Lived Experience Forum

[Whiteknight]

Many of us mentally ill have abnormal sensitivity levels. I think on this thread we can tie in guilty feelings also. They hurt, they debilitate and basically they have far too much negative effect on us, our day to day lives.

All of this burden would not matter if we didn't have a super long memory to boot. As we grow older we reflect upon our lives, the past, that damn past, that we cannot change and it annoys us so. My good neighbour I observe a lot, his comments on his past, any regrets and so on. "Oh, I don't tend to regurgitate those thoughts". This good man I use as my gauge to normality, his is the closest to it in terms of managing his past life and it isn't a clean life as none are from the likes of silly decisions, financial mistakes and family regrets.

So, I don't know about you but this vomiting of intrusive thoughts is near unbearable so I take a leaf from my own book and use distraction. But what brings them about in the first place.? For me the most common trigger is music. I'm a poet but I also love music that commonly comes with poetry. If I listen to Elvis I recall my brother (dec 1979) who loved Elvis, if I listen to early 1970's songs I recall my Air Force days and so on. Of course favourite songs of the 1990's reflect my children as toddlers. It's all so sad. Then recently I came to learn the passing of the lead singer of "the cranberries" at a young age of 47 years. My youngest daughter use to walk up and down the hallway singing "in your head, in your heeaaaad.." from one of their songs (zombie). That was a big trigger.

The wrestling match is that I love listening to these triggering songs even though I pay the price. They take me to a higher level of sensitivity that I find hard to explain. So I decided lately to introduce a technique aimed at reducing the trigger effect. No longer than one hour of music, about the right time to reflect, be sensitive, feel the guilt then turn it off.

As I've always promoted to others ...everything in moderation. So now I return to my current world and get on with living in the present...and every now and then I return to the "attic of my life".

THE ATTIC

Every now and then I climb the stairs

where no on can cause me strife

I'm always eager to return

-to the attic of my life

I turn the pages

of my album of times past

and there is no other sound

but the beating of my heart

As water falls on that dormer window

sadness I can tell

and water falls on the inside

from my tears as well

Then down the steps I tread

to give care to my loving wife

but I be eager to return

- to the attic of my life

WK

[Appleblossom]

Wow @Whiteknight

You usually come with great posts.

Making the shift from music as escapism to being proactive and using it therapeutically and thoughtfully.

[Lunar]

This is lovely @Whiteknight

I am not sure if another member has already told you but there is a thread called Writing As A Form of Therapy you might like to be involved in, you have an incredibly talent with writing that's for sure.

Lunar

[Whiteknight]

Thankyou @Lunar

Yes I'm aware of the poetry thread. I prefer to link my writings with a poem to help it make impact and sense.

Talking about sensitivity. I have a dear friend I used to work for as a contractor. There was a post on Facebook that made her cry. So, being the sensitive type I sent her a message "I hope you are ok previous friend"  I didnt realise at the time that I inadvertantly pressed the wrong key on the keyboard. The word previous was meant to be precious!!

She had replied and said that she is always there for me and apologised.  She accepted my apology.

Later that night some 8 hours later I thought about it and realise dit wasnt a spellcheck issue. I'm left handed in writing but on my mobile phone I'm right index finger. At time I get the C and the V mixed up, eg Spevial instead of special. So, at 130am I had to text her to let her know. So such urgency is typical of my anxiety on such matter. I havent heard a thing since.

Did I text her and wake her up? Did she think I'm taking it too far? Has she just ignored it?

This my friends is typical anxiety. The feeling is such that I get this enormous feeling to run away from people.

WK

[Margot]

That sounds quite stressful @Whiteknight. Anxiety can flood our minds with those kinds of thoughts for sure. It's great that despite the feeling to run away, you manage to stay connected. Not at all easy to do. How did you move through it?

[Whiteknight]

Hi @Margot

Luckily, she was on a plane from Victoria to Northern Queensland so some delay in her reply wasnt warranting my nervousness. She replied and told me not to stress and all was ok.

I'm finding all human relations taxing atm.

[Margot]

That would have been a relief to hear @Whiteknight. Social relationships can be tricky fo sure - particularly when you have the experience of anxiety. That could be a really useful discussion topic actually.