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Zoe7
Community Guide

Want to forget TW

Sometimes we can be enjoying the simplest and nicest of things and we are reminded of our past. For me that came yesterday. I was lucky enough to be attending a concert - something on it's own that would have been tricky for me in the past but it was a Christmas present and I was actually looking forward to it. It was a beautiful day and we had found a great position to set up for the day and evening. About half way through the day I had someone tap me on the shoulder - it was actually a nice surprise as it was someone I knew but had not seen in a few years. I knew his Mum - she both taught me and also was in the same sporting club many years later, and I taught his daughter. His Mum passed away a several years ago and we stayed in contact for a while afterwards. This is a person I actually like - he has been through some tough times and I think we connected on that level as well previously.

 

The conversation was lovely and we were all laughing together (in such a lovely way that I have not laughed for a long time) then out of the blue he brought up someone I absolutely detest. I don't know where it came from as this person is older than both of us but I suppose I should not be surprised as we all grew up in similar circles. He tried to continue the conversation but I could not help but say just how I felt about this person and could we change the subject. My sister was also there and to begin with she was going to have a go at me for being so direct but I think she then cottoned on to just how uncomfortable I was feeling and maybe knew why. This person was not one of those that had abused me for so long as a child but he was no doubt aware of it as he made my life just as impossible when he was around. I was just a kid but that did not stop the comments and implications directed towards me. I was just as scared of this person as the boys involved.

 

I had just the previous day spoke to my psych about leaving things in the past and then something like this happens. We had talked about what I do when triggered but this was an exception circumstance. I cannot generally hide the pain when it is so bad - I felt so sick at the time. I know my sister picked up on it but my old acquaintance was drinking a bit so really did not ...I am actually grateful for that. 

 

Last night was a really hard night once I got home. To make it worse - I have been sick today and had to come home even before the day started at work - so there have been a lot of tears, a lot of sleeping and a lot of thoughts swimming around. I am having tomorrow off as well - whether I am well enough to be there or not physically, I know I am mentally not. This has been a massive hit and I can feel the effects both physically and mentally. I know it will pass in time but I feel that so much has been happening over the last year or so that my cup is empty. 

 

From here I am unsure 'where to next'. I can feel the world closing in around me - yesterday is probably a culmination of so different emotions, so much grief, so much loss and so much to keep wading through. The beginning of this was 2 weeks ago when I saw a new pdoc and had to go through so much in such a small space of time. I felt okay in the moment doing so but it is always afterwards that it hits. My psych acknowledged this and just how hard it would have been ...I went straight back to work after the pdoc appointment and my psych has no idea how I had gotten the strength to do so - I don't either because it was incredibly hard ...but like most things - I push it away and try not to deal with it ...the result is I am where I am now - triggered massively by what happened yesterday, finding my head all over the place and wondering how I am going to find that place I was once at. ...it will be okay but a little extra support right now would help.

248 REPLIES 248

Re: Want to forget TW

Oh @Zoe7 .. I am glad you came here to express what's going on...

 

I can hear the pain but I can also sense conflict regarding trying to hide the pain and manage the emotions of something traumatising. When do you say you feel the world is closing in, What's the emotion with that? 

Re: Want to forget TW

Thank you so much @AussieRecharger I really needed that support tonight and am grateful you have stopped by 💖

 

That is a very good question - I can actually physically feel the pressure ...as if the walls are closing in on me. That is something I could physically feel earlier on in my recovery and it was frightening. The pressure seems to then build up in my body ...especially my head.

 

As for the emotion ...that is not an easy one to isolate ...mostly fear but it is more the physical sensations that affect me.

Re: Want to forget TW

Good evening @Zoe7 ❤️ 

 

Thanks for sharing this tonight and being clear that extra support would be helpful ❤️ Is there any support in particular you'd find helpful?

 

I really relate to the experience you've shared. I had something similar last week actually. I still haven't been able to pinpoint the exact cause, but my resilience has been slowly chipped away over a number of months. So when something triggered me for the first time in a long time, it was shocking. While I logically knew I hadn't gone "backwards" and the feelings would pass, emotionally it was so hard not to think that. I needed a very slow weekend and two days off work. It helped me feel what I needed to feel. Something I never would have done a few years ago. 

 

Just wanted to drop in and say you're not alone going through all of this. 

 

 

Re: Want to forget TW

Hey @TuxedoCat I have actually utilised the drop in service tonight and that was really helpful. I can't remember the last time I needed to do that so to know it is just as wonderful as ever is a credit to SANE.

