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Owlunar
Senior Contributor

Self-love and Self-Hatred

@oceangirl @BlueBay @Former-Member @Shaz51 @outlander @Ali11 @Former-Member @Appleblossom @Determined @Razzle @confusedbpd @Zoe7 

 

I have done with the tagging so far so I will stop with this many and I hope others with join

 

I have been thinking about writing about this subject for some time and I have been encouraged to do so by the moderators but it's easier to think about than actually write but today Oceangirl posted this picture and it has prompted me to start

 

Everyone needs to read thisEveryone needs to read thisSo - here I go with one of my own stories of course

 

When I was a young teenager I started teaching Sunday School - and the lesson on a particular day was about self-love and I hadn't thought much about it at that age - who would? However I was surprised when my class of very young little girls were horrified at the thought that they needed or even could or should love themselves it has been something I have thought about ever since

 

I want to leave this open to an honest discussion without anyone feeling threatened in anyway but here's a point to begin

 

How can we really love other people if we do not or cannot love ourselves? God loves as we are and we do tend to love our children as they are - certainly we all need improvement but we can only start from where we are today

 

What the statement above says is so vitally important - that we love ourselves for what we are and stop hating ourselves for what we are not.

 

I know - I know - I know - this is easier said than done

 

Thanks again @oceangirl - I needed a little prompting

 

Dec

165 REPLIES 165

Re: Self-love and Self-Hatred

Thanks @Owlunar for the tag.  It’s interesting this topic comes up now, it is something I have been working on with my councillor for a while.

 

This might sound strange or a little weird, but for as long as I can remember I have been able to see my 11yo self sitting right in the edge of my peripheral vision, she is always on my left, always sitting on the floor with her legs stretched out in front but her knees are bent, her arms are wrapped around the top of her legs and she stares straight ahead, although she is sitting side on to me, but she sits too far from my reach, about two meters.  She is clear as crystal.  I can turn my head and look straight at her, but she never looks back at me - and every time I look at her I am overwhelmed with HATE.  I hate her more than I have hated anything in my life.

 

My councillor has tried to get me to talk to “her” but I get so over come with emotion he makes me stop.  He’s asked exactly what I am feeling at that moment, and it’s always the same - I’m angry at “her”, he asks why I am angry - it’s because “she” never spoke up, she never stopped it.  

 

He has asked me a lot of times if I know any little girls now around the same age as “her”.  I do.  He has asked how would I feel about those girls if I found out the same thing was happeneing to them.  I get emotional and say I would feel heart broken for them.  He then says why would I feel difrently to “her”.  I try and feel something else, but all I have for her is hate.  

Re: Self-love and Self-Hatred

Hi @Razzle 

 

Thanks for your reply - this is exactly the kind of thing I feel we need to discuss.

 

The question has to be "Why do we hate that little child so much?" - I think you must have been abused as a child because you say "Why didn't she stop it? She never spoke up".  I am really sorry that happened to you

 

It's marvellous that you can see yourself so clearly at that age - and she is on your left, knees bent with her arms around her below the knees - staring straight ahead. And you hate her.

 

You would not hate anyone else - it's like that you have all the hate you can possibly have for the hurt and frightened little child who had not strength to fight back and maybe she had no one she could trust to tell.

 

I'm not here to judge you - just to start a dialogue and keep a dissusion going but I have to ask - how do you feel about the person who hurt you - or the people you couldn't tell?

 

It must be so painful to have so much hate for yourself

 

And I understand - your were treated like something without worth by someone who was committing a crime - I think justice was never served - and it was not your fault

 

It's very hard being a child - people try and tell us it's the best time of our lives but for many people it's not.

 

Thanks Raz - let's see what other people say

 

Dec

Re: Self-love and Self-Hatred

Learning about self love can be counter intuitive. @Owlunar 

 

I could read a hundred thousand healthy acclamations, but it never gelled until one night, when during a metta meditation I could think about the love and hope I had for my children, and include myself in those thoughts and feelings.  Til then I had always somehow been outside ... I can remember the moment when something in me turned to be more gentle to me.  I had been a "the tough get going when the going gets tough" kind of person.

 

It was nearly 20 years after I learned about and began practising the "loving kindness meditation" from Buddhism.  SO I was a very slow learner.

Smiley Embarassed

All the deliberate conscious mantras and positive visualisations probably helped, even if I could not say them "with feeling" but it took a lot of time before they actually felt part of me.

Smiley Happy

@Razzle 

Just wondering if celebrating the connection you have to your 11 yo you is worth it.  Focus on the attachment itself, taking out the thought, feeling or judgement of hate or positive or negative quality.  Forgiving yourself.  The amount of feeling can be a strength.  She is part of you.  Now you are older and wiser. Wrap her in bubble wrap or soft silken cloth.

 

Idk ... over time I have softened, it was needed to be able to forgive and love me.

Yes Dec. Great conversation. Thx

 

Anyone else?

 

Re: Self-love and Self-Hatred

Hi @Appleblossom 

 

Yes - anyone else? I will let other people have a say before I tell my story which is a bit different - and yes - I think learning about self-love could be counter-intuitive - somewhere early in life we learn that we are "not-OK" - is this because we are little and helpless and have to wear nappies? Maybe.

