07-12-2018 03:35 PM - edited 07-12-2018 03:41 PM
sorry it took so long, i had to ring the chemist back for a script issue. i hope its ok if i break it down, it seems its the only way i can manage it atm. @Sans911
-How do try to be ok in amongst all of this? how do just sit with all the uncomfortable stuff? im trying really hard to just listen to you and your who i want to listen to but my mind is going off and telling me not to listen to you and that i shouldnt be here anymore, that i dont deserve the good life and i would make things better for everyone if i wasnt here.
-I found out that people have gone behind my back and im loosing clients and not others have a bad opinion of me with the horses now. the one thing that i still had ok faith in my capabilities and now thats gone too.
-One of my dreams are sitting right in front of me in the hands of the person who took it away in the first place. its like this taunting game that i cant help but have hopes for but i know that its probably unlikely.
-on monday ive got my surgical team consult to go over everything that needs to be discussed and im shite scared. i know the surgury will go ahead and its better than consant infection and pain but its not stopping that fear from creeping in.
- My emotions are really all over the place. the tears seem to be flooding everywhere even over the small things. it doesnt matter how small everything just seems to be right over the top in my mind and i just cant fight it, i can feel it all sinking lower and lower inside. Everything feels really really messy inside and just so awful.
- It doesnt seem to matter what i do it jsut doesnt seem good enough. i keep making people angry at me and i dont even know why, it just seems to be my presence. i tried to organise some home care so that i know pop will be ok throughout that week and i tried to talk to him but it just ended up in an argument. it doesnt sit well with me not having those supports in place and i cant rely on family. its been proven over and over again and honestly it doesnt bother me having a stranger come in and help. it really sounds horrible but at least they cant hold it against me either.
- the psych sessions- im questioning them. i feel like imwasting their time becasue most of the time i dont even know what to say to them or feel i cant say. she wants to work on trauma and thinks itll help me move forward but even that last session was really hard and triggerring and fought back tears. i cant walk trough a shopping centre like that.
- my studies- i still havent done that assignment. i cant get it out i still jumble everything up. i dont know why its so hard. im worried im going to fail it and then itll be another thing ive failed at. A part of me is asking those questions of why am i even bothering to do it and those sorts of questions but im trying not to listen to that and keep on the better side of things as i know there are my reasons for studying too even with all those self doubts
07-12-2018 04:09 PM
OK. I'm going to answer each point one at a time @outlander
So this might take a while but I'm not going anywhere for a little bit.
How do be OK in amongst all of this? Nobody says you have to be OK. You're allowed to loose it, you're allowed to cry, you're allowed to get angry. But what you're not allowed is to blame yourself, to beat yourself up over and over, to feel like you're a bad person. Because none of these things are true. Despite your brain telling. Despite your family telling you. All of it is untrue. You can't help the way your family treats you. But you can control how you react to them. Be the person you want to be. Hold true to your own values. Stick up for yourself. In a non aggressive way. Don't get into arguments with family. Just try to stay calm, tell them that were acting in their best interests, and if they don't like what you have suggested or what you have tried to put in place, then the responsibility lies with them. You have done your best. You can't do any more than that.
Do you really think life, people would be better if you weren't here. I think your family might realise your true value, maybe they won't. But who would I have to talk to? Who would others here in the forums have to support, guide and encourage them? Which you do so well.
If you died, I would be devasted. You have time, so much time for things to get better. I know how hard it is living in this shitty moment. It seems eternal, never-ending. But you have enormous potential. But I don't think you will truly blossom and go forward until you physically move from the environment that you're in. It's truly toxic and overwhelming.
Maybe it's time to move on from the horses. Find something else that you might enjoy. A fresh place to start anew.
07-12-2018 05:02 PM
If your dreams are in the hands of someone else, who originally took them off you-can you not take them back yourself without dealing with this person?
And being scared of impending surgery is OK. You need to tell the surgical team you're really anxious about everything, plus you're experiencing high levels of stress at home. Ask them to give you some prn medication for the night before, and the morning of the procedure. They will understand @outlander
You have a lot going right now, so it's OK to feel overwhelmed by everything that's happening. That's why your feelings are in a twist. But you're not going to be able to think straight until you settle those feelings down. And you can calm them down. You can't change how people are, what they say or what they do. All you can do is choose to how you react or not react.
Again with your pop, he's generations apart from you. He's possibly struggling with the fact his grand daughter is helping him out. He's loosing his independence, he's loosing his pride, he's loosing many things. He's unhappy and upset, so he lashes out at the closest to him. You! You've done the best you can, now he has to take responsibility. You have to have this surgery as it's impacting your health in many ways.
No psychologist should push you past a point of discomfort. It's re-traumatising you, and unprofessional of them. The idea of therapy is to have a safe environment where you feel OK discussing your fears, concerns and vulnerabilities. I think you should either discuss with Headspace to get you someone else or find someone else more suited to you. You deserve to be there as much as anyone else does. And the only person who's time is wasted is yours.
