Lived Experience Forum

[Mickleaa]

The reality is whatever happened to me as a child was not morally, ethically or in any form my fault. Being an abused child I have been held captive for most of life with the guilt regarding my reluctant involvement. I have always believed that should I have spoken about it, the perpetrator’s family would disintegrate, or harm would descend upon my family members. I have feared I would lose more by telling than not.

At ten years of age depression was not a word I knew, or an emotion I had witnessed, but I knew there was something wrong. My life had changed and it was not for the better. And it has remained so for the past forty-nine years. The peaks and troughs throughout my life have at times been far too high and suffocatingly low.

The wound was not visible so there must be nothing wrong. Hard to get close to so I must be weird. No girlfriends when I was young so I must be gay. The fits of uncontrolled anger, therefore I must be a left alone or shunned.

When I finally had the nerve to open up about my experience, I was shunned by family members and told by one sister to not say anymore as it would hurt/embarrass the family. So that proved to be a waste of time and a slap in the face when I thought I belonged to a close knit family.

As Kermit famously said; it’s wasn’t easy being green.

Each day I count my lucky stars that my wife came into my life. I know for a fact that without her love and constant support I would not have made it this far. She is without a doubt the beacon of light in what has been at times a stormy life.

There is still a number of mountains I need to climb, but for now I guess I need to stop apologising for my slip-ups and outbursts and taking the blame for the mistakes of others. It is almost impossible to move forward while being anchored to your past and that is what it is; just the past. You cannot change it, you cannot rewrite it the way you would like it to be; that chapter is closed.

I write these things to get it off my mind and out of my thoughts. I do not seek sympathy or plaudits for speaking out. We are today a result of our past, but we do not have to be held tied to it. Guilt is the responsibility of the perpetrator and not the victim. What occurred in the past is not a life sentence. I know it is hard to do, but we need to move on with our life and look forward to writing a new chapter.

[Kurra]

So true @Mickleaa.
We can't change our past but we can certainly make our future what we want it to be.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Mickleaa

Thank you for sharing your story and thoughts on the past being just what it is... I am glad you've shared your story, you never know who may read and feel less alone for having shared, who might feel less.. different or broken because they had similar experiences and can deepen their own understanding that they are just reacting normally to crap that shouldnt have happened. My deepest beliefs about myself are still fused with the damage that was done to me.. those are my mountains i suppose at the moment.. in order to change the future i need to rewrite the lessons learned in the past.

I hope that being here on the forums helps,

LJ

[MoonGal]

@Mickleaa - I have found that the past abuse is fused into my very fabric and being and while I try just to live the best life I can the damage is there and bit by bit I am unpacking it and trying to make sense of it. I am in my 50's so its a lifetime of baggage. Recently I realised I am ALLOWED to acknowledge that I am in pain and am ALLOWED to have pain and help, that what happened to me was terrible and I used to feel guilt for not being a better daughter to my Mother - but now stand free from that, but uncomfortable because I am not yet sure what I am allowed to feel and still have to interact and have a relationship with my Mum who is now living with dementia and says some incredibly hurtful things (thoughtlessley, no intent to hurt or harm, but these things DO hurt).

I don't know what a future looks like, I have difficulty imagining what it could look like, really. But I thoroughly get what you are saying. If we can move on and up then that would be good for us.

[BlueBay]

Hi @Mickleaa

Thank you for sharing your story.  Mine is very similar.  After 30 odd years I remembered i was sexually abused by 3 people (2 were family).  My parents (or my mum) told me 'how dare you wait 30 years to tell me and that I have betrayed the family".  The abandoned me 6 yrs ago and still not talking.

What is done is done; i know that bit cannot be changed. But the bit that I struggle with is why did I just go there; why did the family members do what they did on a numerous times. I am in my 50's now and i still struggle.

I am so happy to see you have a fantastic wife who is your shinning star and the support she gives you is fantastic.  

I have mountains to climb as well, but just one step at a time; slowly slowly you will get there.

Next chapter of our lives - it has to be much better than the last chapter. 

All the best, happy to chat anytime.  take care.

[supernova]

Hi @Mickleaa,

Thanks so much for sharing your story and welcome to the Forums.

I hear such an honesty and wisdom in your words, perhaps distilled out of reflections on some really difficult experiences that you’ve been through.

We’re glad you’ve found us and look forward to having you around!

All the best,
supernova.