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anger is not healthy for anyone

The journey with my child with an eating disorder continues.  We have dipped to a dangerous low and I am so angry because I can see the darkness at the end of the tunnel.  Although my daughter feels I am directing my anger at her, I tell her that it is just me being scared of the outcome.  I am scared that she will not be able to follow her dreams for an independant life as well as what will happen when that time for hospital admission arrives.  I'm directing my anger to firstly the mental health professionals who, after having developed a relationship with her over many years, decided they werent qualified to help her with her condition.  We no longer hear from that professional unless I reach out to her in desperation. They said they would be 'in the background' but that is not even happening and if it is we certainly havent heard.  They really had a good connection and I can't believe that we have been dropped like a hot cake so effortlessly.  

As a consequence my daughter refuses to see anyone that may be able to allow her to to open up and discuss her mental health issues.  The psych she was refered to was ineffective and once my daughter decided that there was no connection or allow one to develop that was it.  We now only see those that are dealing with the physical side of her illness.  But I am dealing with both sides and I am finding it very stressful, hence my anger.

My daughters 'friends' are behaving with a total lack of empathy, even though she had supported them through some issues in the past. Including her in 'normal' social interaction would go a long way to making her feel better about herself.  What 18 year old wants to hang out with their parents?

I know there is nothing more I can do.  I have tried every avenue to get help.  I've even gone to support groups which was worthwhile, but ultimately my daughter is the one with the condition and she is the one who should be going to support groups, not me.  Emotionally drained and not much left in the tank.  Sorry this is just a vent.  I know that this is a far better place to do so than at my daughter or my family.  Take care everyone.


Re: anger is not healthy for anyone

Hi @Twinings,

I'm not sure we've met on here before, so it's nice to meet you, despite the challenging circumstances that you're going through. I can't imagine how frustrating it is to not have your daughter's health professional's communicate with you. It sounds overall that there is a lack of support for both and your daughter, and this has had repuccusions with your daughter building rapport and trust with her health professionals. 

May I ask what state you're in? The reason I ask is because we might be able to refer on to specialist organisations that supoort people with eating disorders such as Eating Disorder Victoria. Though, there may also be more approrpiate youth mental health support for your daughter depending on how she is. Another service that you may want to look into is Headspace.

Supporting someone with an eating disorder is challening. As you mentioned that there is both the physical side, and the pyschological side. @Faith-and-Hope has a partner with an eating disorder whom she has been supporting for quite sometime. Also, @Louise,  @Janna@Barbara. @Former-Member care for their young adult children who have mental ill health. Perhaps they can offer some advice here?


Re: anger is not healthy for anyone

Hey Twinings,

It sounds like you are trying to do all you can for your daughter and are frustrated and worried about the lack of external support for your daughter. It is good to hear that you have found some solace in support groups not only for yourself, but also for how that helps you with your daughter. It is important to look after yourself.

Although it is extremely frustrating to have a mental health professional have a lack of communication with you/your daughter, a lot of people who have recovered from an eating disorder say to us that they at one point had to switch mental health professionals because they were not suited to them and it is not uncommon for people to switch mental health professionals. I would encourage you not to lose heart, people who have recovered often experience setbacks but often it is the support from their families that gets them through. You are right both the physical and psychological side are very important to recovering from an eating disorder and there is hope for people who are currently experiencing an eating disorder. 

We're from Eating Disorders Victoria, if you would like to call us for support or you would like to encourage your daughter to call us as you mentioned she is fairly isolated from her friends, we are available weekdays from 9:30 to 5:00 on 1300550236. You could also email us if you like at just to talk/vent. 

Re: anger is not healthy for anyone


i know this is late but I've only joined the forum very recently. Also I'm not sure how to navigate the forum properly yet, so I'm only starting to find people in a similar situation to me. But trust me I know how you feel.

this is our second go fighting an ED.Our Oldest daughter was fully recovered about 6 months after diagnosis. We were lucky that the disease and the accompanying mental illness didn't have a strong hold on her. Unfortunately this is not the case for my second daughter, she is currently weight restored ( purely because she spent 2 weeks in an adolescent mental health unit) but her mental health is terrible. Since October last year she has only spent about 6 weeks at school. The rest of the time she is with me and I'm burnt out, my marriage is suffering and I'm acting crazy!!!!

I had my first cigarette in 20 years the other day, hoping that if she knew I was smoking she would eat as she would feel guilty about driving me to smoke. It didn't work, I felt sick and she refused to eat unless I handed over the cigarettes to her dad, who looked at me like I was nuts.

