Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

I grew up a person of the mind.  I was a brilliant student at university and had a bright future 

ahead of me in the law. Then I fell victim to Schizoaffective disorder and lost my ability to attend law school.  it felt like a synaptic betrayal of the first order because my own cells were attacking my future.  My mind which was my greatest prize was falling apart and I had absolutely nothing to say about it.  Coping with the antipsychotic meds and the new normal of paranoia and social awkwardness seemed more than I could bare.  Does anyone else here feel like their synapses betrayed them right when life started getting good and if so, how did you cope and make it back to some version of good? 

[Queenie]

Hey there @Former-Member. I have schizoaffective disorder too and in the prime of my life, I also suffered a synaptic betrayal. I had a successful career and a home that was to be proud of. It hit me hard and I lost everything. I was forced to resign from a job I loved, I lost my home and all my possessions and wound up homeless. It is interesting as you refer it to as the term 'synaptic betrayal' because it describes what happens so well. I was at first diagnosed with deep depression, then one evening it was like my brain just locked onto this faulty signal and bam! That was my psychotic episode. I remember it so well. It breaks my heart sometimes thinking about what I've lost in the process... family, friends, my sanity. I was always thought of as a logical thinker and suddenly I was caught up in the irrational... only at the time it made perfect sense.

I have no magic words to offer you unfortunately which will lead you back to recovery. It is a life changing experience and although I still have bad times (I am recovering from a relapse at the moment), i know with time, it does get better. I haven't been hospitalised in quite some time (which in itself is a small miracle considering it used to be every few months). I think all the medication and therapy in the world can offer you so much, the rest is up to the individual who has to want to recover. I was so caught up in the 'disability' that I forgot how to 'live'. Thankfully that's not the case anymore.

I don't think we've 'met' before, so I wanted to say hi and welcome. There's a few out there with this diagnosis who I'm sure can relate to synaptic betrayal. 

[greenpea]

@Queenie Hi Queenie, hope you are doing okay in respite and Hi and welcome to @Former-Member .  Queenie Interesting you say you remember your first psychotic episode I remember mine too clearly. I was in my kitchen quite psychotic and then bam in my head (like my head exploded) I could hear people screaming at me I thought the place was bugged ... I will never forget it.

[Queenie]

Hey @greenpea little pea, I am home again from the recovery centre. It was good but my welcome home again wasn't so good (I'll post about it later on the I Feel thread). 

[greenpea]

@Queenie Sorry to hear that can you tag me in please 😞

[Former-Member]

Thank you for your reply, it was very insightful.

[Former-Member]

I remember my first psychotic episode too.  I got paranoid that my parents were spying on my for the government.  I was terrified and hid from them. I was only 12 at that time and I did not have another episode until my 20s.  Very peculiar.  

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member Your title "synaptic betrayal" is a sad and beautiful summary of the experience.  I probably have schizoaffective but not fully diagnosed as yet. My first psychotic break was complicated by a drug interaction.  

I also relate strongly to valuing my life of the mind.

I would encourage you not to give up hope in life or yourself.

Yes, there are problems when we cannot completely go along with our instincts, and seem to be divided against ourselves, but I believe a wholistic working through your specific life narrative will help.

Dont throw the baby out with the bathwater.  Work with your strengths, but go gently with your weaknesses.

[Former-Member]

Thank you for the encouragement Appleblossom! It was poetic and absolutely spot on.

[PurpleDoor]

I can relate. I've had psychosis twice, and it feels so unfair that I can't explore my potential in the same way as colleagues can. I wasn't quite back to 100% after the first round before the second round hit. It helped me to talk about some of the humiliating aspects with a friend.