Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Feelinglost]

Firstly thank you all for making me feel so welcome
And let me apologise in advance for what I think will be a lengthy post as I think once I start I won't be able to stop.
It all started about 4yrs ago when my beautiful funny, witty, popular 18yr changed virtually overnight to a sullen, uncommunicative very angry young man.
I will mention that this was also around the time I met my now husband, for 15yrs prior to this I had been bringing my son up on my own, with the help of my wonderful Mum
Although when I think back his last few years of high school were riddled with disruptive behavior and generally being in trouble with teachers, but I put this down to teenage boy syndrome.
My son has a huge problem with anger management and has what I call episodes, I have learnt to recognise when one of these episodes is imminent as he becomes erratic, his speech becomes faster and he speaks absolute rubbish, big noting himself and making plans to do things that will never happen (this could carry on for days or only hours sometimes) from here he gets angry and his anger is frightening, I have never been frightened for my safety but definitely for his!!
I will now mention my absolute gut wrenching fear as a mother, as my son is obsessed with cars and has been since early teens, during any one of his episodes his first angry reaction is to get in his car and roar around the streets this has led to lots of trouble with the law.
After the anger subsides there is remorse, and thats heart wrenching, as he sometimes sobs like a baby but generally just withdraws from everything.
I feel terrible saying this but my heart sinks every time my sons number comes up on my phone as I dont know if he will be swearing his head off in a rage, sobbing like a baby or even just ok just calling to ask a question.
At this point I can usually calm him by talking calmly an as logically as possible ( this can sometimes take hours, as he hangs up on me and I have to keep persisting by calling him over and over until he answers my call)
He has told me often how he just doesn't want to be here anymore although has never attempted to take his life, I fear that one day he may if things get to overwhelming he has told me before in one of his depressed states that " its about time I man up and do something about this"
He has a court case in 5 days for assaulting a police
( I do belive he verbally assaulted the police as he called me during the arrest and his language was horrific, but he is all of 57kgs and his physical violence has so far been limited to punching holes iñ walls and doors etc)
He has been to psychologists before and due to the impending court case a psychiatrist - the reports say possible explosive anger disorder ( he was medicated by a GP with a mood stabilizer but stopped taking it as he said he couldn't feel any emotion) possibly bi polar disorder and excessive marijuana use.
I unfortunately cant speak to my husband about any of this as he thinks my son is lazy and ungrateful (lìving under our roof but not contributing to the household at all)
Lastly I will mention my son is a heavy pot user as in his words "its the only thing that maķes me feel normal " he has tried on numerous occasions to quit but the episodes are constant so he reverts back.
I will finish by saying I feel stretched to my limits, I'm constantly on eggshells trying to keep the peace between my husband and son and keeping my son stable
Im feeling so lost I don't know how to help him or me or the strain this puts on my marriage
Anyone any advice please

[Janna]

Hi @Feelinglost and Welcome!

I can certainly feel for you and can relate as I have a similar aged son.  In the early days of my son's MI he also exhibited a lot of anger and would lash out by throwing objects, smashing things, etc.  Strangely that stopped when I called for an ambulance after he locked himself in a bathroom and I heard the sound of breaking glass.  Unbeknown to me calling an ambulance for someone acting violently also initiated police involvement.  My son was OK, other than a small cut on his hand, but was forced to be taken to hospital for a mental health assessment.  He was only 15 at the time.  After waiting in the ED for hours he was eventually assessed and allowed to return home with me with no further outcomes.  He has never acted out like this since, other than the occasional burst of anger and all I can put that down to is that he learnt that there would be serious consequences to behaviour that crossed boundaries and compromised his safety.   Thankfully his anger never left the confines of our home, mainly because he didn't leave the confines of his room.  He is almost 18 now and has been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and social anxiety disorder.  He is a compliant patient and takes his meds willingly and attends most appointments for therapy and reviews. Hopefully your sons recent experience with the law is an experience that he will learn from.   On that note I'd like to suggest that you also need to know when enough is enough, or when his anger outbursts compromise the safety of himself and/or others and know when it is appropriate to call authorities.  It's not something a parent wants to do, but safety always comes first.  I would be very concerned if my son had a car and licence because a young person with unstable mental health and a set of wheels is a lethal combination.

Recreational drug use is very common amongst young people, regardless of any MI, but even more so with a MI.  It's a little contradictory that your son has chosen to go off meds because he couldn't feel any emotion, but smokes pot reguarly as a form of self-medicating.  It often takes a long time of experimenting with different meds and tweeking dosages to get the right fit for a person.  You need to encourage your son to comply with meds and report any negative or adverse reactions to his treating doctor so that the meds can be adjusted accordingly.  My son's meds are still being tweeked after years in our effort to find the best therapeutic match.