 

I can hear you completely understand how difficult it is when these things happen out of the blue. I never contemplated any triggers for yesterday (which in itself shows how far I have come) so to be faced with such a massive one has been quite distressing. It is not that I will not get through it mentally but more the physical reaction that has floored me. I do think that being unwell at the same time has contributed but that does not take away the fear that this will lead to a greater fall. When I got so sick many years ago, it was the ongoing illness that sent me down the spiral and I could not cope with the MH side of things. That in turn sent me into a very dark place and I can see the signs now also.

 

One day at a time maybe is all I can do for now.

Re: Want to forget TW

Hi @Zoe7 

 

As they say 'it happens - there are triggers everywhere and they are so hard to avoid - mostly because we don't know where they are until we walk into it - like an IED - and what do we do about it?

 

If you detest someone - remember - you have a right to your feelings and if it is appropriate - say so out loud - as you did. It must have been very hard - I am glad you sister was there to help out even if it did take a bit of time for her to catch on. 

 

Honesty is the best policy where there are so many memories that bring back memories you want to forget, I had an experience of that recently when an old memory of the past was brought to light - as does happen - one of the girls who had been cruel to me in the playroom of the house where I was being baby-sat jumped back into my memory - uninvited when I answered a questionnaire on childhood trauma. She was my Sunday School teacher and i remember gazing at her with hatred - I don't I learned anything about religious kindness during the sessions I had with her. The truth is - I don't have to have kind thoughts about what she did. I forgot for - like - 75 years - still - those feelings were just as strong.

 

So - I get it - I hear you - when your friend brought up this memory it brought back the past and really threw you. I'm glad you went home from school today and hope you can get some rest. It seems you don't know what to do with the feelings that have arisen.

 

Certainly - your cup is empty - it will take time to find your feet after such a sudden and unexpected trigger. Give yourself time. You have not failed in your endeavors with one painful reminder - cut yourself plenty of slack and catch up with yourself

 

And no emotion is bad - it just is. It's what we do with our emotions that allow us to grow. You were hurt by this person - a memory sprang into life - it's just a memory. Sometimes I think memories are harder to deal with than the events.

 

 

I'm sending my love.

 

Owlunar

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Re: Want to forget TW

Unfortunately @Owlunar I am up in the middle of the night after finally getting to sleep earlier. Those memories have a way of invading our soul and continue to be hard to get out of our head. For me the fears of sleeping and the nightmares have been prominent again. This has been happening on and off for the past couple of weeks and has really affected me some days. I should not be surprised as it has been a lot to deal with going over so much and having those unexpected triggers happen. It will reduce in time so I just need to hold on and get through for now the best I can.

 

I am also not well physically. So glad I made the early call to have tomorrow (today now) off from work as I have also been up with physical pain also. We both know one leads into another so it is all playing havoc with my emotions and wellbeing.

 

I hear you about the memories. This one is not one I had even thought about in so, so long. This person had not even entered my mind in all that I have dealt with so it was a real hit ...but being reminded of him was really hard. Being in the position I am in and doing the work I do, there are always triggers everywhere - but not this one ...it was a real left field one. I know it is in the past and I know I will get through it but just like your recent memory of the Sunday school teacher - it hurts. Some people are just not nice and we are allowed to have those feelings we have towards them. I do hope you are able to work through yours as I have to do with mine 💖

Re: Want to forget TW

Oh @Zoe7  I am sad to hear 😞 Triggers are so shocking as we are not prepared. Well done for speaking up to your friend about this person.

 

I'm glad you are taking today off work and I hopoe you can take as many days as you need. I hope you can sleep better tonight.

 

A new psych too - how difficult. 

 

Sending you heaps of good wishes 💚

Re: Want to forget TW

Thanks @NatureLover I did not have a good night but feeling a little better this morning. Hoping to be okay to go back to work tomorrow. 

 

The new psychiatrist is really lovely and I felt comfortable with her but it was so hard going through everything. At the time it was okay but as with most things - it hit me once I left. I have certainly felt the after effects with ongoing nightmares and with what happened on Sunday I certainly have had a lot going on. 

 

I will get through it - feel a little better today already but also know it is a process and there will be good and not so good days ahead. Need to take it a day at a time for now and work through it when I can.

Re: Want to forget TW

Dear @Zoe7,

I just finished reading your post - your words convey your pain and the intensity of what you have been through. My hearts goes out to you - it's a lot, and even the strongest can only handle so much. I'm sorry that your day that could have been so enjoyable ended up triggering you and sent you into such a difficult place. 

I am glad that your sister cottoned onto your feelings and didn't push you. I'm also glad you felt able to speak up for yourself and share your truth even though I understand it caused you so much pain in the moment and afterwards.

I really hope you are okay and I really hope you feel supported at this time. Please keep reaching out if you need to - I hope you know how many people care about you and value you on the Forums.

Sitting with you at this difficult time my friend.

FloatingFeather 

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