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paulk
New Contributor

When to walk away and protect yourself

Hello, I am new to this forum.  For the past 10 years I have been dealing with two children who have been diagnosed with BPD.  Cut a long story short, I had a very messy divorce in 2008, my X is a diagnosed narcissist who after a brief affair and leaving me with 3 young children at the time, decided that she wanted to move back into the family home.  This did not happen, and unfortunately for the next 7 years she made my life and indirectly my kids life hell.  Parental alientation occurred in spades, she unilaterally moved the kids away (behind my back in 2011) and finally once I had a court hearing nearly 3 months later the kids were classified as being in a stable environmnet albeit forced by the courts.  What occurred during the next 6 to 7 years I am just starting ti find out now.  All 3 of my children had a very difficult time, domestic violence by my X's partner, kicked out of home by the age of 16 to fend for themselves, and all three have various forms of substance abuse.  Each time one of my children reached 18 they came back to me to restore their lives and get away from the toxic environment they were living in, but no matter how hard they tried they could  not break away from their mother and her influence over them.  When I started to get treatment for my children, helped each of them find jobs and re-connect with my family their mother ultimatley became jealous and at times enraged with the kids, and would undermine all the good work done.  This always ended badly for me, both my older boys put me in hospital (assault) and I was forced to sever relationships with them.  My daughter the youngest (19) finally came back to me at the beginning of this year.  She landed on my doorstep (so to speak) with substance abuse problems, alcohol abuse, SH, bulima and untreated BPD since the age of 16yrs.  The past 6 months have been a nightmare, after getting the right psycholgists involved, organising psychiatrist appointments, helping her get a job I was just not strong enough to help her overcome years of addictive habits.  Over the past 6 weeks my daughter has had 4 car accidents, she has ridden off her car, my car and was lucky not to have been seriously injured.  I suspected in each occasion that she was heavily intoxicated.  Two weeks ago she wanted to drive a loan car clearly under the influence (of something) and I refused to allow her to do so.  In response dhe was sucicidal and I was required to call an ambulance, and our wonderful medical system deemed that after 2 nights she was no longer a threat to herself and released her from hospital.  A week later, she again wanted to drive her car heavily intoxicated and I had had enough, I warned her that I would call the police if she did so and all hell broke lose, she self harmed, ran around the house and street yelling hystercially and contacted her oldest brother (he also has unreated BPD for 8 years).  He arrived to pick her up and became abusive and threatening towards me  So much anger and hatred in my family.  However I have decided I can no longer do this, for many years now I have been the sponge for all my childrens anger at what happened to them while they were estranged from me, I often get accussed of not "saving: them when they were younger from all the problems they had while living with their mother.  For years I tolerated this, but this time I have chossen not too.  I also have got smarter, inevitably in collusion with their mother, they all have made up allegations about me, none have ever been found to be true, but this always involved police involvement, search warrants of my home allegations againsit my partner (to her work she works in education) and much much more.  I got smarter and had security cameras installed, this captured the whole incident last week with my daughter and after she did not get her way or admit to her actions (wanting to drive while drunk) and wanting me to apologise to her, she did the same as her other siblings and alleged assault.  Thankfully this went no-where and after a strong repremand by Police she disappeared for 4 days.  I recieved a call from her yesterday saying she forgives me, needs my car (today) and wants to move on as long as I accept responsiblity for my actions.  Needles to say I have heard this many times from my children.  I am well aware of the symptoms of BPD, triggers, substance abuse issues, behaviours and management of it.  However, I have HAD enough, you cannot help someone with BPD, when one, they refuse to accept help, refuse to accept responsibility for their actions, and lastly and this maybe more relevant to my case, an external force (their mother) egging them on and purposely encouraging them to ignore advice (she is very much against mental illness and medication and has drummed this into my kids heads from a young age).  I know like many of us I will go through each day hoping she is ok and has not harmed herself or others, I know I go to sleep each night hoping that I will not recieve that dreaded late night call from the Police, but I have to move away from them again.  It does feel like failure, as a parent especially a father and his "little girl" you want to protect them and keep them safe, but not anymore to the determent of my mental health and my physical health, ten years is enough.  Lastly to our wonderful Mental Health Service, take BPD seriously, the number of times I have heard from Dr's and Psychiatrists that people with BPD should not be institutionilsed drives me crazy (tongue in cheek).  THE BPD  may not be treatable in hospital, but when a person with BFD has substance abuse problems, is an alcoholic by 19 and harms herself (SF) everytime she does not get her way clearly means she needs help that a family just cannot provide.

4 REPLIES 4

Re: When to walk away and protect yourself

Hi @paulk,

Firstly welcome to the forums and thank you so much for sharing your story. You have been on a really devastating journey.

Putting in boundaries and making the decision to keep yourself safe after so many years of challenging behaviours must have been so difficult. I can still hear how much compassion you feel for your children.

 

I would really encourage you to have a look around the carers forum if that appeals to you. Here are some threads that may be of interest to you:

 

A 'closed' discussion that can't be contributed to now on supporting people with both mental health issues and substance use problems here.

A few discussions on experiences of supporting family members with BPD here by @Determined and here by another contributor.

 

Lastly I am wondering if you have heard of Carers Australia? They are a free support service that offers a number of supports for people supporting loved ones. I believe they do support groups, counselling, and a helpline which I've put below:

Ph: 1800 242

 

Take care,

Tortoiseshell

 

 

 

 

 

 

Re: When to walk away and protect yourself

@paulk I only "liked" your post as a sign of respect, as I cannot like the difficult journeys your family and you have endured.

I agree.  Sometimes enough is enough. 

BPD does need to be taken seriously. Some MH practitioners are trying,  but in the meantime, many suffer.

Take Care

Apple

Re: When to walk away and protect yourself

Hi @paulk,

Welcome to forums and thank you for your courage in sharing your story. Im sorry to hear about all that you have gone through and are going through. Realising and accepting that you cant help someone who doesnt want help is such avery hard thing, especially after investing som much energy and emotions into trying to support ther persons recovery already.

 

Be gentle with yourself at this juncture @paulk. You derserve support right now. Have you ever tried any support services that work specifically with the family members of people with mental health challenges? Or looked into seeing a psychologist or counsellor? 

 

It sounds like now might be a time to re-shift your focus back towards yourself, your own needs and your own healing.

Re: When to walk away and protect yourself

Hi Chamomile

Thanks for your email and kind words. Yes I am receiving support and
counselling as I mentioned in my post unfortunately this has been going on
for many years and I have realised that I am part of a very dysfunctional
cycle which I have allowed myself to be part of. This was like a light bub
moment, albeit very sad realising that this was my kids (and ex).

I love them all very much, but need mow to look after myself, hard to
adjust but this needs to happen, none of my children are young anymore,
young adults to middle age adults, and I have to let go and let them do
what they wish. I will always be around for them, but I cannot stand being
the one responsible for all their actions and mistakes, and then expected
(demanded) to fix their problems and if I don't then all hell breaks lose.

PK
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