Give yourself until Tuesday to calm down some. After you've seen the surgical team. Then try to finish your last assignment. I understand it's a tough one for you, but if you keep putting it off, you'll find the due date has come and gone. You've nearly finished this course and you've done very well so far. Just get it done. And then you won't have worry about it again.
07-12-2018 06:23 PM
Thank you, I wasnt expecting that sort of response!
Its hard not to beat myself up over things, I guess it comes as a natural thing after a while...
I dont get into arguments much anymore with family, I tend to walk away but it doesnt really help anything as it still gets to me. Some of the things that are affecting me with family even the slightest things have been like magnified or something as sometimes I can walk away and im alright or I can be assertive and while that is still shit its better than saying nothing in those cases. But it really is like everything is magnified not just family but everything that is happening right now.
I dont know who I am. Underneath the trauma, the mental and physical health issues, family responsibilities and the horses, who am I? I guess no one really knows the answer to that not even for themselves. But it makes me think that if I didnt have all these things happening what exactly would I be doing, and I cant give an answer. Life would be different in other aspects so the path would be different...
I really just feel replaceable even on the forums, I feel everyone deserves so much better than what I can offer them. I love you and my forum family here and one of the reasons I stay and because im living is because of you. I want to learn and live, and share the good moments which im struggle to get many of and that really saddens me because I dont want to just ask for help which is why I just shut down a lot of the time even without meaning to.
As toxic and overwhelming my situation is, I find it so hard to leave, so hard to say no. Family is important to me even if im not important to them. I want my sisters to live a life that I never did when I was a teenager/child and for my mum to not be upset with me for ruining her 'prime' years. I just need to find a way to just 'be' both online and offline and be able to sit with the awful feelings and react differently. I need to learn to blossom even in unideal circumstances....
Something else that does get me in regards to family is my happiness, I feel like my happiness takes away theirs, it seems when I do something good or I accomplish something it takes away the accomplishments of the others. I dont like to brag either but sometimes its nice to be able to share with them that I accomplished something like my studies but instead I feel embarrassed over it. Sounds stupid right...
The horses in a way I dont want to give up, it makes me happy (even though it is really hard as I cant do much riding anymore) to see the kids riding and happy and enjoying their horses and hearing real laughter. Which is also where my dream comes in, I owned a horse for close to 10 yrs but when mum and her ex broke up because I didnt have evidence that horse was mine as it was on lease at the time with them they had every right to take her away. I had her since a foal and raised and trained her, an unbreakable bond and still is as I was lucky enough to pat her over the fence about a yr ago. She really means the world to me. This horse was offerred back to me to a few days ago, to which I said yes but she would need to come off the property where she currently is and now they are reconsidering and they said they would get back to me.
Ok sis, I will tell them how nervous I am and how stressed I am too. Im not sure how strong their meds will be as im going to have to catch the train on my own in the morning of the surgury so I cant be too out of it. I dont know how long its going to take for these to settle down as on tuesday I will have a womens health test and because I had an unusual reading last time if it comes back this time then they have to send me to a specialist and thats another thing weighing atm. Everything just seems so scary right now.
The trouble with the psychologists is ive only got the 10 sessions and weve been trying to work out how to use them effectively and when I struggle to talk about much at all the next thing is to work on the source of the issue but im worried about doing that and how itll tip me over the edge as last time I tried that I ended up a lot worse. She is trying her best to work with me and instead of going back over the story she is going to try other things to help me move forward but ill still need to talk about it in bits and pieces.... im so stuck on what to do with it all. I want to move forward but I dont know the right way to do that either. Yesterday I froze, I was bloody terrified and it brought on so much of my guilt about not being able to protect my sister from the incident. There was a loose dog and she said can you get rid of it so I could get out of the car and I froze. I couldnt move and I couldnt breathe. Its still really affecting me to this extent so it makes me question that maybe biting the bullet will be best. Shes already given me homework for it but im not doing it until after christmas otherwise its way to much.
Im going to try and just work on the assignment in bits. The ones with the word list I can say one word then pause it regroup then say another so it might take longer but it might be a good start before my time runs out...
Thank you for being here with and for me sis, it has been really hard to open up like this. So I appreciate the time youve taken to be here and to respond as you have and also bring those emotional tears but the thankful ones
07-12-2018 06:57 PM
07-12-2018 07:03 PM - edited 07-12-2018 07:12 PM
i totally get it sis, financial stress really really sucks. i so wish you werent in this position @Sans911
Your boys will be ok, they have enough for now as long as youll be ok too. Is your hamper being delievered today?
do you have many plans for this weekend?
If you need urgent assistance, see Need help now
For mental health information, guidance and referrals, see the SANE Help Centre
SANE Forums is published by SANE Australia with funding from the Australian Government Department of Health
SANE Australia ABN 92006533606
PO Box 226 South Melbourne 3205 Australia