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Daughterdid
Senior Contributor

Victimology

Purely my own experience here.

 

eudemonism's post about victimisation has got me thinking about how my entire life has been spent in the isolation of focusing on how very few people I have endured the level and particular flavor of abuse that I have. After awhile I stopped trying to explain why I'm so different and strange, all the while searching for one single person that would hypothetically listen or possibly could understand and help me. I realise now that all it's accomplished is further isolating myself in a world of my own creation, where I'm always going to be unhappy and no one will ever understand. Proving that my own beliefs are real. 

I look back now and laugh, because it was my abusive parent that said it best: "Instead of looking at all the ways in which you are different from others, why don't you look at the ways in which you're the same?" She wasn't capable of taking that advice, but it has stayed with me all these years.

There's a tendency to think that because no one has been through the exact same thing I have that the advice and techniques people offer and employ won't work for me. And, in turn, I've noticed that often, those who have had it worse than me can't use my life experience to benefit them, because they don't think I understand, or they're just as convinced as I am that nothing can change. And I'm not sure that any of us can truly, deeply understand anyone outside ourselves, but we can draw on similarities to stop alienating ourselves and find hope. Feels like that's what this place is about.

It's sad that the very thing we've been told, that we aren't worth drawing breath on Planet Earth, is the very thing we feed ourselves once we are on our own.

I've thought I needed a plan tailor-made to my specific condition. And sometimes I think it's more important for me to feel like something novel than to feel better. And depression doesn't want you to feel better, so...there's that. But the older I get the more I realize..everyone's experience is unique! That makes us common in our uniqueness, and that's what I should focus on.

I've secretly wanted someone to say "No one is in as much pain as you and it all could have been avoided had this person not did this to you, so you're off the hook. And my pain is nothing compared to yours! " Thanks, whoever, for seeing that. Now I can go on being unhappy and be justified for doing it. Ha! That is my victimisation!

It's like putting a rainbow together with all the colors that are unique to me. And black is my favorite color, and no one gets that, so I've been like no I don't need those other colors you're offering. But black looks so good with purples and greens and blues. And yellow. Oh, and red and orange. And the more I let other colors in, the more I like what I'm seeing.

 

 

6 REPLIES 6

Re: Victimology

It's unbelievable how many things got better that I thought were permanent, things doctors told me would be with me until I died, when I have taken action and stopped seeing myself as a victim. When I stopped using the doctor's diagnoses as an excuse to do nothing because nothing could be done. When I stopped waiting for that one medication that was going to make everything all better. No medicine can do that, they only make certain aspects of certain things better.
A really good medicine is to change one tiny little thing. Just one. Just one instance of self-care, one small instance of working on something that makes me feel better. Everything is connected, and when one little thing is put in place a lot of other things surprisingly improve, and even slight improvement is a step towards feeling better.
In the end I only really have myself to depend on because no one knows me like I do, and no one ever will. So..it's up to me to work on doing all I can to improve what I can, and find it in myself to work on coping with what's left.

Re: Victimology

Hi @Daughterdid  Welcome to the forums if you're new - and hi anyway coz I haven't met you before.  I love what you've written - poignant and profound.  Small changes - baby steps - are better than no change at all.  Sending you strength, courage and wisdom  

Re: Victimology

Love your glowy lotus eth. Feeling the vibes, thanks!

Re: Victimology

Hi @Daughterdid,

Welcome to the forums. I feel very moved this morning, reading about your story of survival. Look forward to seeing more posts from you. Your bravery and insight is inspiring.

 

The challenge that you have identified, of trying to find ways to challenge the internal abuser that can be just as punishing as the actual abuser who may no longer be around to the damge themselves, is powerful stuff.

 

Can others relate to this?

Re: Victimology

Thanks for the welcome @Chamomile, and for your understanding.

Re: Victimology

I can definitely relate to what you say @Chamomile. Self-blame and shame along the journey to recovery are hard to put to rest.  @Daughterdid there are several of us on the forums that have survived abuse in different forms.  I'm sure you will find support here.  I won't tag them coz it's best they choose whether or not to disclose themselves.

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