisim or overboard advice she simply listens and understands Im thankfull she is my saving grace cause Im not sure what I would do without her,strangely enough she herself has been diagonesd with bipolar for years now so who knows I may have the same as her as she fully gets it,doctors appointment is tomorow Ill have to write some notes in the morning for doctor,but shes nice Im sure shell help and Im ok with being on medication,Ive just felt a bit powerless at times too,my uncles girlfriend has kind of swooped in saying that me and my brothers should move house on top of everything else I dont want to make a decison about moving house and finding a car at the same time as being dianosed for mental illness to be honest tonight I feel lonely being by myself but I am safe. Ill try to get some sleep now tired anyway but Im thinking I wont tell my whole family about the docters appointment even if everyone asks I should still have freedom to make independant life choices about my personal life romantic life mental health and living situation inspite of everyones opinions of what they think Im doing wrong,and what they think Im needing to do its still my life but I dont feel in control of it and pointing out faults doesnt help even though yes family has helped to an extent some have really overstepped and then they wonder why I also react so much,Ill only tell a select few about tomorows appointment not everyone who asks and wants to know the story hope that makes sense.I am trying to look up cars for myself and figure things out and that should be between me and my doctor anyway it makes me feel vulnrable having all my mess out in the open like this and if I do decide and doctor decides medication is a suitable option well I ant telling just anyone what meds Im on either ,yes family cares but sometimes they are just as much in the wrong as I am with how they sometimes go about overstepping to make decisions and do stuff for me its my life and my desision what I do and what I need ect sorry Im probly sounding ungratefull to people again I do love my family but I dont very much love myself at the moment anyway goodnightHeart

5 REPLIES 5

Re: where am I now ? still at a crossroads

You've really been upping your self awareness. And, you were pretty literate in what was going on around you when I first came to this forum.

 

I really like it. Knowin' is growin'.

Re: where am I now ? still at a crossroads

thanks @wellwellwellnez last night I found it hard to sleep and had a bout of crying again,self loathing but more of guilt feelings,about my lack of ability to care for youngest brother,I more or less wrote an apology letter to him,before going to sleep,then I woke up this morning and cried again,feeling bad for family Ive caused trouble to,I did however have a positive last night of talking to an understanding aunt on the phone,Ill go visit her by bus next week as the car I picked didnt work out,just currently waiting for online groceries to be dropped off,Ive eaten takeaway food alot this week being on my own look at times Ive been ok but other times not,My doctors appointment is this afternoon

Re: where am I now ? still at a crossroads

Best of luck with your doctor's appointment, @LostAngel. 🙂

Re: where am I now ? still at a crossroads

thank you it mostly went well thanks

Re: where am I now ? still at a crossroads

@LostAngel So sorry my friend, just reading this now, but as you have spoken since about seeing your doctor it seems you are in a better headspace?

I'm so sorry the car didn't work out, but hang in there you'll find the right one for you. 
As far as family goes, hang in there too, take on board the positives and ignore the negative criticism (if you can) remember you are going through a very difficult period in your life right now and families although they have good intentions, they don't live in your skin. They are only looking at your situation from their perspective. So try and keep working on listening to the positive voices in your head and be gentle on yourself. Right now (and always) you need to be your own unconditional best friend. Practise lots of patience and acceptance and self love. Right now you come first! Take care my beautiful, intelligent, caring friend. You got this! Sending you big hugs. xx

BB 🐰💙

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