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Techunique
Senior Contributor

Some Questions I've Wanted to Ask For a Long Time (quite possibly triggering)

So I have been wondering about each of these for a while. Sometimes I go into these massively stressful loops where some aspect of something just keeps reocurring in my mind. For instance, I recently added a friend on Facebook whose last name is four syllables and I don't know how to pronounce it. I went to sleep at about 9 pm and woke up amost two hours ago at local time of just before 3:30 in the morning. it is now 5:26 and the entire time I have been awake my mind will not stop running through seven different permutations of pronunciation possibilities and syllable emphasis. Klebesedel, kleBesedel klebeSedel klebeseDal so on and so forth, all seven of them in about a second and a half and then it repeats without even a hint of a pause. This happens with all manner of thoughts, and in memories of every different sense, I'll obsessively remember series of tastes, sounds sights, smells and feelings for hours or days on end and then it just suddenly stops or switches to something else doing the same thing. anybody else do that?

 

Also, I was wondering if anyone else has ever had an experience which they can only describe as alien. Two or three times in my life, maybe more that I can't remember, I have had a waking experience which did not correlate to anything that can be described because there are no words for the type of input I was receiving. They were like being born on a different planet, I couldn't tell you better than that, it was like my eyes tongue nose etc had been magically replaced with other sense organs that did not give any of the same information whatsoever. During these, I am told that I performed some very strange and varied activities of which I have no memory. I'd elaborate but I have reached the limist of what I can say without being definitely triggering. Does anyone else have a similar story?

 

Does anyone else feel like a second class citizen? In America, my country, there is a humungous insane homeless population ever since Ronald Reagan closed all of our state run mental facilities. I don't know if that is responsible, but there is often fairly degrading talk about insanity in pretty much all American media and conversation. People regularly say "don't listen to him, he's crazy" and the like. Horror Films are often about the insane here. Even compassionate people are likely to dismiss the concerns or struggles of an insane person and an insane person's rights in America are often trampled under in ways which would be Extremely triggering for me to recount. Looking back through history I could very easily find you Dozens of cases where sane people abused or outright murdered the insane in institutions and these paltry dozens account for tens of thousands of insane people's lives either horrible altered or ended with impunity in my country in the last one hundred years. Our President John Kennedy's sister was forced into a frontal lobotomy which prevented her from being able to speak and that was less than an average lifetime ago! Is this type of treatment a world standard? 

 

Lastly, I was wondering if anyone had, during an episode, ever popped out of lunacy for a couple heartbeats and just had a horrible awareness of how well you were going to remember this particular second of madness for the rest of your life? I've got maybe a dozen or so of these, most in a behavioral health unit in a hospital, being, for lack of a better term, stark and raving and then the ten seconds that I remember clearly of feeling small and weak, hurt and confused by my own actions and utterly disgusted that I knew even in the moment that I would remember this more clearly and more often than my first kiss, or the last time I saw my father. 

 

I really hope that these questions were not responsible for any negative reaction in your day, I've tried my best to word them in a manner that will emphasize how I felt when I developed them and also convey the sense of what I wanted to learn while being as discreet and sensitive as possible. I apologize if I have distressed you in any way.

5 REPLIES 5

Re: Some Questions I've Wanted to Ask For a Long Time (quite possibly triggering)

Hiya Techunique, cool handle btw.  I'm in the downunder here but I have obsessive weird stuff too.

Yep, the wheels just go round and round and I want it to stop.  I'm Buddhist, so I use methods from mindfulness.  This can be hard work because I have to focus on the stuff that is unpleasant in my thoughts.

Its like shovelling dung.  While standing under the biggest horse.

I have to put on gumboots and raincoat and shovel for my life.  Gumboots are waterproof boots.

I get strange sensations.  I just have to accept them, try to file them under 'strange'.  Big file, only priority events are actioned.

I get treated like a lunatic by people.  Again, protective clothing.  I get in a lifeboat, metaphorically.

Ride out the storm, stay safe, take bearings, and row for land.  Sorry if that sounds facile.  I've been crazy for a long time and I tell myself stuff like this.

I was going to address the 'moments of clarity' but thats just more of the same acceptance.  File under 'useful'.  Collate and action.  Sounds like platitudes again but its hard work.  For anyone.

As to how, I only have what works for me and it might not work for you.  Meditation and mindfulness.  And take my meds.  Thats all I got.

Re: Some Questions I've Wanted to Ask For a Long Time (quite possibly triggering)

hey @Techunique,

thanks for sharing your expereinces and thoughts. I hope sharing (after wondering about them for so long) has been helpful, and perhaps calming for you.

 

Re: Some Questions I've Wanted to Ask For a Long Time (quite possibly triggering)

@Techunique. Yes I have 'episodes' when I'm trying to sleep where my mind focuses obsessively on one topic/problem & until I find the answer, I can't sleep.
Often I will Google the question. Why not type into Google "how to pronounce ........". It will come up with an answer. When I get an answer, then I'm able to sleep with no further worry.
Yes there is a lot of Stigma around Mental Illness (MI). Most of it is complete rubbish. To those interested in learning, I give a story of my experience. To those who don't want to learn - I don't waste my breath/ energy.
SANE Forum has a division which tries to educate the media about incorrect and damaging stigma.

Re: Some Questions I've Wanted to Ask For a Long Time (quite possibly triggering)

Hi @Techunique,

I was just checking-in to see how you are sitting with all of your questions and thoughts at the moment? Has any of your thoughts or questions around anything changed or developed?

 

Kindest,

Amour_Et_Psyché

Re: Some Questions I've Wanted to Ask For a Long Time (quite possibly triggering)

Not changed so much as gelled. I am and will always be a schizophrenic, a depressing realization but freeing. My medications were steadily degrading my grip on reality and I have given them up. Instead I analyze and accept or deny every thought and piece of sensory input based on whether I find it to be actually reality upon reflection. It's exhausting but I am functioning well. Many of my newer acquaintances were shocked to learn I am schizophrenic. Dividends, small but palpable dividends
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