Lived Experience Forum

[Whiteknight]

Commonly with mental illness we lack mental strength. This strength is essential for self protection in many ways throughout our lives. If we lack mental strength eg to be decisive, face people, go shopping alone and so forth, then we have to rely on other people to pick up on that loss.

Where it becomes a real problem for us is many of us cannot place boundaries on our lives nor enforce them. If we, for example, want to stop a relative from emotionally abusing us because we are a soft target for their narcissistic behaviour, we find we cannot find the courage to fight them. We are well aware of the consequences of such conflict- guilt for losing a member of our family can take years or even our lifetime to overcome. We do not hold the capacity to convince ourselves 100% that we are justified in our actions of facing them. And they know it!

We dont seem to know what "fair" is. Is it fair for me to complain to them that they should not give me unwanted marital advice? Is it fair for me to criticise them for their lack of knowledge about mental illness and their comments about it (Eg "get over it"), am I fair to feel isolated when my friends talk behind my back about my illness saying I'm faking it? 

I've had the classic example in my own life. My mother, undiagnosed BPD (denial) was destructive and unpredictably so. One week prior to my first wedding she ruined it. For many years I could not come to terms as to why. Nothing made sense. Nothing I did was worthy of that.  Like many topics it was out of bounds to talk about it. I had no knowledge of mental illness at the time either. No one thought she had a MI- just left a train wreck where ever she went. Eventually my father passed away and I was her number one support person and I did all the things a good son does. But I was never good enough.

26 years later my second wedding came about. I longed for an uninterupted day. One month prior to the day she set off a chain of behavioural events that made me question if she should be invited to our special day. My adult daughter informed me that her grandmother threatened to ruin our special day set to be at a park in a country town. That was when the boundary was broken, my limits were exceeded and action was needed.

It was a solomn time in the court house. To take your mother to court for an order stopping her from being within a certain distance of the park on that day and near us for a full month. The magistrate, holding my application also had a letter from my mother. "Do you feel comfortable in making this application against a 79 year old woman"? he asked." Absolutely your worship" I answered. clearly he had no concept of my ordeal of my first wedding nor the mental fear of her rocking up yelling out loud ruining our day. "I know what's in her letter sir, I'm satisfied of my actions and only desire a calm happy day at my wedding that I'm entitled to". In that letter would have been comments like "his father would roll over in his grave" etc

He granted the order. We had a good wedding day although the fear remained with me up until the vows was over.

I received three letters after that time from my mother. Each letter was returned unopened...return to sender. I had robbed her of her power. Since then half of my relatives, those she has convinced, have disowned me and my sister. The other half have better memories of when she had interfered in their lives during will contests, expectations and manipulation.

I haven't seen my mother for 8 years and wont ever. Those boundaries were set to protect my life of which I am entitled to have, trauma free. My difficulty was the knowledge that although she has these damaging traits she was a nurturing mother when I was young. That's the tough bit. But I'm not responsible for her behaviour and lack of desire on her part to seek medical help, for that she paid a price.

Relatives and friends often make comments like- "you'd be there on her death bed though"? or "but she is your mother"  I have a standard reply. "With my mother nobody knows what its like to be her child unless you are her child. I was owned by her, she was jealous of my happiness, she tried to rob me of my delights in life. A true mother doesnt do that"

So, that example was told for you to also make your own boundaries to save what little happiness you can muster in your life.

Can you set boundaries to protect yourself? 

WK

[BlueBay]

@Whiteknight
Reading this seems you had written about my mum. But my trouble is I still haven't blocked her.
You see 8 yes ago when I told her I was sexually abused as a child by three different guys she yelled at me and said "how dare you wait over 30 yrs to tell me, how dare you". She was yelling and wouldn't stop. I tried to tell her my side of the story but her comment to me was "I don't want to hear your side of the story". So after more verbal and emotional I got up and left. Sobbing I went home. Didn't speak to her or my dad for four yrs.
I wanted a mum who would give me a big hug and tell me it's ok I love you. Things will ok. You are ok niw. But that's not what I got. I felt so abandoned by my parents and sbused yet agsin by my mum.
She is toxic and won't change. She controlled my life up until 8 yrs. she controls my dad.
Mums are not meant to be like this. They are meant to be caring nurturing and loving.
I've missed out. And it hurts.
I'm so sorry white knight your mum treated you the way she did. But am glad you put a boundary on her fir your wedding.
I feel your pain. It does hurt.
BB xx

[Whiteknight]

Hi @BlueBay

I get annoyed at people that dont self reflect and are in denial about their own mental illness. Apologies to any member that has BPD. It's a terrible illness made worse if no treatment is obtained.

I dont know if you mum has BPD because their are many reasons why some parents belittle and own their kids even when they are adults.

Google   hermit witch queen waif

They are the 4 characters of a person that often has BPD as discovered by Dr Christine Lawson. My mother has all four and chronic at that.

Then you can google "mental illness of the children of BPD mothers"

Such sites can make sense of all this. Illnesses that me and my sister have are common if we have a mother with chronic BPD like bipolar and anxiety and of course depression.

Your mother was flatly wrong to discard you and not comfort you in your darkest hour. There is no excuse but of course your forgiveness levels are your alone. When my father was alive, a great man but unfortunately a doormat, she manipulated situations that threatened our relationship with him. He was her greatest weapon.