What keeps me going is that I've seen the Maudsley program ( the treatment she's having) work and also being under 18 she can't refuse treatment.  I realise that my reply holds no answers for you but hopefully you find some comfort in the knowledge you are not alone.


look after yourself ! 







Re: anger is not healthy for anyone

Thanks @Hank for sharing your story.  I'm sort of a bit off and on the forum at the moment because the inevitable happened and my ED daughter had to go to hosptial for emergency surgery.  I'm told that the removal of part of her stomach may not have been due to her ED but she had no other physical health concerns and I believe her body decided it had to do something drastic.  Having a smaller stomach will also impact on how much she sadly ironic is that.  The way the hospital system treats people with mental illness has been another eye opener for me...but thats another thread.

How incredibly sad that you have had to go through this illness with two daughters.  The toll it takes on everyone is massive.  I must investigate the Maudsley program.  We have been crying for help for 6 months now and have been underwhelmed by the support we have been given by the professionals.  At the moment we have been waiting to be linked up with an ED clinic at the same hospital she is in for her surgery, to provide us with support.  After a week, and after repeated emails and pleas to them, no one has come to see us or my daughter apart from a very young social worker.  A lovely girl but if only she paid less attention to how her hair sits and looked me in the eye while she spoke to me I'd probably have more faith.  That is really quite unfair on my part, but symptomatic of how jaded you can start to feel. 

As my daughter is now 18 we don't have the same control over her journey, hence why we have been tryng to get some one to see her before we leave the hospital.  I'm hopeful that this whole experience may have jolted her into wanting to fight the disease but I'd be foolish if I thought that it could be that easy.  Again it is just providing support, and energy which as you know we don't have in abundance.

Will check in every now and the.  But one thing I will say...stay off the ciggies Smiley Wink

Re: anger is not healthy for anyone

Thank you @CherryBomb. I have been in touch with Eating Disorders Victoria and Headspace, both amazing organisations. But it is my daughter who needs to reach out. I'm hopeful that after this health scare she has had recently that she will do so. x

Re: anger is not healthy for anyone

Hi @Twinings


just checking in to see how your daughter is and how you are.


this disease is so so horrible and even with all the support in the world it is so hard to fight.


my daughter has all the support she could want. The RCH's adolescent health ward is brilliant, and the eating disorders team absolutely committed to getting her better. She has a phsychologist, 2 x psychiatrist,  care co-ordinator, paediatrician, and when on ward a nurse 1:1. But still, is she getting better? at this point no.


sometimes I get so angry with her because I feel she is throwing all the support and help back in people's faces. This sounds horrible I know.


Im so sorry about your daughters health issue, know doubt this will have an effect on her recovery. Hopefully, if you've managed to make contact with ED clinic at the hospital they've proved helpful, or at least offered some support.

Stay strong ( easier said then done I know, I'm locked away in my room at the moment feeling sorry for myself, but I've not succumbed to another ciggie)





Re: anger is not healthy for anyone

Hey @Hank I'm really glad to hear you've had a great experience with the treating team at the hospital. Hopefully this continues for you!

For others who are looking for support around eating disorders and body image issues, check out The Butterfly Foundation for great support and referral information to other services near you.

Re: anger is not healthy for anyone

Hi @Hank

The RCH sounds fantastic as far as what they are able to provide sufferers of ED.  We had a dietician come and see my daughter yesterday but unfortunately she reminded her of a very condescending teacher at her old school.  ED people can be so sensitive they sometime cant see the wood for the trees, if that makes sense.

Yesterday was a really bad day. She is refusing to eat some things that are nutritionally vital because she doesnt like it.  My husband had to walk out as we all became angry.  He says he is not coming to visit until her attitude changes.  I cant blame him really.  As you mentioned, it feels like they are throwing everything back in everyones faces.  I become angry when she still wants to call on me for emotional support but wont return the favour to me in making the right choices.  I guess that is the nature of the condition.

Today we have a couple of people from the hospitals ED clinic coming to speak to us.  My daughter is terrified that she will be admitted.  But she has proven that being scared and being so unwell wont change her attitude to what she needs to do to get better.

My support of choice is a glass of good wine, so I am in no position to lecture anyone on what they need to get through. Our strength and energy is being used up by someone else and we do whatever it takes to get through one day at a time.

Stay well and keep in touch. x


Re: anger is not healthy for anyone

Thankyou @Former-Member

I will be looking into a change of professional help when we eventually get home and will look into the foundation.

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