 

Hi @Gazza75  - 

 

I am glad you have registered interest - I mean this conversation to be open to men as well as women - I have added your name to the list of people to tag -

 

Dec

Re: Self-love and Self-Hatred

 

Content/trigger warning

@Owlunar  I know it’s not logical, or even reasonable to feel like I do, “she” just represents everything I hate/hated about myself then.  “”She” didn’t understand what had happened the first few times by the first few perpetrators, it was all just confusion, felt wrong but didn’t know why. (When I was 8 and 10) 

 

She” was so painfully shy, the perfect target.  “She” was threatened harm against her, but mainly harm to her parents (at 11, for the next 2 years). 

 

I feel like everything that is wrong in my life now is “her” fault, all “she” had to do was speak up, say no, fight him off, not hide the evidence... list goes on. 

 

And I know deep down that “she” is me,

but I look at her like a seperate person.

 

As for the people that hurt me, (from when I was 😎 I do see some of the group members around town occasionally, I feel sick to my stomach when I see them and very jittery.  The one from when I was 10 I have only seen twice since, but a long time ago, but the thought of seeing him again scares me.

 

The one from when I was 11-12 died when I was around 16 or 17 - but he still terrifies me.  He can’t hurt

me again but I still can’t even say his name out loud, I am absolutely terrified of him.  What I feel for all of them is fear, but not hate.

 

I hid everything so well that no one even knew it happened.  My last session with my councillor (Tuesday just gone) we spoke about how I could hide it so well that my own parents couldn’t see it happeneing, and how I felt about them not protecting me.  Fear can make you do things you would think impossible, but they had absolutely no idea, and still don’t.  I will never tell my mother, and my father passed away 2 years ago and I had never told him.  Apart from a drug and boozy couple of years in my late teens where I felt I had been robbed of their protection, I have never really blamed them, it was “her” fault, they can’t help when they don’t know what’s going on.

 

 

 

Re: Self-love and Self-Hatred

@Appleblossom   The way you have looked after yourself sounds interesting.  I’ve never tried meditation, sounds like a very gentle way to take care of yourself.

 

I’ve tried to forgive myself, I’ve tried to apologise to “her” but the anger bubbles up and takes over.  I can’t help but wonder what my life would have been like if “she” had just stopped it.  

Re: Self-love and Self-Hatred

Hey there @Razzle , thank you for being so real, raw, honest and vulnerable. The inner child work can be really challenging at times. I hear that you possess so much frustration still with her, but I echo @Owlunar and others sentiment, at some point we must give our little one's a cuddle and be gentle with them. It is such an internal affliction, but I do have faith in your ability to continue moving forward into the future without berating her too much. That softness is so important to the recovery process Heart

Again thank you for sharing. The community is always here to listen. If yourself or anyone else needs further support please don't hesitate to reachout to the team at BlueKnot on 1300 657 380

Re: Self-love and Self-Hatred

Hi @Owlunar , its an interesting topic and discussion and well worth exploring.  I haven't really given it a lot of thought and wanted to think about it before putting forth any ideas that I may or may not have.  I think it might be somewhat counter intuitive or at least goes against the grain for some or many of us.

 

I will say that over the last year, i've been rethinking a lot of things in my life.  My world was basically tipped upside down.  I pretty much took my health, both mental and physical for granted.  I don't really do that any more as both have deteriated.  I'm trying to get help, but, its a slow process.  I've been doing my bit, but, the medical fraternity move at there own pace.  I will be shopping around for another doctor if things don't improve.

 

Back to self love and self hatred.  In my youth and earlier life I practiced self love, i appreciated the environment and my good fortune and health and lived to surf pretty much every day for a decade.  I worked for myself part time, while I didn't make much, I got by which was enough for Me.  About a decade later I got into the corporate world and the surfing ended.  

 

I went through a breakup which I probably never really recovered from, it shook me to the core that a person i cared for so deeply would leave me for pretty much no reason or for things i thought were pretty darn small and crazy.  That's how it was, i couldn't make her stay.  I kind of hated myself for making it happen for a while, but, eventually realised it was more on her than Me.  If she really loved me then she would of talked about it more or given me some kind of chance.

 

I'll close in saying that I'm probably only just beginning to think about self love and for Me right now its probably more a state of mind or way of thinking about things.  Instead of accepting negative thoughts, i'm trying to recognise them for what they are, a natural process of my being or thought process.  I then try and label and categorise them and if I can make them more positive.  I think i'm fairly simple guy and don't get caught up in my own world or thinking as much as some people do.  I go with the flow and adapt to situations pretty well.  At least I think I do.  I do feel pressure at work that makes me uncomfortable, but, i do my best.

 

@Razzle @Appleblossom - thanks for sharing and everyone for there kind support.

 

Thats my 2 bob for now 🙂

 

Wishing you all well

Re: Self-love and Self-Hatred

Right now I have so much self hatred. 

I don’t love myself. How can I when I was abused and used. I feel like a stupid person. A girl crying and screaming. 

how can I self love when I never got it from anyone. Not even my mum. 

Whst us sekf love?

self hate is what I gave at the moment. 😢😢😢

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