As mature adults it takes a huge step to do as my sister and I did. But we are old enough to know right from wrong and pidgeon hole people that act unacceptably in our lives. We have to be proactive if we strive for a life with the least trauma.

If you can hold your mother to arms length and survive the relationship BlueBay, then you are better off. Unfortunately in some circumstances it isnt possible. That's life, you roll with the punches, you lose family, you fall out with others and you try to survive best you can. Since my sister and I have lef tour mother we have been so happy, we have each other and we are strong and firm. We also make sure we and our children do not follow in our mothers footsteps and make our presence over bearing to our kids. We are not objects to own. We are not adults that have unreal expectations placed upon us.

Such attitudes are a carry over from Victorian or Edwardian times.In Tassy where my mother was raised on a dairy farm in semi seclusion, she was raise dof course by her parents that were born in the 1800's and they were the subject of ancient techniques with their children. They ruled their kids as adults. My mother has an extremely infantile emotional level. I read somewhere that some people can have a emotional level of around 6-8yo. Her reactions, even stampling her feet and threatening to swallow bottles of pills when I was 9yo (brother 12, sister 4) is a vivid memory of someone desperate yes but emotionally attention seeking in the extreme with such young children. Yes its sad, but not as sad as her simple responsibility of seeking mental health assistance many years ago. And that is her fault.

I hope you have got your relationship back on track but frankly some parents do things that are not easily forgivable. Nurturing and comfort are such essential acts.

[BlueBay]

No @Whiteknight after four years of not talking we made up but that lasted only a year. While I was in a mental health hospital she called and agsin sbused me over the phone saying the same things agsin. She then said to me "you have betrayed the family" with thst I hung up the phoned and sobbed so much that the nurse had to give me something to calm down.
A few yrs later and last September I decided to call them to tell them they had a new great grandchild. I don't know what possessed me to call her. We are now on talking terms but it's never going to be the same. She is still talking behind my back to my sister and vice versa. She plays "poor me" all the time. She is one of 10 children she being the oldest. She had to work at 14 to help her dad support all the kids
I know she is jealous. You know white knight she and dad came to my house last week after 8 yrs and when she saw our new house she did not say a word. Not you have a nice home I'm proud of you guys. Nothing. My dad commented. But she said nothing. Snd less than an hour she piped up and said well we better go now. It was the most uncomfortable visit ever.
Part of me never wants to see her but the problem is my dad. I love him so much. If I don't see her I don't get to see him.
See is a witch. She is domineering controlling jealous mum. I wish I had a different mum.

[Whiteknight]

Hi @BlueBay

Re: "I wish I had a different mum. "  You can!

About 12 years ago I was wondering how to make my poetry effective and to benefit others. I decided to assist victims of crime. but I didnt want to join an organisation. So one day I read of a murder and I drove past the cemetery I thought was where the victim was buried. I walked around and came across a lady grieving at a new grave. I asked her who she was. She was the mother of the victim.

We talked and I asked if I could write to her. I'm still writing, 12 years later. Poems, around 60 of them have been sent to her. She is in fact 5 years younger than me. But she is a mum figure.

I also have a couple 4 hours away I grew up with. He is my dad figure and she is my mum figure. They lost their only child many years ago. They are 14 years older than me. They know I'll be there for them if one passes away or gets ill.

Yes, you are doing the best thing for you and your dad. I understand that dilemma very much. I can only suggest you centre your attention on your dad and his well being and not ignore your mum but not give her the attention she craves.

[BlueBay]

Thsnks @Whiteknight
It's so nice to know you really understand xxoo

[BlueBay]

@Whiteknight
Forgot to mention - I am a fantastic mum to my 3 adult children. Snd I have an 8 month old grand daughter. I spend as much time as possible with her, give her so much love, play with her in the park, read her books. Just give her unconditional love.
None of this my mum ever did with my children. She was and never is close to her grandchildren. Something that I have changed. I will NOT be like her with my children and grandchildren.
BB xx

[BlueBay]

Hi @Whiteknight
How are you?
Need some advice pls.
Have you ever felt numb? No emotions. No happjness no sadness no tears. It's a weird feeling like someone has ripped it all away from me. I was crying every night before going to sleep but the past week there are no tears there is nothing. A blank space It's weird ........
BB xx

[Whiteknight]

Hi @BlueBay.
Not really
The only feeling I had that is close to that is shock. I had that when told by a nurse my dad had passed away.

I suppose 10 minutes before I a0roached my solid feelings if suicide it was there also. Like a feeling of peace, calm but sad ...like a resolution had arrived, that nothing else mattered. Thankfully the thoughts of my then two young daughters came about.

Other than that no. I think staring into blank space, no tears, remaining quiet etc could be a time of rest whereby you arent conciously thinking about anything.

What do you think?
WK

[BlueBay]

I'm not sure. I think because I've always been able to cry at night feel the sadness and now I can't. For whatever reason I don't know. I'll prob let my psychologist know when I see her. Msybe because every session with her we've been talking about my childhood trauma and it's been full on for me with sobbing and shaking fir an hour that now there's nothing. Msybe I'm so stressed my body has had enough.
I'm so run down getting sick quite a bit lately.
I don't know it's never happened before.
Thsnks for your reply 😊