It is very difficult to get other people to see beyond the external behaviour when dealing with MI.  I was subjected to exactly the same judgements from others with regard to my son and copped an earful of negative remarks (and ridiculous advice) insinuating that he was lazy, taking advantage of me, etc, etc. Most of this eminates out of ignorance and fear about MI.  The best I can suggest to remedy this is to educate your husband on MI and somehow get him involved.  Perhaps some sessions of counselling together might help.  You need to get him on board as a support person and the best way of doing this is to include him rather than shut him out.  Be honest and open and express your need to have his understanding and also listen to him.  Not including him, or feeling that he doesn't understand, is a sure way to build a big wedge between you and place a lot of strain on your marriage, which in turn could have a knock-on effect on your son.

If at all possible you need to encourage your son to continue seeing a professional and to comply with treatment.  MI is not something that gets cured quickly, if at all.  It is a long-term process often combining meds with therapy.  

In the meantime in order for you to remain strong throughout this you must ensure that you throw in a hefty amount of self-care along the way.   Also seeking help for yourself can help enormously.  I've been in therapy for as long as my son has and it has often been what has made the difference between not coping and coping.  In that regard I have been fortunate that both my psychologist and his work out of the same practice and both of us have signed confidentiality consents to allow our therapists to communicate with each other.  So in many respects it is almost like family therapy, but not, and on occasions we do have joint sessions.  I think it also works well because it shows my son that he is not that "abnormal" and that "mum" also has some problems that she is working on.

Please use this forum as well.  Sharing your story amongst people who understand also helps enormously.

Take care

Janna❤️

[Feelinglost]

Thanks Janna for your reply
The advice you have given is fantastic but alas none of it is working for me
I spend unlimited hours trying to talk my son into staying in therapy but apparently they are all "d...heads" and dont know what they are talking about and a waste of money because he knows better.
My husband will barely let me speak his name without getting angry or sulky
You are so lucky your son is a compliant patient (although not lucky at all to have a child with a MIL)
thankyou for reading my very long post and taking the time to write to me
I feel comforted just knowing I'm not alone 😚😚

[Janna]

Hi @Feelinglost

I'm sorry to hear that you aren't able to convince your son to engage in therapy.  Fortunately, I had the good sense to take my son to a psychologist when he was 14 due to his anger outbursts and refusal to attend school.  Children at 14 are a hell of a lot more compliant than an 18 year old.  For the first 2 years his therapy was not that great.  He was completely shutdown and refused to speak.  His answer to everything was "I don't know".  Luckily through persistence he became accustomed to the routine of it and became familiar with his therapist and slowly but surely a therapeutic relationship was formed.  He now considers his therapist to be like a friend.  Therapy is not for everyone because it requires honesty, vulnerability and committment.  Perhaps the therapist was not a good match for your son or whatever.  Nevertheless, at 18 there really is no point forcing the issue as he clearly does not want to go so I'd recommend not pushing the idea any further and allow him to make his own decisions, be they right or wrong.  I have found with my son that a good dose of opposition enters into any situation in which I insist, attempt to coerce or repeatedly recommend something and that he often becomes more amenable if I state my case and just leave it there for him to mull over for a while.  However, therapy and taking medication are two different things.  It would be great if your son would at least continue taking medication, but again this is entirely his decision.

If at all possible I would still highly recommend seeking counselling for yourself and your husband.  It sounds like you could both benefit from this.  He appears to have built up a lot of resentment and anger towards your son and with anything to do with him.  That can't be healthy in a relationship.  Perhaps shifting the focus of counselling from your son to your relationship.may help.  Many men hate the idea of counselling and have an adversity towards anything which smells of talking, emotions, life issues, etc.  In that regard they are very different to woman who generally love to talk, get validation and express their emotions.  Given this, if you do chose to venture into counselling, you would have to initially place the focus on yourself (which isn't entirely untrue).  Perhaps if you express that you are struggling and would love it if he could accompany you to see someone, this may be an inroad.  

Regardless of your son or husband's choices, I would still recommend you seek some support for yourself.  Your situation sounds very difficult.  Do you have any close friends, or even one close friend, you can chat to on a regular basis?  Feeling supported is very important when faced with difficulties.  At the end of the day you are doing the very best you can do.  We don't all get good outcomes - in fact despite my son sounding like the good compliant patient, he still does not leave the confines of his bedroom, has chosen to forgo his education for years, is reluctant to do anything which removes him from the home, etc.  As frustrating as this is I have to just accept that it is what it is and just be here for him.  Sometimes our greatest distress comes from trying too hard to actuate change.

Take care

Janna ❤️

[Shaz51]

Hello @Feelinglost 

I have been thinking of you today , hope everything is ok  , sending you hugs

Hello @Janna xx