Lived Experience Forum

[Whiteknight]

People....can be the biggest challenge of all of our problems we face in life.

Do you trust people straight after meeting them or a short few meet ups with them. Do you think "this guy/lady is really nice" then automatically trust them only to find out later down the track that they are toxic to your life and you have the ordeal of pushing them out of your life? Then you dont learn from that, the same process remains time and time again.

At 62yo I am still that way inclined. This makes me really vulnerable to hurt. I've observed other people in my life do otherwise. Some trust nobody, some only their spouse, some only after a long period of time. So what is the issue here? Why would anyone trust someone immediately and regardless of getting hurt every time, continue to remain that way. I can only guess. Maybe you have an answer?

My guess is twofold. Character and lack of wisdom.

Having a mental illness often means that we lack certain abilities that are commonly normal. We might also possess other abilities not in the common spectrum. For example, many with mental illness have unique abilities like- painting, entertainment, adventurers, mathematics and so forth. But we can also be absent with what I call "street wisdom". An inability to be aware of some threats to our well being. We might also have memory loss from our illness and/or medication/trauma.

IMO lack of this street wisdom means I am not able to solidify my techniques in meeting friends. I cant implement an attitude of "dont trust him yet, wait until I KNOW he is trustworthy"...which is the more common thing to do, the safer way. Another example could be that our behaviour is such that people at a social event think, due to our actions, think we are attracted to them when we are just being friendly, or maybe we put foot in mouth a lot which is common for some of us. So what can we do about this trustworthy issue or any issue that we are deficient of?

• Keep new friends at a time distance. Reduce our contact with new friends so we can assess that friendship better with time.
• Subtley ask friends about that person. Get to know them through a third person.
• Communicate with a few probing questions
• Realise that this new friend is just a part of your life and not throw yourself into new friendships

With foot in mouth disease contemplate the following

• you dont have to answer someone straight away, you can pause to think. If they ask you to answer say "yes, I'm thinking about an answer. Dont feel that you have to answer if you dont have one
• Apologise immediately and explain why you said what you said. If ther eis still objection then say "I made a mistake, do you make mistakes"?
• Think before a social event about the company you will be with. "I will limit my time with Bill as Bill tries to dominate me and makes me uncomfortable".

That is just two examples. The message here is strong. That is to accept yourself for being how you are at the same time try to make alterations in your life with planning and owning up to your flaws. If that is not accepted by some then the better way to combat that attitude is to confront- put it back on them for not being tolerant nor understanding.

Far better to do that than locking ourselves in our room while the aggressive dont give their actions/words  a second thought. This is better also because we equalise the attacks on us. It isnt easy but over time I've been on the lookout for those that criticise me for who I am.

So, we might have a deficiency in our make up that makes us vulnerable. That isnt our fault. We have to try to learn ways of countering that within ourselves but not expecting too much of ourselves. This is the best we can do along with therapy to assist us on our development of our character that really is set in stone. In the meantime draw a line as to criticism. If such is fair and well delivered fine, if it is unacceptable and has the potential to upset your daily health then counter it with equal force.

That's standing up for yourself. That's countering our vulnerability. That's our way of surviving in society and you would be doing yourself some favours.

WK

[Appleblossom]

It is wonderful discussion of the issues @Whiteknight

I tend to be the trusting type.

As an adult I decided it was a more positive approach than being suspicious or cynical, but the getting hurt again and again wears thin.

I am very slow at coming up with good responses, but less naive.

I also am older and tougher now and also believe in balancing out some of the social forces amongst more aggressive individuals.  

I have found that few like to own up to their stuff.

Sometimes it is a question of finding like minded people where there is less chance of conflict ...

but people being people ... some conflict does tend to raise its ugly head ....

[adamthiel]

Nice thread, it totally depends on you if you feel lke trusting then and only then trust otherwise don't. Because trust has to be earned we can't trust anyone we meet.

[Whiteknight]

Hi @Appleblossom
Re: "I have found that few like to own up to their stuff.". I find that also. Gone are the days when people owned their errors. I dont know why that is.
I'm also more aware being older.

@adamthiel
My problem is that I cant help but trust people well before I should. Its beyond my control to change that mindset. I've tried, hence other strategies to implement to make it possible.

Thanks for replying
WK

[BlueBay]

Hi @Whiteknight
I find it extremely hard to trust my family especially my mum. I don't trust her one bit.
Friends - mm not sure. I think I'm really scared of getting too close for then been rejected or abandoned. I have one or two close friends I do trust but that's it.

[BlueBay]

Especially @Whiteknight when someone hurts you so much - how can you ever trust them agsin.

[Whiteknight]

Hi @BlueBay
Re : "Jun 2
Especially @Whiteknight when someone hurts you so much - how can you ever trust them agsin". I've struggled with this also. Family doing actions of revenge or poor behaviour. But I'm a forgiving person and overall I'm glad i am. Except for my mother and her favourites in our family.

So there is a line that shouldnt be crossed, no matter who they are.
WK

[BlueBay]

Hi @Whiteknight
Re yesterday's post. I'm sorry if I came across angry. I was not coping last night and was lashing out and crying. It was a bad night.
I'm still really angry at my mum and don't know if I can ever forgive her for how she treated me.
I'm normally a forgiving person but there are some people who don't deserve forgiveness. Even the 3 guys that sexually sbused my as a 9 yr old - they don't deserve forgiveness.
You're right there is a line that shouldn't be crossed.
I will never forget what those disgusting guys did to me snd I'll never forget what my mum said to me when I told her snd how she is treating me.

[Whiteknight]

Hi @BlueBay
Hey, thats fine. I understand as much as someone should when they havent experienced anything like what you endured.

What happened to you wasnt your fault. You were an innocent child, pure in mind, vulnerable in spirit and wonderful as any child is. Those robbers of your innocence were evil.

You have a right to exercise you judgement on others with their actions, verbal abuse and inconsideration.

My threads are generally adaptive meaning not specific. So they might not suit every occasion.

But you are correct. You do not need to forgive. Remember my fortress of survival thtead written here in this forum, you can push people out of your life that dont provide you love care and empathy.
WK

[BlueBay]

Thankyou my friend @Whiteknight. At the moment I'm struggling with a few things that happened in my childhood. It's so traumatic to have to relive it. But I'm slowly hopefully getting there. And eith the help of this forum the members like you.
Hope you have a nice day. Any plans?
BB xxx